I thought the friendship was over, wwyd

anappleadaykeeps · 10/08/2025 10:50

Does she normally send a card? What was written in it? Just Dear X, Happy Bday, love Y - or did she use it to ask more about how you are, and/or give an update on her side? Did she suggest meeting up in it?

anappleadaykeeps · 10/08/2025 10:52

She sounds more like an old friend, rather than a current ‘best friend’ tbh. I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it - but hope you have other more current friends in your life too.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 10/08/2025 10:52

If her mother has died after a long illness, was she maybe overwhelmed by that?

Rhaidimiddim · 10/08/2025 10:56

I thank people for presents, but not for cards. So just ignore the card.

AnotherGreyMorning · 10/08/2025 11:01

It’s just a card. Ignore it.

Original poster

Starsatsight · 10/08/2025 11:02

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 10/08/2025 10:52

If her mother has died after a long illness, was she maybe overwhelmed by that?

I don't mean to drop feed but iwbas trying to be brief in my op.
Her mother had been getting frail over the course of about a year, and was in and out of hospital for a few days at a time.

I always allowed for this every time I hadn't heard from her for a while I would text asking how her mum was, thinking that was why she hadn't been in touch.

However at Christmas my friend happily told me she had gone away for two weeks in Dec, and was looking forward to more trips she has planned.
Her mother's health was stable at that time.

From what she said in April her dm went downhill end of march.

OP posts:

PulchritudinousLycanthrope · 10/08/2025 11:07

In your shoes, if I had decided I was done with the friendship, I think I would drop her a line saying that I was surprised to hear from her being as I had been so very ill, she knew this and yet had been absent from my life. As a result, I had decided that the friendship had blown itself out which had saddened me but I had already accepted the fact.

I would add nothing more and see where it went from there.

I am super cautious over friendships though. DH has been friends for years with a mate and he hadn't heard from him in ages and was planning on letting things 'drift'. I suggested, knowing this person as I do, that if he has gone quiet, it will likely be as he is ill and advised DH to send a normal breezy chatty email asking how he is. Sure enough, the following day an email came back that he has three separate illnesses that he is contending including recently diagnosed prostate c that is looking like it has been caught in time for just drugs and radiotherapy. The mate thanked DH for getting in touch.

In the past I have been tempted to let friendships 'drift' but have not and later, been glad that I didn't.

Original poster

Starsatsight · 10/08/2025 11:08

anappleadaykeeps · 10/08/2025 10:50

Does she normally send a card? What was written in it? Just Dear X, Happy Bday, love Y - or did she use it to ask more about how you are, and/or give an update on her side? Did she suggest meeting up in it?

She does normally send a card I'd we're not meeting up imminently.

It said she hoped my health was improving and wished me well. Having reread it just now I can see it is probably the sort of message you send an old friend, as @anappleadaykeeps said.

OP posts:

InfoSecInTheCity · 10/08/2025 11:14

Obviously we only have a snapshot but it sounds like you’re interactions were as one sided as hers.

You contacted her when you were ill, then didn’t notice a lack of contact from both of you until months later when you were ill again and decided you would like her support.

She then contacted you when she had bad stuff happening. Neither of you were making much effort to sustain the relationship beyond what you had.

heldinadream · 10/08/2025 11:15

Starsatsight · 10/08/2025 11:02

I don't mean to drop feed but iwbas trying to be brief in my op.
Her mother had been getting frail over the course of about a year, and was in and out of hospital for a few days at a time.

I always allowed for this every time I hadn't heard from her for a while I would text asking how her mum was, thinking that was why she hadn't been in touch.

However at Christmas my friend happily told me she had gone away for two weeks in Dec, and was looking forward to more trips she has planned.
Her mother's health was stable at that time.

From what she said in April her dm went downhill end of march.

Edited

Show quote history

Um - just because her mother was stable over Xmas and friend happily had a break, doesn't mean her mother wasn't, overall, still dying. As evidenced by the fact that within a few short months, she then died.
I think you're massively underestimating the impact of a long parental dying process on a person.

She may be a narcissist or a flake, but not on the evidence you've put forward yet.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/08/2025 11:20

Bottom line is - do you want to be friends with her or not?

Sounds like you've both had a rough year. If you want the friendship back on track, then reply to her and start communicating with her again regularly. If you don't, then you'll need to decide how to respectfully end the friendship.

DoRayMeMeMe · 10/08/2025 11:22

OP, MumsNet is an absolutely terrible resource for these sorts of issues because it is populated with so called ‘Introverts’ that are actually the worst sort of misanthropes, looking to manufacture any excuse to never talk to someone again.

You have both been through a bad time, be generous and openhearted. Contact her, thank her for the card and arrange a date to meet up soon. Don’t set friends up to fail- that’s what misery guts do.

Halfandhalf2025 · 10/08/2025 11:25

I can't see that she did anything wrong?

I have several "best" friends.... high school, college, adult life

I don't speak to any of them frequently. My adult best friend lives 2 streets away from me and we see each other maybe twice a month.... my High school best friend.... we catch up maybe every 3 months?

I honestly can't see what she has done that would make you feel like the friendship is over? If I'm being honest.... your the one who doesn't come across great in this story

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 10/08/2025 11:46

heldinadream · 10/08/2025 11:15

Um - just because her mother was stable over Xmas and friend happily had a break, doesn't mean her mother wasn't, overall, still dying. As evidenced by the fact that within a few short months, she then died.
I think you're massively underestimating the impact of a long parental dying process on a person.

She may be a narcissist or a flake, but not on the evidence you've put forward yet.

Show quote history

Agree with this, you acknowledge her dm had a chronic illness, so almost coming across as 'meh, her dm had been ill for ages, so death not unexpected... anyway back to me'..
You may not be meaning to, but it does a little.

CeffylCoch · 10/08/2025 11:53

Why would you ignore the card? That’s rude. You haven’t reached out to her either so I don’t really see what she’s done wrong

zingally · 10/08/2025 11:55

PulchritudinousLycanthrope · 10/08/2025 11:07

In your shoes, if I had decided I was done with the friendship, I think I would drop her a line saying that I was surprised to hear from her being as I had been so very ill, she knew this and yet had been absent from my life. As a result, I had decided that the friendship had blown itself out which had saddened me but I had already accepted the fact.

I would add nothing more and see where it went from there.

I am super cautious over friendships though. DH has been friends for years with a mate and he hadn't heard from him in ages and was planning on letting things 'drift'. I suggested, knowing this person as I do, that if he has gone quiet, it will likely be as he is ill and advised DH to send a normal breezy chatty email asking how he is. Sure enough, the following day an email came back that he has three separate illnesses that he is contending including recently diagnosed prostate c that is looking like it has been caught in time for just drugs and radiotherapy. The mate thanked DH for getting in touch.

In the past I have been tempted to let friendships 'drift' but have not and later, been glad that I didn't.

I feel the same about letting friendships drift. It feels a shame to let a friendship end, for the sake of a single communication.

I have an old friend from university who I exchange yearly Christmas cards from, and then don't hear a peep from the rest of the year. But it's mutual. I haven't seen her in the flesh since about 2008.
In about 2019 I decided not to send her a card, and see what happened, as I felt like because I always get my cards sent out quite early, I was always first to initiate the exchange. But then she sent me one. Each year I have the debate with myself, "Shall I sent X a card this year?" But I keep doing it because I haven't got the heart to finally end a friendship for the sake of a simple card.

Cucy · 10/08/2025 12:09

I think you’re being really petty.

You seem to think it’s all about you but she obviously had her own hardships going on.

I’m sure she could have made more of an effort but I would never fall out with someone or stop speaking to them completely, just because they didn’t make enough effort.

I have some friends who take days to respond or go months without contact and sometimes I do too because life can get hectic and not everyone has their phone on them 24/7 or they keep forgetting to respond/thought they had already.

She’s made a lovely gesture by sending you a card and the least you can do is acknowledge it.

Honestly, you are the one that’s coming across as rude and the bad friend here, not her.

Hedgehogbrown · 10/08/2025 12:14

Sounds like she didn't know your intricate rule system of when friends should get in touch. If this is something that makes you end a friendship, then block her and move on. Seems like she didn't get the memo that you weren't friends any more. I would find it hard work having a friend with as many expectations as you though, so if she's like me, she might be relieved.

anothernamechangeoccurs · 10/08/2025 12:20

You both had a tricky year and sound petty. I would call her or arrange to meet for a coffee. Be honest with her re how you were feeling ( but in a nice way as you need to be sensitive to what she’s gone through).
see what she says. Friends should support each other. If she can’t see that then walk away

Changingplace · 10/08/2025 12:26

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 10/08/2025 10:52

If her mother has died after a long illness, was she maybe overwhelmed by that?

Absolutely this, if her mum had a long illness then between Christmas and April this was something that was paramount in her life, understandable she may have been absent minded with friends.

OP it sounds like both you and this old friend have had big life changing things happen in your lives over the last little while, I don’t think either of you should take this personally, I think you’ve been a bit wrapped up in what’s going on with you and not realised that there can be lots of reasons you might not hear from someone.

In your shoes I’d send a message to thank her for the card and suggestion meeting up for a coffee/walk/glass of wine or whatever. Life is too short :)

Original poster

Starsatsight · 10/08/2025 12:43

I have had a life changing illness and am still recovering a year on.

I don't think I was expecting too much, I have always been there for my friend and then when I was seriously ill I barely heard from her. She didn't contact me to see how I was, offer support etc which I have done for her.

It's not a lot to expect a friend to contact you within a couple of months when she knows you are ill. Or is it?

There's obviously a lot more to it, I was trying to be brief.

OP posts:

Changingplace · 10/08/2025 15:58

Starsatsight · 10/08/2025 12:43

I have had a life changing illness and am still recovering a year on.

I don't think I was expecting too much, I have always been there for my friend and then when I was seriously ill I barely heard from her. She didn't contact me to see how I was, offer support etc which I have done for her.

It's not a lot to expect a friend to contact you within a couple of months when she knows you are ill. Or is it?

There's obviously a lot more to it, I was trying to be brief.

Have you actually read all the replies you’ve had?

Yes, you’ve been ill.

Your friend has lost her mum.

Life is not a woe is me competition, have you really been there for her? You actually said this was all you did on hearing her mum had passed away even acknowledging it felt rude…

So I replied with condolences and left it at that. I felt rude but honestly didn't want to get drawn back into the friendship after seeing it so differently

I hardly think this is the response of someone ‘always being there for my friend’.

I think she’s been very gracious sending you a birthday card, if you’d rather nitpick on not having got enough attention from someone who’s mum has died then she’s probably better off without you.

Halfandhalf2025 · 10/08/2025 19:44

Starsatsight · 10/08/2025 12:43

I have had a life changing illness and am still recovering a year on.

I don't think I was expecting too much, I have always been there for my friend and then when I was seriously ill I barely heard from her. She didn't contact me to see how I was, offer support etc which I have done for her.

It's not a lot to expect a friend to contact you within a couple of months when she knows you are ill. Or is it?

There's obviously a lot more to it, I was trying to be brief.

And her mum died..... imagine how she's feeling?

You were and are expecting too much.

At the time I texted my best friend she replied but then I didn't really notice her lack of messages as I was so poorly.
We exchanged texts at Christmas, I was still recovering and housebound.
In February I got pneumonia at the same time my fil suddenly got very ill and it was obvious he was dying.
I thought to text my friend for support then realised I hadn't heard from her since Xmas, and doubted she'd reply in a very timely manner so didn't text.
I drew a line under our friendship as I saw how one sided our texts always were and while friendship has been like that.
In April I got a text from her that her mother had died (after a long illness). I felt awful for her but was conflicted

What support did you offer her when her mum died? You messaged your condolences.... that was it?

Honestly..... your absolutely selfish.... just selfish and horrible. Don't contact that poor woman again. She had enough on her plate without you manipulating her and making her feel guilty. You are a terrible person

anothernamechangeoccurs · 11/08/2025 09:38

Did you call in to see her and offer her support and hugs when her mum was dying. Did you see her after her mum
passed? Did you go to the funeral? They are all things that I would do for a close friend. Regardless of how supportive they were with me. You really don’t know what goes on in people’s lives behind closed doors. It’s shouldn’t be a tit for tat affair

Pancakeflipper · 11/08/2025 09:46

Sounds like you've had really tough times.
Some people withdraw when dealing with tough times - perhaps she did that.

It sounds like you aren't in place to move on from the hurt of her not being in contact (and that is ok). So perhaps just send a brief text of thanks and see how things go?

It might have turned into a reduced contact friendship but I think this is because you've both been through huge life events.