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Original poster

WWYD in this scenario with inlaws?

24 replies

Birthdaycake42 · 10/08/2025 00:48

My ex walked out on me and ds (now 2.5) a year ago following an affair (him not me) and in that time has shown zero interest in ds. He pays maintenance regularly but hasn't seen ds in over a year and hasn't so much as text to ask how he is. Initially I was devastated for both ds and myself because it was very unexpected but I haven't pushed any contact or communication because I don't want ds ending up where he's not wanted when I can care for him myself.

Exs family were devastated by his behaviour and all but disowned him over it. I see my in laws (sons grandparents) every few weeks so they can maintain contact and I've always got on well with the extended family.

Initially I got a lot of communication from my sons aunts and uncles and other relatives but that all completely dropped away after a couple of months (last contact was me reaching out) and it's been almost a year since ds has seen any of them and probably 6mths since they've last been in touch with me. I understand they may be asking his grandparents about him in the same way I ask after all them but I don't know if that happens or not.

We've just received an invite to one of ds cousins birthday parties and I'm really torn as to what to do. It's a 4 hr round trip to get there from where we live and I'm a bit wary purely because I know ds won't likely remember most of the extended family (because of his age) and I'm worried it might be a bit overwhelming for him going and being fussed over by a lot of people who he hasn't seen in a year. It also means I'll be obligated to invite them all to ds next birthday party which I did previously (last time they all saw him) and if I'm really honest it felt like a lot hosting wise and as we've just moved house we're not really set up for it and I was planning to put off doing bigger softplay parties etc until ds starts school and has enough friends to justify the cost of it. Part of me also has the fear his dad might rock up and us both be unprepared for that as I don't know what way their family relationships lie 6 months later.

Wwyd in this scenario?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 10/08/2025 00:54

Regardless of all the rest of it, I think the distance is too far for a child’s birthday party. I’d write a nice message declining and send a card and present.

MarxistMags · 10/08/2025 00:59

It is quite far to travel with a small child to be be fair. And it will make it a long day. I'm voting for card and present as well.

BreakingBroken · 10/08/2025 01:00

four hour round trip, so two hours there and two back? sorry that's a breeze and yes i would do this.
a four year old will remember and will most likely love the food and maybe even the attention. take photo's with the grand parents and extended family.
there is no need for you to reciprocate for a group other than the grandparents, send a thank you card to the host/hostess.

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Original poster
Birthdaycake42 · 10/08/2025 01:04

BreakingBroken · 10/08/2025 01:00

four hour round trip, so two hours there and two back? sorry that's a breeze and yes i would do this.
a four year old will remember and will most likely love the food and maybe even the attention. take photo's with the grand parents and extended family.
there is no need for you to reciprocate for a group other than the grandparents, send a thank you card to the host/hostess.

Ds is only 2.5. Also to add he's not overly long potty trained so we will also need to stop along the way for toilet breaks.

I feel like attending definitely sets the expectation that a return invite will need to be sent no?

OP posts:
Elatha · 10/08/2025 01:10

There is absolutely no need for you to reciprocate. This is a gesture, a hand out to you. It is up to you how to respond. Nobody will think ill of you of sending card and a gift in the mail instead.

Elatha · 10/08/2025 01:10

There is absolutely no need for you to reciprocate. This is a gesture, a hand out to you. It is up to you how to respond. Nobody will think ill of you of sending card and a gift in the mail instead.

SeasalterSadie · 10/08/2025 01:18

Politely decline as the journey etc will probably be a bit too much for a 2 and a half year old and for you tbh if you've not seen the extended family for a while as he'll pick up the vibes from you if you're anxious/stressed
A hand written card and a gift card/present will be enough

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 10/08/2025 01:20

I think a four hour round trip is too much for a party - especially given all the unknowns about who else may be there. At 2.5, your son won’t remember it anyway.
Reply saying you really appreciate the invite and are planning to keep DS in touch with his wider family but it’s not going to work for you this time - and send a card and gift. No need to reciprocate. Don’t make up an excuse as you may forget and it will be exhausting.
Maybe also say to grandparents that you really appreciated the invite but just don’t feel it will
work this year - maybe when DS is older.

AdaColeman · 10/08/2025 01:22

The journey alone would make me refuse the invitation, plus that Ex might be there etc.

I'd write a nice letter saying we were unable to attend, and send a birthday card separately. If the family send your DS birthday presents, then I'd reciprocate with a present too.
Realistically, your DS is unlikely to have a close relationship with these relatives, due to distance, and lack of involvement from his father. You are doing well keeping in contact with the grandparents, which really is his father's responsibility. So don't feel you have to bend over backwards for them!

BreakingBroken · 10/08/2025 01:28

2.5 is young to remember but i would still do it.

Driftingawaynow · 10/08/2025 01:50

As a single parent if you feel it will drain your batteries it’s a definite no. And don’t feel bad either. A nice thank you for the invite and maybe next time is fine

RawBloomers · 10/08/2025 02:18

I would take the opportunity. Extended family can be hugely valuable and when you don't have many opportunities to reinforce those bonds it's more important not to turn down the ones you have. Going will make it more likely to are invited again.

If you have photos talk to DS about his extended family, mention that he probably doesn't remember but he saw them all at his birthday party last year. And after the party talk to him about his cousins and aunts and uncles.

You don't have to invite them back this year if you aren't already throwing a big enough party. You can just go and say hi. Thank them for inviting you. Say you're keen to keep up DS's relationships with their side of the family. Maybe suggest something you could all do together that's in between you all once every 3 months or something - e.g. a kids farm if age ranges are suitable.

It's only 1 day. 4 hours of driving. It might be a little awkward, it might end up being brilliant. But either way it'll be over quickly and if it's a disaster you can put it behind you and laugh about later.

I understand the worry over your ex - maybe ask your PiL, point out that you need to know because it wouldn't be fair on DS to be blindsided. And if he is going to be there, then decide whether that's a good thing for DS or not (I'd suggest not - that sort of meeting needs to be his dad wanting to see him and focusing on him).

strawberrybubblegum · 10/08/2025 08:50

Extended family is incredibly important to a child. The family clearly want to maintain the connection, but life gets in the way. This is their way of reaching out and if you say no then contact is likely to get even less and you risk losing that connection entirely.

Your DS may or may not remember them - but at that age that's less important than you telling him that they're his family, them being welcoming, loving and playful with him, and you all being relaxed together. That's what tells him this is his family.

I'd absolutely prioritise going.

dontsweatthesmallstufff · 10/08/2025 09:15

RawBloomers · 10/08/2025 02:18

I would take the opportunity. Extended family can be hugely valuable and when you don't have many opportunities to reinforce those bonds it's more important not to turn down the ones you have. Going will make it more likely to are invited again.

If you have photos talk to DS about his extended family, mention that he probably doesn't remember but he saw them all at his birthday party last year. And after the party talk to him about his cousins and aunts and uncles.

You don't have to invite them back this year if you aren't already throwing a big enough party. You can just go and say hi. Thank them for inviting you. Say you're keen to keep up DS's relationships with their side of the family. Maybe suggest something you could all do together that's in between you all once every 3 months or something - e.g. a kids farm if age ranges are suitable.

It's only 1 day. 4 hours of driving. It might be a little awkward, it might end up being brilliant. But either way it'll be over quickly and if it's a disaster you can put it behind you and laugh about later.

I understand the worry over your ex - maybe ask your PiL, point out that you need to know because it wouldn't be fair on DS to be blindsided. And if he is going to be there, then decide whether that's a good thing for DS or not (I'd suggest not - that sort of meeting needs to be his dad wanting to see him and focusing on him).

This.
I think your son will appreciate the effort you made to ensure contact with his Dad’s family as he gets older.
Having a relationship with them may slightly lessen the pain from the lack of relationship with his Dad.

DeerOhDear · 10/08/2025 11:12

The distance is a wonderful excuse here ,as others have said polity decline and send gift.

Original poster
Birthdaycake42 · 10/08/2025 13:44

dontsweatthesmallstufff · 10/08/2025 09:15

This.
I think your son will appreciate the effort you made to ensure contact with his Dad’s family as he gets older.
Having a relationship with them may slightly lessen the pain from the lack of relationship with his Dad.

Show quote history

This is my main reason for trying as hard as I have so far, that it might help create a more solid sense of identity for ds further down the line.

OP posts:
MavisandHetty · 10/08/2025 13:54

I wouldn’t have done that sort of journey with a 2.5yo (is he still napping?). But it’s really nice of them to want to stay in touch with your DS and I think you should cultivate these relationships for him. I would politely decline and suggest meeting up another time, for a whole afternoon or day, where DS can play with his cousins and get to know them.

myplace · 10/08/2025 13:58

Will all contact involve a similar journey?

I’d say no to the party as he’s so small, but say you appreciated the invitation and would like to visit when he’s a bit older so the journey is easier.

Unless you can be in touch with his family without travelling 2 hours each way, in which case do that instead!

Original poster
Birthdaycake42 · 10/08/2025 16:18

MavisandHetty · 10/08/2025 13:54

I wouldn’t have done that sort of journey with a 2.5yo (is he still napping?). But it’s really nice of them to want to stay in touch with your DS and I think you should cultivate these relationships for him. I would politely decline and suggest meeting up another time, for a whole afternoon or day, where DS can play with his cousins and get to know them.

He dropped his nap just before turning 2 so keeping him awake in the car is a challenge. It was easier when he napped as I could have planned travel around him sleeping in the car.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdaycake42 · 10/08/2025 16:19

myplace · 10/08/2025 13:58

Will all contact involve a similar journey?

I’d say no to the party as he’s so small, but say you appreciated the invitation and would like to visit when he’s a bit older so the journey is easier.

Unless you can be in touch with his family without travelling 2 hours each way, in which case do that instead!

I usually drive at least an hour maybe an hour 20 minutes to meet his grandparents every 3/4 weeks.

OP posts:
myplace · 10/08/2025 18:07

Birthdaycake42 · 10/08/2025 16:19

I usually drive at least an hour maybe an hour 20 minutes to meet his grandparents every 3/4 weeks.

Show quote history

I would stick with that then. Maybe one day the other family members will join you there, instead.

Maybe one day on his next birthday, take a cake and do a little ‘happy birthday’ with the grandparents. That might turn into a party other people join in with!
My DC used to get three birthday teas- one with my parents, one with DHs, and one with friends!

MadridMadridMadrid · 10/08/2025 18:52

If you are considering going, I think it would be absolutely fair enough to check with the relatives in advance whether there is any possibility of your ex turning up. It could clearly be very upsetting for your DS if your ex turns up, plays the role of Daddy for one day and then vanishes from your DS's life again. It could also be very confusing if he hears other people describing a man as his Daddy when that man is a stranger to him.

Notonthestairs · 10/08/2025 18:58

HeddaGarbled · 10/08/2025 00:54

Regardless of all the rest of it, I think the distance is too far for a child’s birthday party. I’d write a nice message declining and send a card and present.

I would do this. Signals you appreciate their invitation and leaves the door open for future catch ups.

BunniB · 10/08/2025 18:59

Phone the grandparents and say you were thrilled to get the invitation and would like to ask advice - if your ex will be there, that’s the wrong time for him to see his child for the first time in over a year. Explain you’d love to come but a little worried about undertaking such a long journey whilst dc is potty training, say you’ll reluctantly have to say no but please can gp make sure wider family know you’d love to stay in contact and as dc gets older you will try very hard to attend family functions if invited.

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