I’m scared I will be alone for the rest of my days

[lonelinessissuchasadaffair]

I have a good job, I work Monday to Friday and I probably look like I’m happy.

Internally I’m battling depression and CPTSD. I’m also autistic.

I’m 34. I don’t have children, I’ve never been in a relationship. I lie at work and say ive had partners. I don’t know if they believe me. I sometimes feel like I should lie about my weekends, because I spend every weekend alone just about.

I’ve only had sex once, and that was just a one night thing with a bloke from an app.

I don’t know how to meet people, I think I come across as weird or awkward. I’ve tried tinder, never met anyone.

I’m scared I’ve lost my chance to ever have kids, or a relationship. I don’t know what the answer is.

@lonelinessissuchasadaffair Have you had any professional help? It isn't always easy, and may need persistence to find the right person or group for you. You have some insight and a desire for change, and come over as self-aware but perhaps not confident. If weekends are empty, is anything going on nearby? I turned up to a church bazaar the other day, because I was feeling isolated, and had chatted to a dozen friendly people after half an hour.

Why not focus on building a friends network first? It's an opportunity to practice all the small talk and social niceties without having the added complications of sex/ game playing that comes with dating. Also, it'll help you appear less isolated/ vulnerable... shit men can spot lonely or vulnerable women a mile off!

Are you getting help for your PTSD and depression? I would focus on getting into as good a place (from a MH POV) as possible before dating. Dating, especially OLD, can require quite a bit of resilience and good boundaries.

I’d find a good therapist and work really hard on what are presumably coping mechanisms that have kept you alive and kept you safe, but at the cost of isolation.

Are you getting help for your depression and CPTSD? It sounds like you're battling it alone, which is so hard. If so can you access therapy, medication and any other support that would help with those specific issues (EDMR therapy seems to have helped my friend with CPTSD), which might also help with the bigger picture? It's a tough mix of things to manage while masking/making out you're okay so if you can a release valve that would take some pressure off.

The autism in itself shouldn't mean you have to be alone for life. Bit of a cliche so forgive me, but ime it always seems that almost any woman who's into sci-fi, boardgames or anything related to that whole ComicCon/Forbidden Planet sub-culture can find a nice devoted guy without much trouble. Don't know if that's your bag, but if it is then it's worth dipping your toe in. Even for friends/social life, that community can be welcoming and interesting and other relationshipa could grow from it. If you hate all that, can you find your tribe elsewhere? The internet makes it easier than ever to connect with people who find it hard to connect in person, and much better to do so through a shared interest than dating apps.

I'm not really one for making friends easily either. What are your interests? Sometimes it can help to find some sort of hobby club related to something you like doing, and join that. You all have something in common, and it is easier to chat to people about something you like, and you don't have to worry about making small talk. You just talk about the hobby.

One of my hobbies has weekend events, and there's one today. I will be going to that at lunchtime and will spend a couple of hours there, talking to like-minded people.

I mean this kindly, but you are assuming that being in a relationship will make you happy, as some kind of universal panacea. That self-sabotages you by making your current status seem like bad - "scared" of being alone etc. You're basically shitting on yourself, as well as putting immense pressure on future you that anyone you meet/set up with has to be perfect.

I strongly think you would benefit from reframing the situation. Make your life as it is the best one you can have, and in a place where a relationship enhances it, rather than fixes it.

I didn’t find my partner until I was 36. I’m autistic with mental health issues too. I’ve paid for quite a lot of therapy privately which has helped. I just kept hammering online dating (I used Hinge) until it worked out with someone. He is also autistic. We were both undiagnosed and didn’t discuss this with each other or even think about it but it probably explains why it’s worked out between us. I think you have to keep trying. I don’t have much of a social life or do much ok weekends either as work really takes it out of much. I need to rest and recover at the weekends.

Thank you xx

I think it’s just the evenings and weekends are utter hell. I find I end up just dwelling on the past, and going over and over things in my mind until I’m panicking. It’s almost like some sort of mental torture game… I don’t even know why, I think it’s like my mind thinks if I remember it all in detail then it won’t ever happen again. But that’s quite difficult to live with.

I’ve had therapy a lot before, albeit different kinds and it took a very long time for anyone to catch on to the CPTSD diagnosis. The best therapy I’ve had was via CMHT which was a CPN doing a mix of CBT, DBT with me. I went to see a psychologist for a few weeks as well, who did some trauma based work with me. That was stopped fairly abruptly though because I managed to secure a job, and moved house, and it was decided I was then functioning well enough to not need it … and I think now if I went to the GP and said I want to be referred for that level of help I’d be laughed out of the surgery, I think. I don’t know. It would be good to get some help with the trauma side of things. I still get flashbacks a lot.

I’m on meds for it - 2 different antidepressants at once (sertraline in the morning, mirtazapine at bedtime) which do help because at least I can go to work (unmediated, I couldn’t even leave my front door) but there’s still all that internal battles going on every day.

things I like … I love researching my family tree. I love weird documentaries. I love reading, collecting books (Victorian/antique kids’ books). I love second hand shops. I like ghost stories, exploring graveyards … I also love scrapbooking, journaling, poetry… I also keep wanting to explore different religions/beliefs - I was brought up catholic but I want to explore different ideas - I like the idea of Paganism or Wicca, but I don’t know. So that’s a whole lot of weird things!!’

thank you again x

I’m so sorry you feel this way. That sounds so upsetting.

i think it’s good advice to focus on finding some friendships. Your interests are not weird. You sound like you have lots of interests and there are plenty of people who would share them. Could you join a group, just one thing locally, and focus on that for a bit. There’s bound to groups for one of your interests - a book group or a poetry course or helping out at a charity shop at weekends or something like that?

Nothing about that is weird. The only time I judge a hobby is if it is harmful or the person can't afford it. Apart from scrapbooking I have all those interests. The one difference with me is I do not care what people think. I’m 59 and still play video games which I know people think is weird as they have told me plus it’s looked down on as a hobby on MN.

Get a voluntary job at the weekend, just a morning or afternoon doing something you care about. I volunteer in 2 charity shops, I’m retired now and have met some lovely people doing voluntary work.

I think you see yourself as weirder than you really are: you have a somewhat distorted self-image, which is very common with people suffering from childhood/upbringing related trauma (I'm assuming this is your case?).
Take your hobbies/interests, for instance: perfectly normal and some of them even "fashionable".
You need therapy to find out where does this distorted self-image come from (hint: inappropiate mirroring by your caregivers when you were a baby/child, for whatever reason) and let it go.

The breakdown of social institutions has made life really difficult and lonely for a lot of people who are not super extrovert social geniuses.

Finding a group, like a church (or a pagan moot), to belong to, might really help. Ideally a group that is consciously aligned around inclusivity in some way, so people have the instinct to include you, invite you, notice when you're not around and collect you back when your initial motivation peters out.

It's just easier being part of something that already exists than having to build a complete network by yourself with no skills. It doesn't have to be a church - could be volunteering at a charity with similar social and inclusive structures in place: regular events, a calendar or rhythm of engagments that you are automatically invited to - some way you can contribute and participate in a meaningful way so you feel properly part of the thing - look for that sort of setup.

Are there any board game societies in your area or D&D groups? The people that DH and I have met through these groups have been lovely. I reckon as a single person, it would be good because you’ve got the board game to chat about to break the ice.

This. None of what you list as interests is at all ‘weird’. I am an obsessive reader, have an house full of books, can’t be kept out of graveyards, adore a good documentary, am a cradle-Catholic turned atheist who finds paganism appealing, write for a living (and have lots of friends, a DH and a child). Some of my friends have much more ‘out there’ hobbies than you — taxidermy, extreme ultramarathons etc.

And you don’t need to rely on your GP for therapy referrals. If you can afford it (and I would cut back on other things in order to afford it, because I have found it transformative), find a therapist experienced in trauma and settle in for some hard work over a long period. It will help with flashbacks, coping mechanisms that may have kept you alive but contributed to your isolation etc.

Another bite for EDMR therapy, ideal for releasing childhood trauma.

If you are someone who likes to have some guidelines and steps to follow, try this chatty book from the 1930s:

https://amzn.eu/d/0831RNB

All the interests you list are a pathway for you. The author recommended having one home-based, really engaging hobby you would actively choose to stay in for, and one that takes place elsewhere and that you would also always want to attend. She gave some examples for the time and place and explains it all entertainingly.

You don't need an exhausting, overwhelming schedule but ideally would have at least one regular activity you attend on a weeknight and one or two every weekend. You will find other relatively unattached people and hopefully form some connections.

If you do use Internet dating (extremely challenging for a lot of people and not right for everyone), don't let it be a main focus for you or seem your only hope. Assign it a limited role in your life and keep it under review.

OP, I think when we go through periods of intense loneliness, it is easy to feel weird and as if there is something wrong with us. And because we want to matter to someone, we think that lesser forms of human connection aren;t worth it. But imo, they are the essential gateway to overcoming this sort of loneliness.

In you current position (which doesn't have to last) I'd do a few things.

Fill your weekends with activities which include socialising, even at a very basic level, in lots of different areas. So add an interest or hobby - anything from craft, art, choir, creative writing, language learning etc. Add something that keeps you fit - a dance or yoga class, kayaking, Park Run. Add something that contributes to society in some way - volunteer for a homeless charity, for local community gardening, at a youth club or Brownies, for a political party you believe in or at a church if you have faith. Get into a habit of doing these things regularly and just casually say Hi to others when you do. It may not lead to close friendship, but it leads to there being a bigger crowd of familiar people around in the street and occasionally this leads to coffee or Christmas drinks or party invites etc.

Then get back on OLD and say you are autistic and looking to connect with a neurodivergent person. My autistic son had loads of success OLD as soon as he was up front about being autistic and said he was looking for autistic dates. He's had some lovely short and long term partners over the years and is living with his current partner of several years. All of them ND in some way. Just arrange to meet for a coffee, a walk in the park or to do something quirky together for a couple of hours that interests you both.Use the autistic quirks as a plus. DS often met girls who wanted to go around weird museums or weird art shows with him because that was one of his and their autistic obsessions. Then coffee to chat about it afterwards. and even if it didn't go further, it was a nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon. If you get on, let it grow from there.

That's not very helpful is it, or 'kind?!' The OP is clearly unhappy single/alone! You're basically saying 'get over yourself, you would still be miserable in a relationship!'

It's a well documented fact that people are happier, less stressed, and healthier in a relationship (a good one obviously.) And they will live longer, and have better health in their old age.... I hated being single, and used to deeply envy couples/women in couples. And I know all is not what it seems sometimes, but I used to feel so low and sad seeing pics of couples together, on holiday, out for meals, out shopping together, and having children and raising a family.

I know we see threads on here from women who have shitty relationships, but the ones who are happy don't generally post! Lest they be called 'smug!' 🙄

I am married - have been for nearly 30 years now, and cannot imagine life without my DH - or the 2 children we have together (now adults.) I do things without him, go out without him, (with friends and family) and am fine without him, but I enjoy doing things with him too, going on day trips, for meals out, to the theatre, on holiday etc... And I love staying in with him sometimes too, having a nice meal and watching a film!

@lonelinessissuchasadaffair I am so sorry you feel so blue, you sound so low and unhappy. Have you thought about joining hobby groups? Joining in with some kind of sport? Or maybe some other activity? (Like a drama group or a choir?) Anything to get you out and about, meeting people/men. You're still fairly young, so you've not run out of time to have children yet.

Hope you're OK.

But PP is not saying that. You're muddling correlation with causation. More contented people are like to be open to relationships in the first place (and probablymake more appealing partners to other single people), it's not the relationship that solves unhappiness.

This is great advice!^

Op I have a dd with ASD and I just want to reach out and give you an um-Mumsnet-like hug.

Remember that you are looking at the “public” face of other people’s lives and comparing that with your inner life! In reality there will be lots of people who outwardly look busy and happy who go home and are far from that. Everyone goes through difficult and sometimes lonely times. And remember that a lot of people in relationships are lonely too!

Your colleagues at work sound awful btw. Hold your head up high and don’t give a shit about what they say. Frankly they don’t sound too happy themselves if they have to get their kicks through needling others. And they have no awareness of what you have to go through just to get to work!

I want you to know that you don’t need to feel remotely embarrassed about living alone or not having had a load of relationships as you have innate worth yourself, you are your own person, with unique qualities and there is dignity in that. Also, things happen at a different pace for different people.

I know a couple in their sixties who are both getting married for the first time! It’s a surprise to both of them and they are both extremely happy! I am not saying it will be as long as that for you but don’t feel you have to compromise who you are in order to be in a relationship. It’s a cliché but often the right person does come along when you least expect it!

The best thing you can do in the meantime is value yourself and your own life and put energy in to it, Say yes to every invitation however unappealing and don’t be too passive, invite people out for coffee or a walk too and don’t take it personally if they decline.
Put effort and energy in to your life at home. Develop good routines and pay attention to your sleep, diet and exercise. And your own interests.

You guard your own counsel op. You are every bit as good as them or the next person! And you are doing brilliantly being able to work facing the struggles that you do and on x2 ADs. Far from being wierd; you are a Titan!

I would advise against lying as it weakens our own confidence but there is no need to be open to people whom you don’t trust.

In addition to the great advice above; would you be open to getting a pet? It has to be the right one. But imho, not only are pets great companions in themselves, they also force you out of the door and bring other good people in to your life. Good luck 💐