Feel really unhappy

[xLittleMissCantBeWrongx]

I can’t sleep. I dont know why I’m posting this really. A bit of a pity party maybe.

I feel really lonely.

I turn 40 at the end of the month. Lots of people asking me what I’m doing for it. Truth is, probably not much. I have a nice life, good husband, lovely kids, but I don’t have many good friends. I have a job that’s really full on and I lack time. The time I get, I spend with the kids. Lots of people around me are turning 40 and I see on social media etc the stuff they’re doing with their friends and I feel crap. I feel fat and stupid and lonely.

Husband is a good guy, but doesn’t really “get” the whole birthday thing and whilst he’d facilitate a celebration of some sort if I wanted it, he doesn’t seem that bothered. My mum is sick just now. I don’t want to do something with family that doesn’t include her and my siblings dont really have the headspace for this just now. Understandably. The few friends I do have, don’t know each other, so I’m worried about having a little gathering in the house because it’ll be awkward and stilted.

But my god I feel crap doing nothing. I feel so fucking inadequate.

Is it because it's a 'big' birthday do you think? I didn't do anything special for mine just went out for dinner with my husband. You sould like you feel a bit low at the moment in general which is probably just making it all feel worse.

If you could choose something to do on the day, regardless of whether it's possible, what would you do?

Big hugs. I turned 40 and had a quiet meal out with family. We were (and still are) struggling with day to day living costs and I couldn't justify anything bigger. I dont have many friends either, and lost a few more when my old boss spread untrue rumours because I left for a less stressful job.
It can be hard seeing other people's social media, especially when your life seems crap, but I try and remember I don't see what crap they have- just the nice stuff that they post. Is there one thing on a bucket list you can do with your family? Go in a helicopter, afternoon tea, theatre show?

I was in your shoes age 40! A few nice but not joined-up friends.

I agree it is embarrassing not to have a big group of fantastic women who will celebrate with you. It makes you feel lesser.

Since turning 40 I realised lots and lots of women are in this position, living small quiet lives, busy with family and kids and elderly relatives. Single parents who haven’t had sex in years. Single women who feel left behind their old friends-turned-mums. And I realised I can let the feelings of shame and inadequacy go a bit.

For my 40th I discovered I would be on a business trip with a work colleague to Paris. Unusual - I rarely travel for work. Colleague was a nice lady and we often ate lunch together. She suggested we should stay an extra night and spend Saturday in Paris - so we did! Had a lovely time and became great friends. And now when someone says “what did you do for your 40th?” I blithely reply “oh I spent it in Paris with my friend!” 😂

So be bold, worry less about what people think. What do YOU want for your 40th? If you want a little party with friends, make it a mixer - have a bbq, invite mums and partners and their kids. If you want a new hairstyle or a gym membership - make it happen, If you like the idea of climbing a mountain go and do that. It’s your birthday, and you have no shame in a life you are living perfectly well and happily enough. You are in many ways blessed, celebrate that and not the ways in which you feel you are lacking.

I am now 50 and I have broadened my circle of friends but I also addressed my heath and weight (well, a bit) and I learned to love myself a whole lot more.

Pick yourself up off the floor and recognise that you are not alone at all - loads of us just like you, all too busy to pause and take care of ourselves properly.

Thank you all. Yeah I think it’s the expectation of a “big birthday”, and lots of people asking what I’m doing and “you should have a party!” But I don’t think I really want a party, i don’t even know who would come. It feels stressful.

I have been pretty low, but I feel a little brighter today. I had a good chat with my husband. He said “you do what you want to do. What would make you happy? Ignore everyone else. Figure out what you want to do, and that is what we’ll do” sort of thing.

Actually a random mix of people for a few hours can really work. People are generally happy to pop over for a drink and something to eat. You provide the basics and it's up to them to do the rest. If you feel like a party/celebration have one. Your DH sounds like he's on board whatever you decide to do.

Parties are just stressful and hard work. Don't worry about what you should be doing and just do something simple like a meal out with dh. I went for a night away in a nice city with dh for my 40th. I went to a bookshop and bought some nice books. It was lovely. I went for a walk on the beach and then tea and cake with my dc and dh for my 50th. They are my favourite people so I'd rather be with them.i also did a few other things with different friends eg lunch out about a week later - but not one big thing. Bloody social media is a load of shit.

I'm in a similar boat with a big birthday coming up next year. I've decided to go away for it to avoid the hassle of having a party with barely anyone invited.

Thank God when I die I won't be around to see how few people come to my funeral.

@Kitkatkaboodlelovely post helped me too thanks