do u tell them they got autism if its not diagnosed yet??

[ChangingChances89]

ds keeps sayin hes stupid or broken cos he dont like loud noises or he messes up with buttons n zips n stuff.
i think hes autistic but no 1’s said it official yet. hes got a meeting in september with school but i dont know what they’ll say.

do u tell them if u think it but its not diagnosed?? i dont wanna lie but i dont wanna scare him or get it wrong either

feel like he needs 2 know hes not bad or weird hes just made a bit diff

i dunno what 2 say

has any1 else told their kid before it was confirmed?? did it help or make it worse??

i just want him 2 feel ok about bein him 🧡

If you have got a meeting with the school in September, any possible diagnosis is a long way away.

Would it be helpful just to reiterate that he's "not bad or weird.. just different "

I wouldn’t say this if so definitely at this stage. I would say: Look you are not stupid or weird. People have different habits. You know like uncle Jack likes whistling when he is doing something or cousin Emma fidgeting with her pen. Some people like loud noises some dont etc etc.

And actually it’s true. I know a few people with autism and some of th like loud noises and some dont.
I personally don’t have any autism and I always fidgeting with my pen and Im not a fan of loud noises and very particular about hygiene. I’m sure you can find some examples in yourself.
If you have a local parenting group ask them for an advice and books recommendations.

You can't tell him he's autistic when you don't know if he's autistic. Just tell him he isn't stupid or broken and keep repeating some positive traits ("You're so kind," "you're so helpful," "you're so funny") to build up his self-esteem.

You don’t know he’s got autism so it wouldn’t be true or helpful to tell him he does.

He's also not different. He is himself. Everyone is different to each other. It's not lumping ND and NT as being better or worse.

Different to what though? Everyone is different. I think the idea of an NT kid who goes through life never scared of anything, understanding every social situation is a myth. All children are still learning.

We told ours that everyone has some things that are harder and some things that come easily. With some people the stuff they find hard follows a particular pattern and then it is called autism. We were investigating whether he might be autistic. Whether he is or not, he still finds some things harder than others, and other things easier, just like everyone else. Name some stuff he finds hard (loud noises etc) but also things he is brilliant at.

Also bring in some autistic role models and mention their autism without pushing the "you might be like them" angle. Just build some positivity around the idea of autism without connecting it to him, so he has a positive space to "step into" when he is ready.

@pizzaHeart I think that is a really nice, validating approach.

OP after my son's diagnosis he said "I am a happy autistic boy". Beware painting him as "different", it's othering and doesn't really have much meaning other than a negative one to a many children.

No of course not.

You tell him he’s brilliant at XYZ, point out differences between people he knows and how they’re still amazing at ABC, you tell him you will help him be the happiest he can be.

You don’t give him a putative diagnosis when neither of you currently have the tools or support to give any meaning to it.

DS asked me why he was weird when he was 8. So, age appropriately we explained we thought he might be autistic and gave a basic understanding of what that was. This was many years ago before autism became something we all know at least something about and many kids will have heard the term in school. DS is indeed autistic but by the time his diagnosis came he was already completely comfortable with it.

How would you have managed that if he hadn't been diagnosed and had been told he wasn't autistic?

That would have been very much dependent on what the next steps were, so I can’t really answer further than we would have explained to him that he wasn’t autistic but…

We never told him at any point prior to diagnosis that he was autistic, simply that we thought he could be. Along with that we managed his expectations and made sure he knew the outcome could be either or and there were other possibilities.

thank u all 4 bein honest 💛 i get what ur sayin n ur right i probs shouldn’t say it yet… i just hate seein him feel so low about himself 😞

i do tell him hes kind n funny n clever n all that but its like it don’t go in sometimes.
i might try explainin that everyone finds diff stuff hard like u said… n maybe bring up the loud noises in a more normal way not a scary way x

glad i asked cos i was close to tellin him n now i see it might not help yet x

I love the idea that with diagnosis comes tools and support. If only!

If he struggles with buttons/zips OP then it may be because of dyspraxia instead of/as well as ASD. DS has a diagnosis of both. How is he with using a knife and fork? Hand writing? Tying shoe laces? Riding a bike? Struggles with those could suggest dyspraxia.

It's not clear how old he is but I would just be very patient with him as much as you can and not do things for him - just say 'you're not silly it just take lots of practice to learn new things so have another go'.

With him not liking loud noises i would tell him that putting his hands over his ears is a great way to manage it - it much easier to learn ways to deal with things then to try to avoid them altogether. One of the things that was picked up with DS was that he put his hands over his ears in loud assemblies (not picked up by any of his teachers though!) - but he loved fire works! So don't assume he will have issues with all noises and try to avoid them all. Also DS didn't like motorbike noises for a while but is now fine with it, so it can change as they get older and have more experiences.

So anyway, no I definitely wouldn't tell him. Apart from the fact that it might not be true, he might start telling people that he is autistic and that would be very awkward if it turns out he's not! He almost certainly wouldn't get diagnosed just on not liking loud noises or struggling with buttons. You haven't mentioned how old he is or anything about social/communication skills so it's hard to have any idea really.

However if it turns out that school suspect then yes I would mention it in a positive light to him as a possibility. One other thing - has he picked up this idea that he is broken/stupid from other children, if so then definitely discuss that in September. He might just be quite hard on himself/be a bit of a perfectionist/easily frustrated - but worth just making sure that he's not getting picked on by others.

No you dont, a diagonsis will take around 5 years if you havent even done the referral yet. You dont know if it is or isnt till a doctor says.

I think telling him about autism and saying its a possibility he is autistic would be the right thing to do. Knowing you are different but having no idea why must be torture. Imagine having a physical ailment and maybe not being able to walk. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you the possible reasons even if not confirmed rather than pretend all is well.

this has really helped me think it thru more so thank u all 💛

ds’s 10 and yeh he struggles with knife n fork, ridin his bike, buttons, all that. never thought about dyspraxia before but now u say it it kinda fits more than autism in some ways. i’ll def bring that up with school in sept.

he’s not been bullied as far as i know but he’s v hard on himself like u said… gets frustrated so quick, hates not bein able to do things same as others. i just want him to feel ok bein him 😢

i won’t say anything yet but maybe i will one day if it feels right n we’ve got more info x appreciate u all being honest without makin me feel stupid

I’d go with this line. He hasn’t got a diagnosis and might not even get an autism diagnosis. He might not might the criteria for anything, or he might get a different diagnosis that’s not autism.