I have some concerns about DP's female friend.

[Sunspecs]

I've been seeing him about a year, moved in the same circles for a long time before that.

I know this woman, she's a bit "odd", likes to talk and involve herself in things.

DP could probably also be considered unusual. He loves people, loves to chat and enjoys making people feel involved. He is particularly good at taking outsiders under his wing, and this is what happened with this woman, a few years ago. She felt she was getting bullied by some members at a club we're all part of, he went out of his way to be nice to her.

She's an attractive woman in her 60s, with apparently, a controlling husband (she talks to DP about this a lot).

DP is mid 40s. DP does genuinely seem to believe it's just friendship (and he doesn't see her often, never texts) and that she's different but harmless.

I'm not so sure she's "harmless". I don't think she's looking for an affair, but I do think she likes to create and be the centre of a drama.

E.g following a recent party, that I was unable to go to, she called him saying she needed to talk to him urgently, but not on the phone, could they have coffee. He went because he would, to have her tell him that him flirting with her at the party was out of order, her DH would be mad and it wasn't fair on me.

Now, as I said I knew DP for a long time before we got together. I've never seen him flirt with anyone, including me! He was genuinely upset with this and asked other friends who were there what he'd done wrong, everyone said he'd just been his usual friendly self, to everyone, not just her.

He thinks she just misunderstood and wanted to sort things out. I think you don't go for coffee with someone you think has been flirting inappropriately 😆

I'm not worried about him. I am concerned that she's aiming to cause trouble and he seems blind to it/wants to see the best in her.

I don't think she's a threat to our relationship, but I do think she could be a threat to DP, as I suspect he won't be the only person she told about this... and there's the nasty husband in the background if gossip gets out.

I'm not going to try and ban him from seeing her, but I have advised him to be careful with her. He's responded very sensibly, listened to my concerns, can see why I think that, but ultimately still believes she's harmless but a bit different.

Is she?

This woman sounds unhinged.

Gosh that turned out long, sorry.

Yes, I know, but he doesn't see it.

Well, she has given him an ample opportunity there to back away from the friendship.
If she asks why, he can genuinely say he is respecting her boundaries, that he was not nor ever would be flirting and does not want to gain that kind of reputation at work and to take her batshittery elsewhere.

I’d say to him she thinks you’re flirting with her, if she tells her husband you could be facing aggression from him. Maybe it would be sensible to back away.

He's an adult and you seem to be trying to judge and micromanage his friendships. Unless he has form for making poor choices or getting involved in drama, I would continue to let him make his own choices.

I am letting him "make his own choices". You've never had any concern for someone you care about?

@Sunspecs i think you are misunderstanding what @autienotnaughty is saying. Think they are saying that you should tell him to back away.
To be honest your partner sounds like he lacks emotional intelligence if he can’t see how toxic this woman is or that it’s bothering you ( either than or he’s disregarding your feelings).