Move to Scotland to be with husband or stay in north east

[jaysj]

My husband has worked on the road for the same company for around 5 years. (We have been together 11 years and he has always worked away even prior to starting with his current company so it’s the norm for us). In the last 6 months he has taken on a permanent role in one location for his job, 3 hours away in the stirling area in Scotland which is around 3 hours away from home. My parents are my support network and are are there for me at the drop of a hat when he’s away and my kids 3 and 5 months but mainly the 3 year old, have a great relationship with them which I’m so grateful for. Currently my partner travels home every Friday afternoon and travels back early Monday morning. We are starting to consider whether moving there would be an option. I love where we live and there is so much to do in the north east for kids we are never short of places to go and I’m not sure if the stirling area offers as much as the north east for kids. We visited recently and had a great time but I’m but sure I could see it as home. I would love to have my husband home each night and for the kids to see him and have a ‘normal’ family life but knowing how much my 3 (nearly 4) year old adored spending time with his grandparents and how much of a support they are is a lot to think about aswell as loving where we live currently.

There is no easy answer but I’m just wondering what others would be likely do in this situation and looking for others perspective. Thanks!

I would have thought seeing their dad every day was a bit more important than seeing their grandparents all the time. What sort of support do you get from your parents that you are so heavily reliant on it? Personally I'd rather keep the nuclear family intact and be with my husband, but it depends on all sorts of factors. How happy is your marriage is the most obvious question? I'm sure there are plenty of activities for kids to do in and around Stirling - life is what you make it. To be honest, I just don't think you want to move away from your comfort zone (which is understandable) but it could be a mistake in terms of your marriage.

Stirling is a great place for kids, lots to do and easy access to Glasgow and Edinburgh. I’d worry about moving away from your support network unless living with your DH means he would be able to pick up more of the slack. A good flexible network is worth its weight in gold when they are small, and you’re very used to living apart so unless there was a measurable improvement in quality of life for you all I’d be reluctant to change things.

Yes you’re probably right, this is my comfort zone. I love where we live, we have the coast on our doorstep and myself and my older son love it. There’s also the childcare costs to consider, Scotland don’t have the funded hours for 9 months old so without any help from family for childcare (my parents always offered and have loved providing childcare whilst I was working alongside nursery, it was never expected) we’d have extra costs there. It worries me having absolutely no family around. It’s not that I rely on my parents at all, they just have a really close relationship and I going from seeing them weekly to every few months would be hard (not so much for me but for my toddler I think). I had such a wonderful relationship with my grandparents i would like the same for my own. I think because this is normal for us and I would say up until I had our second baby, I was used to our set up and enjoy my own company but I’ve definitely been more lonely since mat leave and missed him more.

But if you are only three hours away from your parents surely you would see them more often than "every few months". You could see them at least once a month.

It looks like your DH moved away just before your youngest was born though - have you never lived together as a family of four? Surely that has some value unless you aren't sure about your marriage and living together full time.

Also consider that you wouldn't need to live in Stirling itself. It is so central that there are many, many options that would be a short commute for your DH.

I’d move but only really because Scotland (currently) offers free university education

Could you move somewhere in between? In the borders maybe?

You can have a great relationship with grandparents based on spending a decent chunk of time with them when you do visit - dd used to spend a couple of weeks with her grandparents each summer and we all had a couple of other weeks during the year so that isn’t a problem and they could have a better relationship with dad

moving somewhere new is bound to be scary

what is DH view - would be want to spend more time with the kids

I wouldn't remove my support network for anything. Your kids are used to DH only being home at weekends, so I wouldn't change it.

I think it would be more beneficial for your children to live with their dad full time and it would be a shame if you prioritised other relationships.

I wouldn’t move in your situation. Does your dh work long hours Monday- Friday? How much would he see the kids each weekday. Is this role likely to be a long term one?

Stay where you are!

I wouldn’t move. You’ve a great support network and the north east is gorgeous. You see your husband every week. To be honest, I think your set up sounds great, so I’d say stay where you are settled and happy.

It does sound as if your parents are your primary relationship, if your husband is now settled in a job in Stirling he will start to feel that it is home, Surely you would want to be with him?
How would you feel if a husband’s primary relationship was with his parents? Can you imagine the drubbing he would get on MN?
your parents are a lot older than you and you will be are setting yourself up to be their support network as they age.
I always find it a bit co dependent when I see a Mum and her Mum at Stay and Play. They are distinctive and it looks claustrophobic.
The Children will start to recognise that things are different in their family as they get older. The stats on long distance relationships are concerning too. You are much more likely to break up. He may start to feel lonely on his free evenings and look for company elsewhere.
iIt doesn’t sound like a strong and lasting relationship.