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Advice from fella mums urgently needed

2 replies

Worriedmoma · 07/08/2025 04:57

Sons has some money, large amount from his grandparents inheritance, from a young age he has known about this few hundred thousand and was in his account from 18 plus, away to university and has supported him 4 years in university and my son returned home to a part time job in retail and a year living with myself agagin, I never charged any rent bought all his food,paid extra on my bills dispite not been in a great financial position myself so was hopeful he kept and had remaining money to himself fir things such as deposit on a house etc, jump for ward one year after uni son still not getting anywhere with a job in sunject area trained but kept a 16 hour retail job so was happy he was at least working and content for now
suddenly he starts supposed visits to abroad to see uni friends, has got friends from university so was a shock and encouraged to enjoy himself booked time off work all great, to been abit suspicious sometimes something was a miss as spending alot of time on a online chat room, turns out he met a young lady 21 and they have been talking some months, happy for him and he went abroad to meet her all agagin genuine as she was who she sod she was and wasn't been cat fished, a week later he returns told me they would see how it goes and she was thinking of coming to UK to university, great fast forward two weeks and she visited and now is signed up to UK University few hours away son is now besotted and in love and they are getting a house together and gonna give it a go, very quick he has quit his job immediately dispite my advise it's hard to get any job and has now signed up for a 1200 pounds a month flat they he has personally financed and she gets to move in and only has 600 a. Month student finance, he has no job yet and now is in a. Major. City few hours from home with a girl he's known around a month properly and won't listen to a word of caution
He's a adult I hear you say yes u are correct but the amount of money he is spending, years rent in advance £14,200 pounds and the living costs this flat will cost in the mean time and when he gets a job living off the inheritance is the only sure way they will survive,
I have just found a pile of receipts and I really didn't mean to look but out of concern I did, in five days they have spent 500 pound on food/drinks looking at this receipts I am mortified and every transaction is on sons bank card
It is none off my business tbh yes, but I really this this girl is usingy son as a cash cow and this just proves it, he is very nieve and this is his first relationship but I know if I say anything negative I really risk losing having a relationship with my son, we have met her very briefly twice, yet son has stayed with them twice for lengthy holidays and they are been very kind and nice to him as a family,
It may just be my sons nice nature and I have pointed out to him financially having this fault won't last long if he doest step up get a job pronto and also that she should be helping out with bills and looking for part time employment, yet her family quite well off seem to be quite happy to allow my son to finance this flat alone
Concerned mum and pulling my hair out with worry at the rate in which money is getting spent,
He did recently purcace a 12 grand car, but apart from that he literally has nothing to show for a 200k inheritance,
I ahd no control over the money was left to him directly upon 18th birthday, I'm not one bit jealous and I have allowed him to put myself under financial strain to support him for last 12 months fir him to them just waste money like water,
If I say anything I risk losing a future relationship with my son but cannot help but feel when I see this girl she is using him like a. Mobile atm,
In a day these receipts showed literally two meals a day out and activities also, they currently in a air b and b for two weeks till they get keys for flat and then I presume will be him finance furniture and the bloody lot, can see it all going tits up but what can I do🤔😭

OP posts:
MidnightScroller · 07/08/2025 05:29

This does sound worrying! I think all you can do is keep him - and her - close to you. If it all goes wrong then you’ll need to pick up the pieces. In a few weeks/months they’ll start arguing and he’ll be in a less rose tinted glasses honeymoon bubble. You want him to be honest and confide in you. In the meantime you could suggest he puts say £150k in a high interest secure account so he can’t blow that for a few years. If you say he’s got £50k or whatever for the next say 3 years then that sounds like a lot to keep him going so he might agree to it.
If it turns out she’s the one then you’ll have been close and nice to her from the outset and all good.

LightDrizzle · 07/08/2025 05:37

Unless you have left key things out then you are leaping to conclusions about this very young woman and her motives. It’s not her fault she isn’t wealthy at 21 like your son. Do you know that she is demanding these things? Would you have a problem if it was her with the money and not your son?

You describe a son who was making poor decisions before he met this girlfriend, presumably because he knows he has this money coming. If he wants to live in a flat and eat lots of takeaways and meals out and she can’t afford it on her maintenance grant and whatever, if anything, her parents give her, then he probably wants to have her with him.

I would also be worried, but it sounds like your son was likely to rip through the money without her help. With regard to her, it’s a good sign that her family is welcoming to your son. Has she got a first degree in her own country? Do you know what she has been doing since leaving school?

I think your best course is to be super welcoming to the girlfriend and say not a word against her to your son but I would express concern about the way he is ripping through his inheritance and encourage him to get full time work and curtail his spending. Point out that he has a huge advantage compared to most of his peers in terms of getting on the housing ladder at a young age for example.

Has she got a visa to study in the UK? How will any university costs be met?

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