So lonely - just stage of life?

[SpoodenWoon]

Hand hold anyone? I’m so lonely I want to cry. Two DC, 1 and 3. I work two days a week mix of remote and in office. Have a supportive DH but he works a lot and away a fair bit.

We do go to groups twice a week but some days it hard and we spend a lot of time in the house or parks. Have a couple of casual mum friends but don’t see them all the time and it can be pretty surface level with one of them.

1 yo won’t be put down at all and screaming / crying a lot at the mo for past month (teething) so even if I put on a podcast for ‘company’ I end up having to pause as I can’t hear anything.

Then the near constant sibling fights are so draining. All just normal toddler life stuff and I am very grateful for my life, it’s just the loneliness I’m struggling with. I get depression and anxiety but have a better handle on it now DC2 is getting bigger.

Does it get better at school age? Feeling pathetic now I am in tears.

Thanks in advance for any kindness.

Hi! I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. Do you have any family you can reach out to?

also - sorry what is DH1/2?

i can imagine this does feel lonely I’m so sorry to hear this, but you’re never really alone - and things can change so quickly.,

I feel you as I came out of a long relationship where I was I allowed to really see anyone - but have started to rebuild some old friendships and attend classes etc and can see things starting to turn around.

have you told your partner how you feel?

I don’t have anything particularly comforting to say other than you are not alone. I relate to every single thing uv said. My children are similar age to urs, I work part time, couldn’t afford nursery to go full time even if I wanted to, my DH is self employed and working his arse off 6 days a week just to make ends meet and I feel like I just trail round parks alone or am in my house alone with them playing up, the place is a mess. I even do the same as you listen to podcasts for company but again same you can barely even hear it ! I really do hope that it’ll be easier in a few years as right now I am not enjoying things at all

Im so sorry you’re having such a difficult time at the moment. Nobody tells you or prepares you for just how lonely and isolating life can be when you have very young DC, it can be a really tough time. I can remember walking for miles with my 2 in the pushchair (similar age gap), just to get out of the house and hopefully chat to somebody even just briefly and to not feel quite so alone, but it really does get easier. Once they’re a bit older they’ll become the best of friends and entertain one another.

You said you have anxiety and depression, is this worsening? Is it worth talking with your GP? I’m sure you wfh because of childcare costs but is there any possibility you could go into the office for 2 days a week to get that social contact?

Just remember thought that this is such a brief time and before you know it, they’ll both be starting school! You will get through it and have a good cry!

Oh bless you. I’m 66, suffering more bad luck than one family deserves and often feel lonely. I look back and weep at the happy times when I had my family around me. I know it’s not what you want to hear but this too will pass.

You are doing great - don’t worry it does get better in time, but of course as they grow, then new challenges come along.

It was quite isolating and hard for me too, and so until I returned to full time work, I went on long walks to the park each day with the children and put waterproof trousers and clothes on them when raining , and still got out, as I found it really helped to break up the day, especially when no other activities planned. We did many teddy bear picnics 😊

Maybe also just in case, double check at GP regarding your one year olds health, as my eighteen month old was unable to settle and crying for long periods when lying down & it turned out to be a nasty ear infection. Hope you have a wonderful day.

Thanks for your reply. Sorry but I don’t understand what you mean by DH1/2?!

I’m glad things are turning around for you, that sounds tough.

I have told DH but he’s always quite dismissive and just says ‘But you’re not alone, you’re with the children.’ I don’t think he gets how hard it is not having (meaningful) adult conversations/ interactions day in day out.

Ah sorry you’re having a tough time, although it is comforting to hear someone having a v similar experience! Even the podcast thing…The clutter/ mess is so overwhelming

Yeah, I never realised / thought about how lonely it would be.

I think the depression/anxiety is improving thankfully. Sometimes I wonder how I got through last year. I was prescribed SSRIs but was reluctant to go down that road. I’ve done CBT, talking therapy….

It’s A good point about going into the office more. It’s tricky because DH job is really full on and we commute so hard with nursery pickup etc.

I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through x

I know the feeling, I moved to the other side of the country to a village after having my son (naive!) And struggled with the loneliness. Wasn't meant to be as lonely as had a family member here but they ended up not being as social as promised!

I used to walk around the village pushing the pram listening to podcasts too for the adult human contact, was an awful time looking back and feels a bit like it happened to someone else. I go to classes and clubs too with my two year old but as you know it's hard to chat at length.

I used an app called Peanut which has led to some lovely friends I see weekly or every few weeks now, have you ever used that? Was a life saver gor me even just to have friend to WhatsApp if not in person. I also found organising a phone call eith friends from my old life was helpful too. It's a lonely time having small children and being part time or off with them, but it passes.

Thank you 😊 Yes we do lots of parks/ trail walks etc. Just wish it was easier to connect with other adults I guess. I feel like I’m speaking gobbledygook sometimes when I go into the office as I’m out of practice 😂

Good thinking about the GP.

We left London for the countryside so similar experience to you, thankfully I have my mum nearby.

Yes, you’ve reminded me of Peanut! I used to scroll for ages on there when I was pregnant/ postpartum. I’ll have another go at that, thank you 😊

I used to go to groups every day of the week and smaller groups would go to each other’s houses for coffee on top of that. Have you tried to get to know a couple of the mums a bit better? Could you invite a couple of them over for coffee and try and build more of a friendship?

I feel for you. I found this bit stifling and dull. In fact, it drive me to go back to work 2 days a week as I thought I was going mad.

It’s so much better when they start nursery too (by which I don’t t mean daycare). For me, this was the point I made really good friends.

Would you consider signing up for Home Start?

DH could be a bit more helpful, frankly! I'm guessing he doesn't have both children solo very often?

Things Home-Start can help you with https://share.google/nnmG8YSsKbhjlYKAx

Oh my goodness, your post resonates with me. I also have a 1 & 3 year old and the loneliness is crippling. Recently gone back to work after mat leave (WFH 4 days a week) and my husband works late and weekend shifts so I’m on my own a lot.
My children are in nursery and somedays the only other adult I get to speak to are their key-workers at pick up. Weekends are spent traipsing round parks because everyone has plans with their own families so again no adult contact.

(oh and my 1 year old also refuses to be put down and as for the constant fighting….argh!!)

Sorry, none of this is particularly helpful but I just wanted to say I hear you.

London to country for me too, albeit temporary but still several years and so hard! Harsh not to get fomo and wonder what if etc. Never mind then just parenting the little ones, sometimes I feel guilty at being so distracted by other things mentally and not just 100% enjoying this time that I wanted so much!

I’m open to it!

He is very hands on and I have the odd night or two away alone since becoming a mum. He’s away for a friend’s wedding for three nights at the moment (has taken eldest DC) and was abroad for four nights last week on a charity sports event. He did the same event last year and me and DCs had a sick bug, fun 🙄 So I was solo during that. He also stays away for work pretty regularly.

Thank you for the solidarity x

Fomo is hard!!

I still regularly feel like I’m going mad! Then I think about upping my work days but then I think I’d miss them- can’t win 🫠

Yeah good idea. Need to be more proactive I think

If it helps, think about how parenting is a long game.

My DD is 12 and at the age of your DC, carers were pretty interchangeable. As long as she had something sticky to get her hands into and a plentiful supply of Ella's mango pouches, life was good.

Parenting a 12 year old is less knackering but more complicated and expensive. Year 7 has been a roller coaster. And I'm a teacher!

What I am saying is do the things you need to do to support your mental health. If you've got a good friend or sister you'd benefit from spending a few days with, do it. I play music and I also like to paint and both those things can be done on residential weekends where they feed you three meals a day and it is absolutely unlikely any small person will want to get in your bed at 3am!

Yes it costs but much less than lads' jollies abroad.

It would be worth seeing your GP to get your iron, vitamin D and thyroid levels checked. Problems with those can make you feel terrible.