Toxic job recovery - harder than I thought

[toxicjobrec]

Hi all, NC for this.

Seeking some advice on how to navigate the fallout from a toxic job. I've been in my industry for 20 years with a great track record. Recently, I left a leadership position (in the public sector) after 18 months due to:

• A boss who micromanaged me and others. He was known to demand excellence from everyone, despite not giving clear instructions, and was either completely unavailable or inserted himself into my team matters (stayed on the teams group chat, etc), even after being promoted, which limited my ability to lead. This led to people undermining me and going above my head and straight to him

• I inherited said boss's former team, who were incredibly loyal to him and had unresolved tensions, some with long-term sickness absence and performance issues. There was minimal handover, limited autonomy, and zero processes, so we were reliant on the boss's knowledge and sign-off for basically everything

• Feedback about me was often vague, delayed, or triangulated through others, which eroded my confidence. I had to push for things like a working laptop, approvals, end-of-year reviews, a set of objectives, etc.,

Things culminated when I handed in my notice and took stress leave, only to be hounded by my boss via WhatsApp and emails to assist with a handover. When I firmly pushed back and altered HR of his conduct, all went v. quiet. I was even told privately by an HR business partner that my boss's behaviour was "known to them".

I have continued the remainder of my notice period unbothered by them (great!), but my confidence is shot to pieces. Partly due to the way things ended, partly because of how I was treated there. The more people I speak to, the more I
realise this sort of exit isn't uncommon. But after a string of job rejections since I dusted off my CV (12, 2 post-interview despite positive feedback), I'm feeling the heat. Luckily I have a nice DP who is keeping the mortgage paid atm, but even he is getting tired of my ruminating.

I'm struggling with moving on from this saga. I know a good job will be the anecdote but it's proving harder than i thought and I've considered retraining in something different, but I don't want a) to go back to being a student, and b) don't want to be pushed out of my industry due to one bad experience when I've had an otherwise stellar track record. I have worked for some fantastic bosses in my time, but didn't gel with this one (clearly!), and it's had a huge impact.

i'm exercising, eating well, trying to keep busy, but it's getting me down. I'd love to hear positive stories or tips on how i move on from this.

TIA!

What you are looking for is acceptance and action. Which it sounds like you are doing really well at.

Accept that it was unfair. Stop thinking about. Stop talking about it.

Action - keep applying for jobs. Reflect on what you can improve on and don’t ruminate on the rejection. (You will never have the full story from your vantage point).

It’s tougher than it sounds to keep looking forward. Again, you sound like you are doing everything you can to stay well - so I think you are doing better than you realise in a tough situation.

Agree with pp. it is unfair and accept the whole situation as a lost cause but learn from it & let it go.it is hard but doable.

keep looking and applying, do short courses to keep skills and even learning techniques up to speed. Think what you can take to your next role and keep an open mind.

think what you will say if you get asked why you left, try and put a positive spin on it by focusing on the time before the problems started. After 20 years time to try something new etc …

Sorry to hear about your situation. I was in a very similar position myself. The best thing you have done is actually leaving that toxic workplace. I did the same! Keep telling yourself: You have qualifications and skills and deserve more than being treated disrespectfully. You clearly understand how the workplace should be and you will NOT put up with working conditions that cause you extra stress and additional workload. You did the right thing! I chose to do something that was less pay but hugely enjoyable. I work from home with a great team and I do have flashbacks and wonder whether I could have done things differently but I know that I did the right thing by leaving. Hope this helps .

Thanks, all. I can always rely on Mumsnet to deliver wise kernels.

The worst part is wondering whether I fucked up entirely (no one is perfect, obviously) and whether i brought it on myself. Then, in saner moments, I think of all the stuff that was stacked against me. It's hard not going down that line of thought and spiralling.. :( i'm also worried that flashbacks are going to haunt me in future roles - and so few have come up. Agree with not having sight of the full recruitment process, too. i've been knocked back from roles that were paying £10k less than my previous role with no feedbakc other than they went with someone 'more experienced'. It's demoralising.

I had trauma from a job I left due to bullying. Union said I had a case for constructive dismissal but I was in no shape to do anything about that.

I had some counselling which helped me get things straight in my head. I had very much went down the route of "I'm terrible at my job, I'm never going to find a job" which wasn't good. Having an outsider look at the situation really helped.

I remember trying to talk about how I was so bad at my job and my counsellor got me to challenge my thoughts on paper. Full on looking for evidence that I was rubbish.

You cannot thrive in an environment without the proper tools, feedback and way of doing things.

It sounds alike you have your head screwed on. When you get a job you will hopefully see how bad the old place was.

@Sunnysidegold I'm sorry you experienced bullying at work - that must have been horrendous. and you're right, i felt set up to fire fight without the equipment. Do you think you've recovered fully?

One of my hang ups about counsellors is getting the wrong one - mainly because I don't have spare cash to burn at this point. When my parent died last year I accessed employee assistance through work and the counsellor assigned didn't really help/wasn't a good fit. It was a bit of a tell that neither my boss, nor the wider team, acknowledged that i was bereaved at the time (no card etc).