ds said he’s “not a real boy” 😢

[ChangingChances89]

ds (10) just said to me “i’m not a real boy like other boys, something is wrong with my brain”

i didn’t know what to say 😢

he was getting dressed n couldn’t do his buttons again. he just sort of slumped n said it really quiet. like he wasn’t even angry just sort of given up. i told him nothing’s wrong with his brain n he said “it don’t work right” 😢

he’s never said it like that before. he’s always known he finds some things hard but this just felt different. like he’s really starting to feel it.

i’m trying to stay calm for him but i’m crying writing this. i feel like i failed him somehow. like maybe if i’d pushed more at school last year we’d have some answers now.

we’ve got the senco meeting in september but that feels ages away. what do i even say when he feels like this?? i told him everyone’s brains work differently but i don’t think it helped much.

has anyone else’s child said similar?? how do u help them when they haven’t even got a diagnosis yet?

i just want him to feel ok in himself 😢

none of my children can do buttons or tie laces. They’re all real boys and are now 17, 20 and 23!

we are a dyspraxic family and one has dyslexia. But definitely real boys. We all have different talents and skill sets and emphasis needs to be put on what he CAN do. What is he good at - is he kind? Does he have a great sense of humour?

there are more important skills in life than doing up buttons!

There’s no right or wrong way to be a boy, however he does it he’s exactly the boy he was meant to be, & that’s enough. It may not feel enough for him right now, but he’ll have lots of skills, positives & strong points that hopefully he’ll come to realise as he matures.

It sounds hard for both of you.

Oh poor boy. Tell him being a person isn't about what you can and can't do. Someone who is in a wheelchair can't walk but they are still a person. Someone who is blind can't see but they are still a person. Etc etc. We all find some things harder than other people and some things easier than others, maybe remind of what he's good at.

And don't beat yourself up about not having proper provision in place, the support for SEN in this country is shit at the moment and you continually have to fight for everything.

And maybe try and avoid clothes with buttons.

The standard line we use is 'everyones brain are different, some people's brains are wired even more different which makes some things more difficult to do. That doesn't mean you are any less of a person. It just means some things are harder and you do have to try harder at them. But other things you can do and other people will never be able to do. That's ok because if we were all the same we wouldn't have electricity, or cars, or computers.' I know l sometimes have crying fits where I cry 'why can't I adult properly? Everyone else does it right and I cant, I just fail' but then I have to say - that's how I feel right now, it's not the truth it's my brain and if others can't recognise that sometimes I'm shit at stuff and forgive me then frankly they are not people I want to be around.
Try to teach resilience and recognition that sometimes the way you feel is self perception not reality. Have a look at the Neuro diversity podcast. There's a line in the intro 'you are exactly what this world needs right now' which is a great mantra for kids.

A long time ago I read the phrase 'never judge your insides against someone else's outsides'. It's a useful phrase for when a person feels rubbish about themselves and thinks everyone else can manage everything.

This is a time to talk about how every human alive finds different things easy and difficult and every single one of them is a real person. The value of a human is so much more than doing up buttons!

Don't panic or engage with it too deeply at the outset, pretty much every kid has a phase where they feel a bit rubbish compared to others.

If it gets to be a big issue though, seek help (from school or GP).

I’m guessing there’s more going on than doing buttons if you’re seeing the SENDCO in Sept. If you feel he is neurodivergent then make sure you keep a record of what he struggles with to give to SENDCO. Think of your son’s worst day and give them the unvarnished truth.
If his self-worth is taking a battering, then praise him on the things he does well and also show him other successful people who are also neurodivergent. Neurodivergent people have excellent skills in other areas and NASA is well known in seeing those skills in dyslexic employees.
(Actor Daniel Radcliffe who played Harry Potter is dyspraxic and couldn’t tie his shoelaces - he’s very much a ‘real’ man now and was a ‘real’ boy when he played Harry.
https://ourworkingway.growthco.uk/people-and-engagement/health-and-wellbeing/international-day-of-people-with-disabilities/neurodiverse-celebrities/ )

dyspraxia.

My son's got it, he's been through OT which really helped his button doing up skills and handwriting - although TBH we just avoid buttons (M&S elasticated school trousers are great. Easy dressing shirts are diabolical - better to just leave the top button undone all the time and put them on like a t-shirt). These days he just does piano and I have squeezy fidgets in the car as a sneaky way to get him working on strength. He will never be able to do up shoe-laces - many over the years have tried to teach him to tie a knot, all have failed :)

He has an accommodation to type in exams, because his writing is so bad (although his poor maths teacher still has to endure it)

He absolutely sucks at anything that needs co-ordination or hand strength (often asks me to open his water bottle, and he's 14!)

But as you can see, we're very matter of fact about it - he doesn't feel down, although obviously he occasionally gets frustrated - we accept that not everyone is good at everything, and there's just some things that are going to be hard (verging on impossible) for him. He didn't learn to ride a bike until he was 13, his organisation has come on leaps and bounds, but I don't trust him to iron yet for example.

I would talk up the things he can do well, commiserate and work around the things he can't - I wouldn't sugar coat it - it does suck, but I bet there's things he can do easily that other kids find hard, and he needs to somehow get around to the idea that not being able to do up buttons/tie his shoes/write neatly/draw well matter in the grand scheme of things.

DS1 is dyspraxic (and dyslexic and autistic) DS2 is dyslexic and has a lot of executive function issues too. We're at the start of the assessment pathway to find out if there's more involved as I've had doubts for some time and finally school are seeing issues as traits, and for a good while I've been observing wondering whether there's enough to meet diagnostic criteria. Tbh the same applies with me, but there would be less benefit to assessment having crammed and panicked my way through my own education a long time ago.

They might be 12 and 14, but both need help with things like doing shoe laces. It's not an indicator of intelligence; their brains are just wired with spiky profiles which means they either excel at some things or struggle with others including a lot of "basics"

Despite going through things with DS1, and 20 years of working with young people, it's still been hard to identify where the line of issues is, and getting school and other professionals to take notice is harder now than it was pre-2020 when I went through the process with DS1.

One of the things DS agrees with, is as SEN goes, dyspraxia really is the easiest one to deal with. It's a bit trite obviously, but elasticated trousers, slip-on shoes, gadgets to give him leverage to open bottles, and having to be taught habits/routines because you can't figure them out for yourself (yet, that has been improving as he gets older) really isn't the end of the world - it's so much easier to work around than dyslexia for instance.

Gotta judge your moment for that conversations - sometimes the 'it could be worse' conversation helps, sometimes it doesn't.

My daughter has been like this for a while OP ..comments like why am I different? I don't work like other people . I am frightened . I know exactly how heart breaking it is for all the family. I spoke with school and they referred her to be tested for Autism and she is on the spectrum.The very first thing she said was told you I was different mum! I feel alot better now I now I am not going crazy! Since then its been 4 moths she has settled down totally and is much happier in herself, almost lighter and a different girl. She felt different but not knowing why and she now has her answer as to why and it has soothed her mind. I hope you find some peace for your son and your family if you can explore something like this. x

Oh bless him, poor little guy. I think my DD had this kind of thing going round in her head but never verbalised it to us. We only knew how badly it had affected her after her diagnosis (severe dyslexia, only diagnosed in year ten when she could no longer compensate and keep up). When we got her report and diagnosis I asked her how she felt about it and her response was ‘I’m so glad mummy, I just thought I was stupid’. Broke my heart. I hope you get answers for your DS and soon. Xx

What your DS said reminds me so much of something my DD said to me a few years ago; "I'm just stupid, everyone else can do it". It was in relation to reading and understanding something, rather than a physical issue, but it was having a similar affect on her self esteem. We pushed school to do some testing, but they were next to useless, as she is bright and was doing well at school, so they weren't worried, but we were! We took DD for some private testing, and she was diagnosed with a processing disorder. Now we know what's different about her, and that there is something different about her, she is so much happier and no longer thinks she's "just stupid".

I really think pursuing a diagnosis for your DS will help him, and it will enable you to put the right things in place to help him. Hopefully the SENCO at school will be able to help you with this in September.