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Single and lonely - neighbours

20 replies

Inbetweenie993 · 05/08/2025 18:11

Would love some advice... I have been alone for 10 years+ Live ina lovely village and very happy here. 2 sets of neighbours, ie 2 couples getting very friendly. I get on with all of them very well. They have started going out as a foursome. I would LOVE to be included. I get on with everyone, and am no femme fatale - not interested in the 2 men. Do not act or behave or dress like i am somehow competing. Not interested!. Why don't they include me? What have I done? WWYD???

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 05/08/2025 18:20

It took me a long time to understand this

But yeah, it's because you're single. And no matter how much you tell them you are not a femme fatale, nor how obvious you might feel it is that you are not interested in their husbands, that's what they think.

I finally figured this out when I accidentallyturned the whole thing on its head and acquired a boyfriend half my age when I was 47. It didn't last long because I don't really do relationships but hey. It was quite funny. I mean people who presumably thought I was either a femme fatale and hiding it,or there was something drastically wrong with me and I was only single because I was weird, - that was a very "oh my God, you should see your faces" moment. (bonus points if anyone can name the song)

The funniest thing about it was some of mum's couple friends who had previously suggested fixing me up and were thinking of men who are older than me.

But at that point, clearly no couples were going to make friends with me anyway!

I do agree that it's ridiculous. But I think they feel it upsets the dynamic. When I have dated, I didn't really involve my boyfriends in my social circle so I don't really know what couple circles are like. I can't say I feel I'm missing out though.

I'm sorry, you're lonely and I really do understand it. I posted a lot about loneliness here.

there are some normal people out there. I was recently invited to somebody's husband's birthday party, by the wife who was doing a surprise party. So that was nice. But I can't really imagine two couples ever deciding to include me.

Meadowfinch · 05/08/2025 18:21

Their social structure is based on couples. You aren't part of a couple and would change the dynamic.

I am also single, live in a lovely village, get on with everyone, face the same issue. I joined the parish council. I joined park run. I joined a class,

You could try getting to know individuals through shared interests.

Inbetweenie993 · 05/08/2025 21:40

Bless you for answering, makes me feel less alone! Will take on your suggestions!

OP posts:
Bufftailed · 05/08/2025 21:49

I think they’re a bit narrow minded. The cool couples I know do include me, make a point of it. If these couples don’t that is their loss.

rollerblind · 05/08/2025 21:50

Why don’t you suggest a drink or meal out with both couples? I am married and my husband and I would happily go out with both couples and singles.

cheesycheesy · 05/08/2025 21:53

They don’t want you playing gooseberry. Narrow minded but it is what it is.

Autumnmizzle · 05/08/2025 22:25

Name changed but a regular.

You are not alone, it is nothing you have done and I suspect there will be nothing you can do to change it.

It’s because you are single and many of us experience it.

I have been alone now for many years after losing my DH in an accident.

My first shock was being left out of social arrangements which we were always included in as a couple. Just at the time when I needed my friendships the most they dissolved in front of my eyes.

I spent a long time questioning what I had done wrong or whether I was just unlikeable. Two years ago one of those ‘friends’, newly widowed herself, told me that it was nothing personal it was just awkward having a spare female in the group. The balanced dynamic had been disturbed.

It is the same in the small village where I live now. Lots of couple events, but very few I am invited too.

However, it really doesn’t bother me anymore. I have a lot of friends, all my choice and all related to activities that I really enjoy. The majority of them are single too.

And loveliest of all is the fact that when I am with them, I don’t have to smile sweetly and listen to someone’s boring partner, sit awkwardly watching a couple bicker all evening or even worse end up in an ‘agony art’ role.

You ask what you should do and I would suggest finding some groups focused on your real interests and nurture new friendships that way. There are a lot of single people out there, many also feeling lonely and happy to meet like minded friends.

CleanShirt · 05/08/2025 22:31

Maybe they just have more similar interests? Are they of a similar age / background?

Mumteedum · 05/08/2025 22:44

It's not you, it's them and how society seems to operate. I've been single for the best part of a decade or more. I realised gradually that the only male friends I have now were from decades ago before my exh. I never see my friends with their husbands or partners. I suppose partly because they probably want a proper chat and it would be boring for the fellas if they don't know me so well, but I would quite like to chat to them both sometimes.

Couples definitely seem to socialise with groups of other couples.

AvidJadeShaker · 05/08/2025 22:45

Are you friendly with the neighbours or actual friends?

If you are friends could you suggest a ladies night out?

orangedream · 05/08/2025 22:50

Suggest a meet up with just the women.

CaptainFuture · 05/08/2025 22:50

AvidJadeShaker · 05/08/2025 22:45

Are you friendly with the neighbours or actual friends?

If you are friends could you suggest a ladies night out?

This, are you actually friends with them? Have you organised anything?

sandgrown · 05/08/2025 22:56

I am single and have a group of married friends . I go out with the women about twice a month and I know their husbands very well but I am never invited when they go out as couples . Not sure why they never ask but I do know if I asked to join them they would say yes.

echt · 05/08/2025 22:59

It's them, not you. I was dropped like a stone by so many couples after my DH died and still don't get invited out except by women. I'm not horrible, honestly.

Extend an invite to the women and see how it goes. Meanwhile go for social-based hobbies and interests as suggested by @Meadowfinch.

Good luck.

imfabul0us · 05/08/2025 23:33

I’ve noticed that many married female friends did not make the effort to go out with me or other single female friends - we got relegated to a quick coffee, if that - it’s mainly texting now. Then they wonder why they have no friends when their husband dies/divorces. I have retained all of my single friends for many years. 🤷♀️

mondaytosunday · 05/08/2025 23:58

I think it’s not something they do on purpose but it certainly is a thing. I was widowed at 47 with two young kids. I moved for a fresh start and made new friends, mainly from school. I noticed that they were great meeting me for lunch or coffee or girls night but I never got invited to their dinner parties, though occasionally if it was a drinks party I would - I’d hear about them though. Then one woman asked me if I’d like to join their table at a charity function. I jumped at it - a fun evening with good food and opportunity to get dressed. But after I accepted the woman said she only thought of me when a few people dropped out and she needed to make up numbers, though admitted she didn’t know why she hadn’t thought to ask me before. But I knew why. I’m not in a couple. I make things an odd number.
The worse occasion was when a woman who I thought was one of my closest friends (we’d been on holiday together several times when single and her kids were my attendants at my wedding), invited me then uninvited me in the same phone call to her 40th birthday. It started off fine, telling me their plans for a hog roast etc, then she asked me if my DH would be able to come (he travelled for work). I said no but I’d be delighted. Well, then she back pedalled… ‘oh it will be mostly couples’ ‘you won’t really know anyone’ ‘I’m not sure it’s your kind of thing’… like what? I can still hold a conversation without my DH at my side. But I guess my worth dropped too low on my own. So I said if she thought it best I’d decline. That was the start of the end of our relationship.
I’d be asking the women to go for a night out and forget the men.

Dolphinosep0tatoes · 06/08/2025 00:08

God this sounds like such a 90s way of socialising - couples only!

Meetup.com is a pretty good way of making 21st century friendships

Inbetweenie993 · 06/08/2025 00:36

It's not just me! Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. I will think about what you have said, and try to be brave enough to invite the women involved without hubbies. I do get on with them very well, and thanks to you, a bit less puzzled and self consciously wondering what's wrong with me!

OP posts:
Newmeagain · 06/08/2025 00:50

Definitely not just you.

it’s not something I understood when I was in my 20s, because there was a time when I was in a group of friends that included couples and single people. So it came as a shock to me when, after became single, I suddenly realised couples would never include me in their plans.

JudyP · 06/08/2025 01:06

Start inviting them over for dinner at yours or out for dinner - we have a group that was an 8 and is now a 7 (due to a breakup) but we still include her as a single person but we were an established group before the breakup and she does initiate dinners also - maybe you go first and see if they reciprocate?

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