Would you have stayed in this relationship?

[UserNameNotAvailableTryAnotherOne12]

You're 20 you meet a 28 year old man and fall in love. He breaks up with his girlfriend for you.

You're 21. He tells you his ex found out she was pregnant after they split up and she's keeping the baby. They never lived together but he's visiting her alot to see the baby.

You're 22. You find out he never told her it was over. He's been sleeping with her. You tell her your his girlfriend. They definitely split up now. He says he didn't tell her it was over because she's fragile and he didn't want to hurt her.

You're boyfriend is 30 and living with his parents.
He has a one year old child.
He cheated on you and the woman he cheated with is always going to be in his life.

You love him and you've never felt that way about anyone else.
He says the same about you.

Do you stay with him or leave?

It Wasn’t because he fell in love with you that all happened. That all happened because he was living a double life, betraying his friends and family and even worse he was betraying the mother of his child, his girlfriend every day!!

It's never too late to leave.

That would be a hard no from me.

Why is that your responsibility? Is it a responsibility you’re prepared to take on by staying in a relationship you no longer wish to be in?

What you describe in this post is a ‘now’ issue. It is about his behaviour now. I think this is a really important distinction to make because otherwise you will end up arguing with him about things long since past and this will detract from the very real issues now.
The issues now are -
you do not feel supported (this probably extends to also dealing with DC, not just your MIL, and probably you need more emotional as well as practical support as your dad has also been ill)
you have been doing most of the care
on top of that, you have a stressful job.

The fact that you have these stresses now is what is making you question everything from the past, but that doesn’t help with what you do now. Do you think these issues are fixable? Do you want them to be fixable? Have you discussed them with him? What support do you have outside of your marriage? And if you don’t want to stay in the marriage, then the question becomes what resources do you have to leave? And start working towards what you do want things to look like.

Because there is no point thinking that your 20 year old self should have done something different. Be kind to yourself. None of that past stuff could have happened and you might still have these issues now.

That's a really cock eyed way of viewing things. You were the other woman and he ended up with you after his girlfriend dumped him over his affair. There's really no need to romanticise this by saying that him falling in love with you blew his life apart 🙄

Time to start getting your ducks in a row. What's your housing situation, rented/owned/ joint names?

He didn't leave his girlfriend for you though. He was with her the whole time, you were his bit on the side. He never broke up with her at all, you broke them up by telling her he was cheating on her with you.

His life fell apart because HE WAS CHEATING ON YOU BOTH. His friends and family were rightly disgusted by his lack of a moral compass in stringing you both along, not because he fell for someone else. If he had any shred of decency, he would have made a decision and broken up with one of you, not lied and cheated.

You're crazy to be with this loser. Get some self respect because he sure doesn't respect you.

His whole life didn't blow up because he fell in love with you.

His life blew up because he was in a relationship with someone and was cheating on her for years, and ultimately left her literally holding the baby. When he fell in love with you he should have split up with her, but he decided to have his cake and eat it. His family and friends were disgusted with him for doing that.

He left his girlfriend for you so what did you expect? Lie down with dogs = get fleas

Why would anyone spend another second in the company of a lying, cheating, shitty man who has no qualms about hurting two women and bringing a child into his toxic world and is so pathetic that at thirty he is still living with his mum and dad?

What you feel towards him is lust not love and he’s manipulated you into thinking he’s something special. No decent man would continue to ruin a young and vulnerable woman’s life and let her waste years of her life on him.

He’s like dogs muck stuck to your shoe. The quicker you wipe your feet and get rid of him, the better.

Did you stay or leave?

Probably questioning it because your frontal lobe is now fully developed it’s why major decisions made before around 28 are often questionable on reflection.

He lied to you and disrespected you.

It’s not great foundations for a relationship.

I would never be able to look at someone again if I knew they’d done that to me.

Leave, that’s serious disrespect

He only moved back in with his parents just before he turned 30 due to circumstances. Before that he lived away from them for most of his 20s.
Then he stayed there for four years until we moved in together.

He didn't have "no qualms" about bringing a child into what you call his toxic world. He didn't want to have a baby at that time or with her. It wasn't planned. They both decided at first that she wouldn't keep it but she changed her mind.

I wasn't just his bit on the side. He told his friends he'd split up with her. He introduced me to them as his girlfriend.

I don't think I want to get my ducks in a row.

I don't want to throw away all the years we had together.

I don't want to tear apart my children's happy home.

I really can't leave now.

Try seeing it as not 'throwing years away' more that you're opening the door to a new happier future. You don't love him, you know you can't trust him. Do you really want to give your future away to an unhappy marriage? Do you not think your children would benefit from a happy home with you with no resentment or mistrust?

What's really stopping you from leaving, are you scared of what could happen and the thought that it may not be a happy future? Do you think he would split easily or make it difficult?

You don't love him, I doubt he loved you when he was stringing you and his girlfriend along. Do you really want to waste more of your life feeling this way?

I don't want to tear apart my children's happy home.

It's not a happy home though is it. Maybe on the surface to the outside world it is but not really, not at the foundations.

If it were then you wouldn't be having these feelings and questioning yourself the way you are.