How do you get your DC to do chores?

[FishfingerFlinger]

Two DS aged 1 0 and 8, one has ADHD.

I just cannot get them to do anything useful!

Their bedroom is an absolute tip. I’ve repeatedly asked them over the weekend to tidy up.

iI’ve tried breaking it down into smaller tasks.

I’ve tried timers.

i’ve tried threats.

i have tried promise of reward.

If anything they have just made more mess. They just end up chatting, goofing about or getting distracted.

I’m at my wits end.

What works? Esp for ND kids!

I don’t think this has anything to do with ADHD. I think this is just kids at this age.

Pretty much, I don’t allow mine to do anything until she tidies up. No friends over, no going to see a friend, no days out. She sits in her room til she tidies it. She can mess around as much as she wants. It just takes longer. We’ve gone days like this. But it eventually gets done.

The one with ADHD is notably worse than the NT one.

I have threatened “nothing else until it is done” but they are honestly quite happy dossing about at home together endlessly so it’s not much of an incentive!

Have you tried just explaining

“right it takes a fair bit of we to keep a house running you are getting older so need to chip in s right before anyone goes on WiFi (or whatever) I need laundry downstairs, rubbish, dirty cups, plates, now please”

basically the if you don’t want to be treated as a little child don’t act like one approach

Visible charts up with their daily tasks and they get a sticker/tick when they’re completed. When you’re nearing the end of the day you go and check the chart together and if there’s still things on there they were meant to do and haven’t, they do them there and then.

Also during daily life be getting them to do things themselves to make things an automatic habit.

Once they’ve finished eating you tell everyone to take their own plates to the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher.

When they get changed for bed they put their own clothes into the laundry hamper.

When you all come into the house together they put their shoes into the shoe cabinet themselves.

Continue making these small tasks happen and they’ll become habit.

What are their incentives? Do they value Tv/ipad time, pocket money? When it time for those things you say “let’s go look at our daily chores chart.” If they haven’t completed it they have to do so before getting their tv/iPad etc.

They must have something they ask for daily or enjoy.

Pudding, TV, IPad, story’s before bed?

Use whatever you can as the motivation.

“Sorry X no you cant have pudding after dinner tonight until you’ve done the jobs mummy asked you to do earlier. We are all a part of this household and we all need to make an effort to keep it clean and tidy.”

They need to. Have an actual consequence. Get their consoles, computer, phone, I pad. Remove them all and lock them in the boot of your car. We did it with DS once when he backchatted me about gaming time with his GCSE revision.

Threats mean nothing unless carried out, it’s a big mistake. Threats and promises need to be achievable and need to be carried out. Say they hate you ? That’s fine.

You do it together, as a team. Set the timer for 15 mins and approach it in a happy mood.

Then you have a nice sit down together afterwards, read them a book chosen by each.

Wherever possible teach them teamwork.

This would be totally over the top for kids of only 8 and 10!

You start this heavy you'll have nowhere to go by age 13.

I think doing it with them - especially for the child with ADHD is your winner. You know if you leave them to it, it doesn't get done.
Be realistic.
Don't try and do everything. Have a weekly routine, change beds, pick up laundry, empty bins, put away clothes. Once it's tidy, they dust, you hoover. - or whatever works for you.
Agree that an incentive for when you finish will lighten the load. Go out/have a snack/watch a film.

It is a complete mystery to me why parents are obsessed with their DC doing chores. If you have zero expectations you will not be disappointed, and you won't waste your own energy nagging. Just leave them to it. The only rule I recall setting is that any clothes they wanted me to wash had to be put in the linen bin. Clothes left on floor were not washed.

This is what I did with my 10 year old who has a very messy room. First I tidied with her. We put some music on, and I made sure everything had a place to go away, and that she knew where us should all go. (Sounds basic, I know - but she did need some help).
the next couple of times I put the music on, and stood and watched/encouraged while she did it - in a fun way like a cheerleader! )made her laugh).
Then I got her to do it herself in short bursts before it got too messy - a five minute run around.
she’s a bit of a hoarder, so I have to encourage her to get rid of old stuff regularly.

Divide and conquer. Have one in the untidy bedroom and help them to tidy their half. Show them what you mean by a clean and tidy space. Show them where each thing goes, how to make their space tidy.

Then repeat with the other.

Then you hoover the room, clean the windows etc.
Talk about how long it has taken, how by working as a team every day the work will get less and less.

Also note whilst tidying with them what extra storage they need, what can be put away/donated/binned. Sometimes mess is overwhelming because there's too much stuff in too small a space.

Do the same tasks together eg if I'm cleaning the bathroom she can clean the shower screen or the towel rail for example. If we're tidying her room she can clear the floor and tidy her desk. I don't think their bedroom has to be their sole focus at a young age.

Or give a choice of two tasks - she does one while I do the other eg does she want to dust and clean the bannister, or does she want to sweep the entryway.

Or find something they quite like doing - my daughter doesn't mind taking the clothes off the line or clothes horse and separating them. I hate doing it so thank god.

Mine are 9&10 the 10 year old has autism its a bit harder with him. When I first stopped doing their rooms several months back I used to sit on their bed and say pick up all the rubbish. And point to every bit of rubbish for them to pick up. With ds 9 I could say tidy that corner. But with ds10 I have to say pick up pens put them in the red box . Then pick up the paper put it in the blue box so it has to be one step at a time.

I don't have to sit in the room anymore ds 9 find jobs for ds10 to do. And it seemd to work out . They help each other as they both make mess in each other's room.

When I was a kid our pocket money was dependent on us doing our chores. No chores no pocket money. It worked!

As @DaisyChain505 says, make small tasks become a habit. DS10 is far from perfect but he will now, without having to be asked, take his plate into the kitchen.

He also has jobs that are "his" - taking out the bins he actively enjoys (I think it's the responsibility of having a visible outdoor job, and he also likes the way the wheelie bins are suddenly easy to move when they're tipped), he will empty the dishwasher but needs to be reminded...and he will sometimes admit if he hasn't done much for a while.

For this he gets very modest monthly pocket money but it's so little that it doesn't feel like paying him to do chores, and so far I've not had to withhold it because he's not done anything, but he knows that's an option.

There's just the two of us at home, so he can see (if not always appreciate) that it's me doing everything...so like @frozendaisy I work very much on the basis of we both need to help to keep the house presentable and comfortable. He is surprisingly sensitive to how a room feels - his ND tendency to live in chaos falls away once a room is tidy and well-laid out - so I use that to encourage him to work with me to tidy his room, but I don't do it for him.

I think doing it with them is key.

Mine are slightly younger so this may be too basic for yours but I do stuff like:

Tomorrow is bin day - let's all go round the house together and gather up the rubbish

I'm doing laundry today - let's all go round the house and collect the clothes that need to be washed

Tomorrow uncle Fred is coming round, let's all tidy up the living room

That kinda thing

This isn’t the attitude to have with anything in life.

Having no expectations so you don’t get disappointed?

If you don’t teach your children to help around their own home and to be independent thinkers you will end up with lazy horrible adults.

My daughter has two working parents and two working hands. She's old enough to contribute to the household she's living in, within reason, and she certainly contributed to the workload. I'm not her maid for life. I also think it's important that she knows what goes into keeping a house and knows how to do various tasks, both cooking and tidying/cleaning.

Bin bag. Two choices. You clear up by x time or I do and it all goes in the bin. Follow through.

My asd adhd kids (all with mld) do do chores and I've always gotten them to help. Just had my dinner cooked by my eldest. I've always used natural consequences. It works for me. They don't help the family, the same will happen to them. They want to be grown up and independent . Why wouldn't I be doing what I can to help them get there. Plus I don't want them to be a useless male

If you want dc to grow up into adults who are capable, confident adults with a good attitude to tasks and work in general then it’s good to expect them to do chores.
Teach them from a young age and teenage years will be easier. You’ll have kids who know how to do laundry and can cook a dinner for everyone when parents are away or ill or just need a break.

If they share a bedroom, it might be easier to split them up Dc1 picks up all the toys and puts them away while dc2 helps mum in the hallway, then dc2 picks up all the clothes from the bedroom floor while dc1 goes and cleans mirrors and so on.
Everone gets a cheer and pizza/ ice cream when it’s all done.

It just wasn't an option for them not to.

They were brought up from a young age with being expected to do the things they were asked to. Eg, DS it's your turn to wash up, DD - your turn to dry.

A refusal to do anything would have meant they weren't going to football that week, or something similar. Actions have consequences; if you fail to do what I'm expecting you to, then I shall fail to do what you want me to, eg take you to an activity you enjoy. I don't remember ever having to put a consequence in place, to be honest. They were good kids who cheerfully did the chores expected. (Fairly minimal, but in a family you help out)

Body doubling which means doing it with them, or at least doing something alongside them.

Lots of quick little rewards. So not you get a sticker for cleaning a room, then after 10 stickers you get a reward a week later. Thats too slow. You need quicker things that make you feel good whilst doing it.. So if a room is 4 tasks, make sure its more like make the bed, pick the next song on Alexa, pick the clothes up, do a dance, run the hoover round, lots of praise, tidy the toys, slice of watermelon.

You are doing the right thing breaking it down, timers etc but a bit of motivation will help.

Routine helps too. I have seen this at the breakfast club I used to run. We just did the same thing every morning to tidy up and even the children with adhd just did it because that's what we did at 8.35. They often needed to be the one to help me carry or get a fust bump though. (I know children behave different for mum)

If they do the same thing every day, it does help to build a routine. Helping to lay the table, clearing up after meals, cleaning bedroom every Saturday morning, putting their clothes away are things they can do regularly.
If mine go off and forget to do a simple task like clear their plate away or leave a wrapper somewhere, I’ll call them and ask them to deal with it. I explain to them that it’s not to have a go but just so they remember next time.