How did you come to terms with an unhelpful and mean MIL?

[bananashoes]

as the title says, I’m curious for those of you who have dealt with this as an issue. How did you come terms with it? what boundaries and rules did you set in place? My husband is very keen to keep up a relationship, and then gets very disappointed when she does very hurtful things. I’m American, so culturally I find we handle this very differently. I go through periods as well where I quite crave a relationship and want to please, but I’m 8 months pregnant, with a toddler, and 2 older children (that aren’t her natural grandchildren and she makes it known) and we’ve just moved house/schools/communities, I’ve taken a nasty spill down the stairs, and am finding I have very little patience with it all. I don’t want to damage her potential relationship with her biological grandchildren, I’m also at the end of my rope in playing nice and catching the fall out when she inevitably does something hurtful to my husband. TIA

I mean in this instance I think it’s for your husband to take the lead on this. But it sounds like you guys are unlikely to want to see her more than a handful of times a year. Just keeping to a relatively low level of contact and seeing her for who she is and what her limits are should be a good starting point for your boundaries.

He’s actually quite keen to always see them- especially as his father, who is very sweet but also very unhelpful with our son (it’s learned helplessness- he gets criticized for everything by my MiL, so he thinks he’s useless and there are no expectations of him to be helpful bc they had clearly defined roles in their marriage which resulted in him making millions and retiring at 39 and her staying at home and keeping the home and children- he can’t even change light bulbs, but that’s also because she doesn’t ask and then becomes resentful and if he does she becomes critical and inevitably shouts at my husband for it??). But my husband gets the call grandpa wants to see grandson, we go round, MiL does something horrible and my husband is hurt but to be polite says nothing except to me when we leave.

he was quite keen we go to visit them this week in their massive beach holiday home especially as grandpa called and ask us to come down. I have broken some toes and have stitches in my foot from taking a second tumble down the stairs. He asked if they would be around to help, etc and of course the answer is well yes some but bananashoes is perfectly capable etc etc especially bc we did it on our . My husband stops short at saying anything to them bc he doesn’t want to hurt feelings and in the past when he has said anything his mother shouts and cries like a child.

I finally said no to the visit tonight and I sent a message saying firmly but politely thanks but no thanks. I can’t manage the water with my foot, and I can’t be on eggshells all week around his mother’s blow ups and nasty comments. Generally my husband and I are a team and right now we are not bc he won’t speak with them.

Sorry that should say bananashoes is capable of doing it because we did it on our own. My mil likes to throw this around a lot- but she also had a live in nanny, au pair, and separate nanny plus dropped the kids at her parents for 4-6 weeks a year. We had a night away from our toddler in June bc we were moving house. Otherwise they refuse to help. Fine. But they have and had circumstances that are not comparable.

It sounds like you are both honest with each other and have good open communication. I think you will go back to feeling like a team again. It sounds like this trip would not have worked with the way you are feeling right now and your MIL personality so it was probably the right call to stay home. He probably has complex and conflicted feelings around that, especially if he loves to connect with his Dad.

Yes we generally are and we communicate very well. His dad is very very sweet and very easy to be around so I understand why he wants to see him

Very good advice.

Bananashoes ? Is this nickname ? I've never heard of it before.

It’s my username?

I kept my distance. I was polite but made no additional effort and made it clear that my children and my life were mine and she had no business involving herself. I got rid of the family calendar cos she used to read it to find out what we were doing. I absolutely hated the constant intrusion and don’t miss her one bit

And what about when she wanted to see them? Mine will say she wants to see her grandson but then when she sees him won’t take him outside or change nappies or expects us to drive to see her. What do you do then?

I just stoped going to see her. Let her come to me. She has more respect when she isn’t in her own house. Also in her own house she is so occupied with her own housework it was just easier for her to focus on the kids in my house and I don’t have all the hassle of going to see her.

i actually blocked her number for years, she used to phone me up and have massively self indulgent conversations about people i didn’t know and people she barely knew. Also she is a ferocious gossip and i used to worry about what she was saying about me behind my back. She made me feel paranoid and there was no positive to be gained from these one-sided conversations, so I blocked her and then she had to contact my husband and I told him I didn’t want to hear about her.

if I met her at family events i used to skilfully avoid her, if she came over to where I was sitting I would offer her a seat and a drink… or there was always a jumper to get from the car for one of the kids. . All so I could just avoid a conversation. I used to sit down and play with the kids because you would never find her doing that.

I found as my kids got older and the role of mother became less all encompassing ie i was under less pressure I liked her more, but on my terms. In the early days I used to try and be kind to her like cook her wonderful meals or but very nice gifts. i used to get nothing positive back so I felt cheated. I suppose just with age she has become more vulnerable too.

can I ask is this woman generally unkind to everyone or is it just your family unit? Does she disapprove?

This is incredibly helpful advice. And I’m going to take every bit of it.

Our relationship with her has always been complicated. Firstly, she has always favored my husband‘s other siblings. Granted one of them has very, very high functioning Asperger‘s (we have an older daughter with it as well!) her daughter has always been a clear favorite to the point that she has a key to their properties comes and goes as she pleases. We’ve never been allowed that and point blank refused many times. The parents are buying her house and dealing with all the solicitors and estate agents, and if we are around, she shouts at my husband and expects him to do things she won’t ask the others to do, including her own husband.

She didn’t approve of our relationship (I’m divorced and brought two children, who my husband thinks of and treats as his own) and counseled my husband against it many times- so much so we decided to elope because we realized we had no family support. The first few years married in the UK were hell. I’m American as well which is another point against me. She only softened at the birth of her grandson. She has her moments of being very tender towards him. but it seems only as it benefits her. She’s very entitled to not being the babysitting grandma, but to all her friends and family she pretends that she is. She will tell us with one breath that she wants to be helpful but then it is very little, these days means I have to be present to change nappies and deal with tantrums, and she refuses to watch overnight or put him down for a nap.

In having my son, based on the stories she now tells, my husband who was first child- it sounds like she hated being HIS mother and found it all extremely overwhelming and horrible and still holds it against him. She also hates how kind and thoughtful her own husband is towards me and makes horribly rude comments about it. For instance, I am very heavily pregnant and my father-in-law will give me his seat or make me sit down or not carry things. And my mother-in-law will in a very passive aggressive way Say I was never treated so kindly so why are you treating her so nicely?

From my perspective, it’s all resentment upon resentment upon resentment built up. Her and her husband like to say they ran their home like a big four company they delegated responsibilities and those were everyone’s jobs. And still are. But as a result, my mother-in-law is extremely resentful and bitter. Especially as my husband/her son is incredibly helpful and thoughtful and kind to me. He works a full-time job, but also helps around the house and with the children-Something her husband was never allowed/expected to do. In some ways, we are the punching bag it feels. Her daughter has learned to play the game. She’s realized she can do very little and get away with it as long as she clocks and pours over my mother-in-law and keeps a glass of rosé nearby for her at all times.

Woah! Stop right there @bananashoes Have I read this correct…you are 8 months pregnant and you’ve had 2 tumbles down stairs?

If that is correct, you need to slow right down. Forget driving to see the in laws in their fancy beach house. Just stop, slow down and take it easy. Let your DH sort his own relationship with his parents.

At 8 months pregnant, falling/slipping down the stairs twice suggests that your mind is preoccupied with other stuff. Concentrate on yourself and your surroundings. Your body is telling you to slow down. Have you been dizzy these past couple of weeks?

Yes- you read that right. We just moved house and our new staircase is pitched very steep with very narrow tread and the carpet is very worn and slippery on it. Between my bump and toddler I’ve lost my balance a few times on it. The second time I fell was Friday, on my way out for my holiday weekend alone. But instead it’s been spent on and off in bed.