Attention: SAHMs, carers and housewives...

[Milliethekid]

Three years ago I left full time paid work in order to become a carer for my child as his needs became less well met in mainstream school. My husband and I work together as a team (he earns and I do everything else our home, family and children need) and he pays me a pension with his bonuses. I also pay in half of my Carers Allowance to a pension each month. Please don't start telling me I am in a precarious position as I am also a qualified teacher and if we needed me to work I feel confident I would get a position quickly.

During this time, I have been awarded carers allowance, DLA for both my children and my more severely disabled child has been moved from mainstream education into special education.

It has been such a huge shift to go from having a job, a career and identity and validation outside of the home to not having any of that. A huge learning curve that has taught me how life doesn't go to plan, how to be flexible enough to accept this and now, I am looking to thrive in my new role.

So, SAHMs/Carers/housewives....tell me how you thrive in youe role....? What do you do that makes life good for your families and for yourself?

Thanks x

I have a hobby I love that I do alone 🐎

Horse riding? I was horse mad when younger. Ive tried to take up pottery but wasn't always able to attend the same time weekly due to child's medical appointments. I agree though....a hobby for one's self is so important. Sometimes I go out so little I've felt like I am under house arrest!

I take pride in what I'm doing, and try to improve on how I do it. Particularly in ironing, this is a very rewarding mindset, lol.

Can you post what your average day looks like? It's difficult to suggest anything without knowing where you're at just now. It's no good me saying I love going for a two hour hike every day with the buggy and the sling if your DCs' disabilities make that impossible.

I really struggle with being unable to work much tbh!

Yes I definitely want to take more pride in what I am doing, that's for sure.

I've found it hard after 20 years of being a diligent employee (and people pleaser, lets be honest) to forgo all external validation in the form of appraisals, reviews, respect from colleagues and remuneration. My husband is very thankful but it's not the same.

It can be very unpredictable. I drop one child at school, then the other. Or if my oldest has any therapies or appointments I take tham to that instead....on average twice a week. They may or may not go in to school in the afternoon. On days my husband is not working from home I even find it a chalenge to walk the dog! I think I need to devise a bit of garden training and play for the dog to replace a walk on those days.

ETA: appointments not always the same days each week depending on what they are.

And yes....he could go on transport but the LA also offers to pay parents mileage onstead, which is the opetion we currently use. This is a more predictable method of going to school for my child who doesn't cope well if drivers change etc.

Make sure you and your partner get equal time off and use it - whether that’s for a hobby , a side hustle, seeing friends, exercising or doing some kind of qualification (ideally a couple of these).

I hope you don’t literally mean you do everything bar earn. He needs to chip in at weekends evenings or that is not a fair division of labour.

In your situation, I’d do some volunteer work to get out and be among other people for a bit. It’s the dream for me at the moment as I’m desperately trying to get my child into a SEN school. He’s never managed full time and can’t do mainstream at all now but all the special schools are either full or can’t meet need. It’s so isolating and I’m going insane being with him 24/7.

Not sure if this helps but you could think of it as a pre- retirement training. No validation outside the home is hard to adapt to. I've been trying to train myself to not say "I used to"....I also found the absence of timetable and priorities hard to relate to
I guess a regular commitment to a friend or a group would help. I've also been recording my successes/ achievements on my diary. We live in a very achievement orientated world as well as a consumerist one. Just remember that some of these " achievements" are hollow, you need to be upfront and mindful of your core priorities. Yesterday's spreadsheets are worthless!! Take care.

Campaigning - an individual is not going to bring about a major change like the government doubling its expenditure on SEND or Social Care or the NHS; but sometimes if a small issue bothers you (say it impacts on DC), then you can try to bring about change to that? I find usually taking the matter up with a voluntary organisation is a place to start.

If you succeed, it gives a sense of achievement and sometimes, external validation?

I’ve always worked with one child with sen and two without. But I often think he would have been better served with me being a full time carer. I would say become as expert in your children’s needs as you can and try to bring them on as much as you can. And I would agree with setting personal targets as well - might be a fitness target (10k steps a day say) or say to read 15 books in the next 12 months or to learn to cook 20 healthy meals. Whatever floats your boat but would give you a focus for the year. Maybe also even look into what money generating side hustle might fit in with your lifestyle.

Im a SAHM - DC are now 18 and 20
From the very beginning I praised my self. Told myself I was doing a good job ! DH would come home and talk about work and deals etc. I would share my victories as well - Dc being potty trained, getting out the house on time etc.
I always had some hobbies - varying one over the years.

That's so tough @SpikeGilesSandwich
I've been there in your situation and I totally understand. It is like being under house arrest. You are daily re-calibrating what your child can do v.what a typical child can do.

I'm keen to volunteer but not yet at a predictable enough place in our routine to be a reliable volunteer each week. Despite having a place in special school some days my child can't attend and attendance is still not where we'd like it to be.

I was thinking of volunteering on the IPSEA phonelines though which I do think I could do because I wouldn't let people down if I could volunteer from home.

Yes he does chip in at weekends, mowing, car cleaning....put laundry on if he is wfh or at weekends. Clear up after tea. But not much else. @theunbreakablecleopatrajones

We got in to a good routine of use both going to the gym twice a week but due to circumstances surrounding the level of care our child needed that has pretty much fallen by the wayside.

We really need to build that back in as he/we would like to come off the anti-depressants we use for coping with our situation. We both feel that regilar exercise routine will help us cope long term as well as finding more time for sex life. It isn't easy as our child needs overnight care.

I'm getting a picture that I do know how to thrive.....we just need to start implementing it...and I almost needed to "romanticise" my role to elevate it and give it worth; in my own mind.

Thank you @Dummydimmer

I agree with this. I actually often think of Mat Leave as being a little bit of retirement practice and part of the reason I think more women cope better with retirement than men...I might be wrong but this is just my observation.

You re so right re.friends and group. These things do help me
...again due to recent circumstances my usual fortnightly group activity has fallen by the wayside as have coffees with friends. Again....something I need to reinstate.

Hi, similar situation here - two children with additional needs. I was a teacher too. I think you’re further along than I am as mine are both still mainstream and one now struggling to attend. So I have no time really. I felt so shit about my life (lack of career - I loved my job as a teacher). I’ve reframed all I do now (EHCP battles, OT work with kids etc) as “work”. If I have a SEN email to send etc I say “I have some work to do”. This has helped hugely. I am also fascinated by neurodivergence and read a lot of books and listen to podcasts. Long term I plan to go back into education or helping parents or something. But I recognise now the huge amount of knowledge I have.

Bless you. You are a stronger woman than I.

I am doing my best with my two. Certainly not as well as I had envisaged when I did give up work. But probably better than I think.

Definitely going to set myself some targets...sounds really fun and motovating....a little like KPIs and going to benefit me hopefully. Im already reading at a rate of knots as it buoys up my mental health.

Im going to think about this @BlueandWhitePorcelain not sure what at the mo.

I do give blood which gives me a sense of purpose in a wider sense.

Wow...are you me from three years ago @Allthenumbers ? we have a lot of similarities.

I loved teaching too but I don't think Ill be able to go back to it. But I'm pretty sure I will be in SEN/education/parental support one way or another if I ever go back to work.

I love the way you frame what you do as "work". This mindset shift is so important and I will start doing it too x

Hi OP. I’m mostly a carer for my disabled
DD (profoundly disabled so when younger soooo many appointments and illnesses).

I now have a term time only midday assistant job, just to socialise and have some extra cash b/c carer’s allowance is not enough to do anything really.By that I mean by the time I’ve paid my phone bill (only £30 a month), filled my WAV with petrol (usually twice (£110), paid tv license, bought groceries for the evenings I cook, any gifts for family (my side) etc there’s usually a deficit.

i started painting a few years ago and found I absolutely love it. I use oils do it’s rather messy but it’s a process that takes time, I can feel immersed in and see improvements etc.

i also volunteered as a trustee (and eventually has treasurer as well) for the national charity for the condition (well one of the presumed conditions) my DC has. That had only online meetings every 2-3 months for a couple of hours and a couple of meetings in person events a year but it allowed me to fundraise etc too. So not all volunteer work had to be set weekly or for the same hours (the meetings were held on Sundays).

Reading is also a good time filler for when DC is at school, dog walked etc. that feels better than scrolling on a phone or watching tv.

Same with gardening (though that’s more frustration when weeds grow so quickly!!).

Personally I avoid anything that’s a bit like caring because it’s so endless and it’s more fun to do fun things and I find it carries me through if I do even a little of those fun things.

😂 I know! I thought lots of similarities too. I wonder if our children have similar diagnoses. Yeah I’ve accepted now I won’t go back to teaching. That role requires way more than I’ll ever be able to give but also I see as a SEN parent how much of the school system is totally wrong for ND children. I would love to have a role in changing that but that’s a fantasy at the moment.

I did start a very light volunteering role but had to stop when my youngest became unable to attend school. But if you have the time that might be something to consider.

i like the idea of setting some sort of target for myself too as this life really takes a toll on mental health. X