Have you ever given someone an ultimatum over money or debt?

[BarilynBordeaux]

Just that really - wondering how many people have had to lay down the law re spending and debt with a partner and how that went, it seems to be basically normal to have massive debt now, and im kind of shocked by how many gambling addicts crop up in Relationships.

Has anyone managed to salvage a relationship when money has been a real sticking point or is it one of those things where people will never really be able to compromise?

My sister ended her previous relationship due to gambling addiction which led to debt. She did try to stay initially but quickly realised that the trust was completely gone and she didn’t want to build a life and have kids with someone she couldn’t trust.

It would always be a deal breaker for me, even now with my husband and we have children, life is too short to have to worry, stress and micromanage another adult.

I wasn’t financial compatible with my ex. We both enjoyed spending more than we had. After a while I realised it wasn’t sustainable. I wanted to pay off the credit cards and mortgage and have savings for our future and made lots of changes but he didn’t despite us agreeing a plan, several times. Constantly racking up more debt on either day to day stuff or frivolous things we didn’t need. I was always trying to get better deals on phone contracts and energy, etc which he thought was pointless. I remembering him coming home one day with a car that he’d taken a 10k loan out for! Yes our car needed replacing but not without discussion! Money was one of the things that split us up. I look back now and know it was for the best. I have paid off my mortgage and have no debt, I don’t think that would be the case if we’d stayed together.

It sounds like you're having debt issues with your partner/DH, OP. If so I will tread carefully on this, but just to say, it depends very much on the nature of the debt, how it was amassed and how honest the person was, or whether they tried to hide the truth.

so debt due to family bills/living costs is an entirely different proposition to gambling and frivolous spending on themselves.

for the former, it's definitely something to pull together on, because they are not able to manage their money and the balance between incoming and outgoing.

if it's the latter and they are spending carelessly and/or gambling debts, I'd give them the opportunity to seek help for addiction, but my patience would run very thin if they played delay tactics, kept gambling or spending behind your back etc.

My ex was really financially abusive.
He also hid debt and money (I had no access, not even a bank account). Despite a mission to uncover why he hadn’t been paying bills, where the money was going and who/why he owed money in the end I left. It was a bad relationship for many reasons but not having any insight into our finances was a major factor in me leaving.

I have never given anyone an ultimatum over debt and in fact I wouldn't do that. The reason is because basically I don't think it would work and it wouldn't fix the problem. It's more likely they will continue to spend, but do so secretly. In a previous relationship where his spending was an issue I realised we weren't on the same page about finances so I dumped him. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Even more worrying is that you've posted on here, and sound like you arent able to broach the subject.

nor have you come back to your own thread to engage any further.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies, an interesting mix, but general consensus is what I feared - that financial incompatibility isn’t really something you can wish away.

Thanks to PP for concern as well, I’m in a safe relationship in that sense and ok - it’s a topic we’ve discussed before, but each time promises are made that aren’t kept. I do know in my heart of hearts we can’t go on.

Ooh! That's got to be difficult to see your way through

Early in our relationship DH was spendthrift, as was I to be fair. But we overdid it and I was the first to call time. We agreed to a budget, humiliatingly referred to our weekly cash allowance as pocket money and popped our cards away put of sight.

Because we were on the same page it worked. We grew up, got control of our spending and of the debt we agreed to carry, overdraft etc

Other friends weren't so lucky when they too turned put to gave a financial fantasist. There were horror stories that continued over the next 40 years. One friend is now divorcing and will have absolutely nothing other than her state pension, is living in room in a shared house and probably will be forever.

You dont have to do that. You can choose to leave him to it