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Fiance and his mates wife constantly messaging

17 replies

Summersoon2025 · 01/08/2025 05:33

Firstly let me just say I don't find this woman as a threat as in he's going to run off with her but they appear to be messaging each other a lot about nothing in particular. For context, he has known her and her husband for many years and my fiance split up from his then partner 3 years ago. I know it's her when she messages as she presses return after every sentence so his phone ping ping pings. Anyway I think it's excessive and I told him so but it carries on.. it might be 7 am or 12 midnight or any time in between and it's like he feels like he has to respond as soon as she starts messaging and it's multiple messages backwards and forwards. When I raised it the other day he said he'd not heard from her for a bit as she'd been away. But then went on to say she?'d messaged to apologise for "being quiet" (ie away) but in the next breath he said she'd sent him some photos of her holiday. It's driving me mad and to the point I really dont like her. The first thing she said when I met her was what has he (my hubby to be) told you about me? There is going to be a time when he's going to suggest that we go and stay with them.or they come to us but how do I say no without sounding petty? Or am i being petty? Like I say, I don't for one minute think he sees her that way but not sure about her. I'd be interested to know anyone else's thoughts on this.

OP posts:
Tiredofme · 01/08/2025 06:45

What on earth does his friend think about his wife and your fiancé's relationship?

Personally I wouldn't marry him because he is too involved with her at least on an emotional level - it's already a problem for you. And unless he also breaks off his friendship with his pal she is going to be in your lives long term.
I'd find some one else who didn't come with a ready made problem.

sorrynotathome · 01/08/2025 06:47

Bright red flag. Run away.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 01/08/2025 06:56

The first thing she said when I met her was what has he (my hubby to be) told you about me?

He might not be into her, but I bet he loves the attention, but she is totally into him. I would not marry him with her in the equation.

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Beachwaves45 · 01/08/2025 07:00

It boils down to either they're already having an affair or they're going to have an affair before long I'm afraid.
There's no other reason for them to be messaging each other, and you should save yourself heartache down the line and find someone who actually loves and respects you.

Coconutter24 · 01/08/2025 07:05

How does he know her and her husband? Sounds like he’s been friends for years with them. Have the messages always been a thing during your relationship or are they a new thing?

Sandyoldelbows · 01/08/2025 07:09

Er, not ok. What does her dh think? I would suggest not marrying him. Can you discuss it? If you ask him to stop will he just carry on secretly? Does he know you don’t like it?

londongirl12 · 01/08/2025 07:12

Have you seen the messages? This is not ok behaviour, I’m sure he wouldn’t be ok with it if it was the other way round.

Untailored · 01/08/2025 07:15

Side note but I really hate people who send messages one sentence at a time

Steelworks · 01/08/2025 07:15

She’s the third person in your relationship. Does he respond mid-meal, whilst watching tv, and/or interrupt what he’s doing to reply? If so, that’s rude and he’s prioritising her over you. Can you explain this to him.

If his actions don’t change, you shouldn’t marry him. She’s always going to be the other woman, and have some control in your life. You already resent her.

Laughlikeadrain · 01/08/2025 07:21

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 01/08/2025 06:56

The first thing she said when I met her was what has he (my hubby to be) told you about me?

He might not be into her, but I bet he loves the attention, but she is totally into him. I would not marry him with her in the equation.

A friend saying ‘X has told me all about you’ is pretty standard phrase when being introduced to someone significant in another friend’s life. It means he has been talking about you in a positive way.

I Don’t think her saying that is a problem.

the messaging is a bit odd though. Unless they’ve been friends for years?

MyAcornWood · 01/08/2025 07:27

Is this not sailing very close to an emotional affair? Guarantee he’s not messaging any of his male friends so often, and certainly none of them would be apologising for ‘being quiet’ (not messaging quite so much as she was away with her husband 🤔)
ETA also, it sounds terribly sexist, but I’ve never known a man to put that much effort and time into communicating with a woman on a purely platonic basis. I’ve lots of male friends and we communicate plenty but not as obsessively as this sounds.

healthybychristmas · 01/08/2025 07:50

I wouldn't stay with him. Absolutely no way.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 02/08/2025 07:44

Laughlikeadrain · 01/08/2025 07:21

A friend saying ‘X has told me all about you’ is pretty standard phrase when being introduced to someone significant in another friend’s life. It means he has been talking about you in a positive way.

I Don’t think her saying that is a problem.

the messaging is a bit odd though. Unless they’ve been friends for years?

That's isn't what was said. This woman asked OP is she knew about her. A very different dynamic.

Summersoon2025 · 08/08/2025 07:17

Thanks everyone. I brought it up again and he said he'd realised how I was feeling about it and has backed off. He said he doesn't want me to feel bad about her but acknowledged that she does go overboard sometimes with multiple messages. He says she messages 2 other friends in the group a lot as well (although without him seeing the volume she sends them how can he compare and contrast?). He said he accepted that it was invasive and said the most recent messages are relating to us 4 getting together for a weekend. I said I didn't want to spend any extended period of time in her company, that she has made a very bad impression of herself on me. He reiterated that the messages were just innocent and chatty and that I was welcome to read them. Stupidly I declined but now I'm.wishing I had because I still can't seem to get it out of my head.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 08/08/2025 07:45

Tell him on reflection you would like to have access to the messages and read back through them for a number of weeks.

It’s just too much isn’t it I would feel off about it and I’m the least bothered type usually.

SparklyGlitterballs · 08/08/2025 07:54

When is the wedding? I wouldn't get married to this man until he can show you he is able to prioritise your feelings and put firm boundaries in place. He may improve and then gradually go back to how things were. Don't be in a hurry to tie yourself to him.

rainbowstardrops · 08/08/2025 08:15

I wouldn’t be happy about this at all and although he’s said he’ll rein it in a bit, he hasn’t acknowledged how you’re actually feeling and saying he’ll stop completely. I’m with the others, I’d be putting any wedding plans on hold.

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