Feeling isolated and overwhelmed? Is it worth moving for support

[Honeyxox]

I’ve just had my first baby and I’m really struggling. I have two large dogs — one of them needs urgent training and structure again after a trainer gave me bad advice a while back. She was doing really well with socialisation and training, but I was told to stop interacting her with other dogs and it caused a major setback. Then I fell pregnant, and my partner took over the walks but didn’t do any training, so everything we built basically fell apart.

Now I have a newborn, one very reactive and strong dog that pulls on the lead and barks at everything, and another rescue who also gets overstimulated. I’m finding it almost impossible to manage them both and care for the baby properly. I barely leave the house some days.

To make it harder, I don’t have a support network of my own. My mum and other family members either don’t have the time, don’t want to help, or just don’t check in. My family fell apart years ago and I’ve kind of just got used to doing things on my own — but now, with a baby, it feels like I’m drowning. I do have a few friends but they’re not nearby anymore, and I feel completely isolated.

My partner’s family are lovely and involved, but they live 5 hours away so can’t be here physically often. My partner has a stable job where we live now (South Devon), and I’m due to start my own business soon — but I don’t know how I’ll juggle everything in this state.

I think I might be suffering from postnatal depression — I feel low, emotional, overwhelmed, and guilty that I’m not coping better. I cry a lot and feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t even know what direction to go in — whether to try and rebuild things here or move somewhere else for more practical support (if that even exists).

Wouldn't rehoming the dogs be a better first step?

I know that some will be outraged but I think the needs of the baby should come first and this should be an option.

The dogs are okay at home it’s just external, my partner walks them and they are okay with him just one of them isn’t with me she pulls like crazy

I completely agree that my baby’s needs come first, which is exactly why I’m reaching out for advice and support before things reach a breaking point. I just want to be really clear: I don’t want to rehome my dogs. They’re a big part of our family, and I took them on with that commitment in mind.

That said, I’m not ignoring the challenges. One of my dogs needs retraining after some poor advice from a previous trainer, and I’m now actively looking for the right professional help to address her behaviour and make sure she’s safe and manageable around the baby.

This whole situation has been a huge adjustment new baby, no personal support network, reactive dogs and I’m just trying to find a way through it that’s safe and sustainable for everyone.

I really do appreciate the perspectives, even when they’re tough to hear.

But it's another source of stress, plus walking with a big, reactive dog, an overstimulated dog, and a small baby doesn't sound safe. Having two big, strong dogs, one of whom is poorly trained, in a house with a small baby doesn't sound that safe. You say yourself you're finding it impossible to manage both and care properly for the baby as things are, and your partner doesn't sound like much help. And that's even before you start your business.

I mean, if you move 'for practical support', where would you move to?

ETA I appreciate you don't want to rehome your dogs, but the status quo isn't working.

Before you make a massive decision about moving I’d suggest you talk to your GP and HV about how you are feeling and get some support with your MH. Then ask your HV for information and advice about baby groups and other ways of building a new network of support.

Having a baby is actually a good way of meeting new people although you might have to travel a bit depending on how rural you are.

If you are starting a new business you’ll need childcare presumably? That may also add some interest and structure into your day.

If you still feel the same way in several months after trying these things then perhaps you could consider moving. However it could be that all that interest will be diminished when you are local rather than 5 hours away.

Just to clarify — my baby is and always will be my top priority. I didn’t mean I can’t care for him — I meant that managing both a newborn and two reactive dogs on my own has become incredibly difficult, which is why I’m reaching out now to get support and professional training in place before it becomes unsafe or overwhelming.

It might seem easy to some people to just “get rid of the dogs,” but I don’t see them as disposable. They’re part of my family and I made a commitment to them. That doesn’t mean I’m ignoring the challenges — quite the opposite. I’m actively trying to fix things so the environment is safe and manageable for everyone, especially my baby.

I genuinely appreciate different opinions, even the hard ones, but I also think it’s important to acknowledge that some of us are doing the absolute best we can in really difficult circumstances

Are the dogs preventing you from getting out to groups and meetings other new parents? I know people slate NCT on here but meet ups with new friends made at antenatal class were a lifeline to me. And the Surestart and church hall groups gave my week some structure and saved my sanity. I didn’t have any friends with kids, DH was full time uni student plus working every weekend. Getting out and meeting people really helped me. I probably had PND.