Very slow stalker - or is it nothing?

[Tempnamefortoday]

I have an ex (brief work fling) from almost 20 years ago, who got stalkerish after I ended things.

Today he reared up again and it's given me the creeps. This has happened sporadically over the years - he'll find a way to get through and I will block. Then it happens again, although after a long gap.

Immediately after our short 'thing' he became quite nasty and started to scare me a bit. I remember half joking to a friend that if I turned up in a bin bag in the river, it would have been his doing.

He didn't physically hurt or threaten me - just refused to leave me alone. I felt like he had a sense of entitlement to a relationship.

Quick synopsis of his behaviour then: kept texting and calling (a lot) after promising to stop. Sent insulting messages calling me a slut when I got together with my DP. Repeatedly turned up at my flat at night uninvited and even after promising to stop.

This stuff ended when I moved to a different area, changed my phone number and changed jobs.

About 5 yrs after that, I set up an account on FB. Didn't use it much. Went on FB one day to find a message from him, asking to get back in touch and be friends. I ignored and blocked.

Fast forward another 5 years or so. I've forgotten all about it and there he is on my Linkedin. Worked out how to block individual ppl from looking at that profile so he can no longer see me or contact.

Then today he pops up again. This time a long, long text message saying he's been asking around for my number, thinks of me a lot, wants to be friends, please don't block him etc. Obviously someone somewhere has passed on my number (we work in the same industry, so he could have persuaded someone it was a legitimate work type thing.)

The thing is, I know if he saw me now he'd go off the whole thing and just drop it. I am not the 30 year old he has in his head.

But I literally don't want to ever see him. I want him to leave me alone. I don't want to have to see him and demonstrate how unfanciable I now am. The mere thought of him gives me the creeps.

A bit of me thinks he'll never drop it, that he'll find out where we live (it wouldn't be that hard, loads of mutual business acquaintances) and start coming here on holiday (it's one of those places).

Am I being pathetic? Should I do anything? I've deleted the message and blocked his number. We're not on the public electoral register and my Linkedin implies I live elsewhere.

That's very creepy and I understand why you're unnerved. I'm sure more knowledgeable MN-ers will comment soon re police or citizen's advice. I'd want to alert someone to his behaviour. I'm not sure how easy it is to get a restraining order or whether that is overkill. I think his persistence is a bit scary.

I'm not knowledgeable but id say you need to contact the police.

I agree you need to contact the police OP.

The amount of time this has been going on and the lengths he’s gone to in order to contact you is worrying.

Police, OP. That’s concerning.

You can contact the National Stalking helpline
https://www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/national-stalking-helpline

I'm not surprised you're freaked out. I would be too. I agree with PPs. He hasn't committed a crime but his persistence is disturbing. Contact the police.

I'd be creeped out too, 20 years is a long time for him to keep track of you.

I see someone has already posted a link to the National Stalking Helpline who should be able to advise you what to do.

You are already doing the most important thing which is blocking without responding. Stalkers will take any attention as encouragement so not responding is the way to go.
I would keep a record of his attempts to contact you and any sightings of him in unexpected places. Make sure your household security is up to scratch and get a security camera if it would make you feel better.

I hate it when people think it's fine to give out your number just because someone asks. I really wish we could create a culture of telling the person asking for a phone number that we'll take theirs and pass it into the person they want to speak to with a message that they are trying to get in touch, it would be so much safer.

I have a specialism in supporting stalking victims.

While you could report to the police, it is unlikely they will do anything as the gap between incidents is too long. There are no hard and fast rules, but loosely the CPS (and therefore police) consider a gap of more than six months a broken course of conduct, therefore wouldn't consider the incidents together. I would never want to put someone off reporting altogether though, just in case he has form for this sort of thing and has something like a Stalking Protection Order in place.

I don't necessarily think it implies in your case as the gaps are so far between, but in general I would always recommend not necessarily blocking and deleting evidence. Stalkers who are blocked are more likely to turn up in person (therefore increasing risk to you) so if you think there is a chance he knows where you are, it might not be safe. It also interferes with evidence collection. It doesn't sound as if he's tried to do this though so you might not need to worry about it.

The best thing to do is to keep a log of all contact attempts and what impact it is having on you. That way if it continues or escalates, you can demonstrate to police that there's been a course of conduct. Also, never respond to his messages so it is clear that the contact is one way only.