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I'm posting here so as not to do anything rash

15 replies

Tabletfull · 30/07/2025 15:50

But I really don't know what to do for the best.

A male friend has been confiding in me for a few years that he's not happy in his marriage. He liked and respected his wife, which was always clear in the way he spoke of her, but was frustrated by the way she never wanted to go anywhere or do anyhting as they got older. I didn't really have a response and TBH tried to change the subject as much as possible. It wasn't something he did often btw, just once in a while.

Then, after too many drinks, he blurted out that he's in love with me. I told him to stop being ridiculous and walked off. It's never been mentioned since. I've seen him fairly regularly since but never alone.

I've just heard his wife has died. He's been a friend for a lot of years, the normal thing I'd do is to go round, give him a hug, make a cup of tea and see what practical help he needs. This is exactly what I did when another friend's DH died recently.

But, what to do in this situation?

I'm married and don't feel the same way, even if I wasn't, which is irrelevant when his wife has just died anyway.

OP posts:
LivingTheDreamOneNightmareAtATime · 30/07/2025 15:53

Offer your condolences as you ordinarily would, but then stick to seeing him with other people?

Rallentanda · 30/07/2025 15:59

I would be worried that in an very emotionally vulnerable situation like this, he's going to mistake any normal kindness from you as some sort of sign.

Could be totally wrong, I don't know him. But I would worry about it and probably would stick to condolences from afar.

CoastalCalm · 30/07/2025 16:01

I’d go round with a card but make sure my husband is there with me - drop in on the way past kind of scenario

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Lurkingandlearning · 30/07/2025 16:02

I agree with @Rallentanda

Comedycook · 30/07/2025 16:03

Send him a condolence card signed from both you and your husband. I wouldn't go round

thisoldcity · 30/07/2025 16:06

@Rallentanda is spot on. It will do him no good at all to see you at this point as his emotions will be all over the place. Condolences from afar, definitely. You've done nothing wrong here, it was him that made your friendship awkward.

NameChangedOfc · 30/07/2025 16:08

If you consider going, bring your DH with you. If/when writing a condolence card, sign it both you and your DH.

ruethewhirl · 30/07/2025 16:09

Send condolences, but don't see him alone.

HiRen · 30/07/2025 16:15

He forfeited any right he had to closeness and warmth from you, when he (a married man) told you (a married man) what he did.

Send a card in the post. Move on.

Laiste · 30/07/2025 16:24

Yep all good advice above.

Out of interest did you tell your DH what the man said?

Tabletfull · 30/07/2025 16:28

Laiste · 30/07/2025 16:24

Yep all good advice above.

Out of interest did you tell your DH what the man said?

Edited

Yes, he laughed it off as a daft drunk.

DH has been happy for me to see him since - he knows him too and sometimes we'll all be out together, sometimes just one of us with other friends. "Before" very occasionally it would have been just me and friend, but I haven't done that since..

OP posts:
HenDoNot · 30/07/2025 16:29

I don’t think I could be around him acting the grieving widower, when he’s been building up to trying it on with you for a few years. So now what - you’re supposed to forget that that he’s been whining that he’s not been happy with her for years?

Post a card, signed from both you and your husband.

justasking111 · 30/07/2025 16:31

Comedycook · 30/07/2025 16:03

Send him a condolence card signed from both you and your husband. I wouldn't go round

This is the best course of action

fluffiphlox · 30/07/2025 16:33

A card through the post from you and your husband is enough. Frankly, he sounds like a creep.

Limonades · 30/07/2025 16:50

A card signed by both your husband and yourself sent by post!

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