Is this the start to the end?

[AML1103]

I know my fiance of 3 years doesn’t love me anymore but he won’t admit it.
we have an 8 month old child together and it all changed when I fell pregnant.
these are the things that go round my head daily.
background of him: He has severe ADHD and can be triggered by the smallest of things. He suffers with severe anxiety and is quite shy in person and overthinks everything he says or does. He cares a lot about what people think of him and is constantly questioning if he has done or said the right things and can play on his mind for ages. He has previously been branded as controlling and albeit, at the beginning of our relationship, I honestly thought he was but it turns out that he just didn’t trust anyone and he had to learn to trust to let go of his own insecurities because now he is as calm as anything and has done a complete 360 when it comes to his anxiety over our relationship.
pros:

• he’s always home and does tend to put us 1st when it comes to spending too much time away from the family.
• he is a good dad and helps with our son as much as he can
• he works very hard to provide for us
• everyone around us tells me he loves me more than anything and that they can see it in him because he’s changed so much as a person and is a lot happier.
• he constantly tells me he loves me.
• he always asks me to show him more affection. (I struggle with this due to the cons below)
• he always does small gestures to show me he thinks of me, for example he will run me a bath after a long day or make me my favourite bowl of fruit for when I come down after putting the baby to bed or even just getting me my favourite drink from the shop.

cons

• he is selfish in bed. Never wants to have sex but always wants me to do oral to him. He makes it very obvious aswell that he is not enjoying our sex and would happily never have sex again if I kept giving him oral whenever he asked for it which is daily.
• he is ALWAYS on his phone when he is at home. It’s hard to have a conversation with him because he is so engrossed on TikTok or texting his mates.
• when I raised the phone situation to him he said that nothing I ever talk about is interesting.
• he tried deleting me off his instagram bio without me noticing when he uploaded his first picture of him and our son and I swear it was so he could come across single..when confronted he said he deleted it by accident and I’ve also found him following girls on instagram too.
• he went on a lads holiday 2 months ago for 3 nights and didn’t text once to see how me and his son was.
• he constantly checks out other women on TV or when we are out but also winds me up about it too.
• when I raise these things with him, he says I’m mad and that he loves me more than anything and would do anything for me and that I overthinking everything plus he likes to then remind me of all the things he has done for me like stop going out so much with the boys or if he does go out then he’s home before 12pm or that he once took a 20k loan out for me when my business was struggling etc etc and continues to make me think I’m crazy.
• he constantly snaps at me and can call me names but then 2 seconds later act like nothing happened.
• he is so hot and cold with his moods, one minute he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him and then the next he looks so depressed that it gives me anxiety wondering what he is thinking.
• He very rarely compliments me and he says it’s because I never appreciate them which is bullshit because I even told him at the very beginning that i feel weird receiving compliments because I’ve never really had them.
• he has said things in the past like “i should have left at the start” or winds me up saying it’s been the longest 3 years of his life and what he would give to go back to being 20 again..

anytime I raise anything which is often at the moment because I can’t stop thinking about it, he tells me he winds me up and that he’s just trying to get a reaction. He’s getting very fed up of the conversations surrounding our relationship and to be honest, so am I. He eventually does apologise and says he will do better but I never really see a major change if I’m completely honest. He’s still always on his phone, he will initiate sex and enjoy it 1 to 2 times after me bringing it up but then inevitably ends up going straight back to the way it was. im worried that I am now not helping the situation because I am so cold and distant. I am finding it hard to be happy and trust that he loves me, I find it hard to show him affection because I don’t feel loved by him. Is this the start to the end?

Any of those cons alone are reason enough to end it

@Shoxfordian Its easier said than done because whenever I have gone to break up with him before, he cries, he begs, he tells me I’m his everything and that he is so sorry.

I can excuse a lot of the way he is because of his adhd, for example, snapping at me and calling me names, he doesn’t just speak to me like that, he speaks to everyone in his life like that because he’s so impulsive and doesn’t think before he opens his mouth but does tend to realise pretty quickly and will sometimes instantly apologise, it’s just that when we’re having a heated discussion, he can be quite nasty.

I have done a lot of research on adhd and it’s hard because adhd almost explains exactly why he is the way he is and half of me believes that he doesn’t want to be that way but then the other half of me thinks he just doesn’t love me at all

So, do you want to spend the rest of your life being this person's body slave? He's not a child, he's an adult who is very good at getting what he wants.

Adhd isn't an excuse to be rude or dismissive of you or anyone else. He should be working on strategies to manage his behaviour not just excusing it through his Adhd.

Its easier said than done because whenever I have gone to break up with him before, he cries, he begs, he tells me I’m his everything and that he is so sorry.

So? That doesn't mean it's difficult. Don't prolong this relationship based on the bullshit he says. He is showing you through his behaviour that you are very much NOT his everything.

And it's absolute nonsense that having ADHD makes you behave like an arsehole to your partner. It certainly doesn't make you follow women on Instagram, or check them out in real life. If he were even sorry about that, why would he wind you up about it?

This man is playing you for a fool. Even if it were because of his ADHD (it isn't), you surely must realise that wouldn't mean you should stay with him and put up with a partner who behaves like this?

whenever I have gone to break up with him before, he cries, he begs, he tells me I’m his everything and that he is so sorry.
but if he was sorry he’d stop or change?

I can excuse a lot of the way he is because of his adhd, for example, snapping at me and calling me names,
but calling people names isn’t a symptom of adhd. Neither is following women on Instagram.
I assume if you’re going to give him a ‘pass’ for this it’s because he’s correctly medicated and takes his med and he’s doing therapy for adhd, and exercises that will help him manage the symptoms? Or does he just lash out at you and blame adhd?

let’s say it is all because of adhd and he really can’t help it, does that mean you have to put up with being treated that way?

He doesn’t blame his adhd. I do. He says I trigger him because of the way I ask certain things. For example - “can you do the bottles tonight cause I have done them the last 5 night?” He hates the fact that I add on the fact I have done them the last 5 nights, he says it angers him and he doesn’t understand why I don’t just ask him if he can do the bottles.

my reason for this is because, there has been soooooo many occasions where I have asked him to do things and it’s ALWAYS a chore to him. Even if he does it, he makes it very obvious he doesn’t want too. He’s not interested in the house, or doing anything around it except washing up. He would much rather lie on the sofa and scroll TikTok for 3 hours and then complain that he is bored.

he has in the past said that he is the way he is because of how I am with him, he says I’m nasty when i have not once called him a name or even raised my voice, I just say sarky comments from time to time to let him know that I am pissed off with him. for example: bet you can’t wait to go out this weekend and pretend your 20 again….

he then flips and says I’m starting and that I’m so negative and draining

but what he doesn’t understand is that it’s resentment, I’m hurting and I can’t let go of it

You can choose to end this.

Do you want your child being snapped at and called names?

Its easier said than done because whenever I have gone to break up with him before, he cries, he begs, he tells me I’m his everything and that he is so sorry.

So what? I’m sure he does cry and beg because he’s having a lovely life. He has a lovely family and a partner that picks up all the stuff he’s dropped so he can go out with his mates and pretend to be single. Why would he willingly give up that life? That doesn’t mean that he gets to force you to put up with it.

End this relationship and if he says that he’s sorry and he can’t live without you, etc, then tell him you’re glad he’s willing to put the work in to make some real changes, and to let you know when he’s done the work and is good enough to be your partner and if you haven’t moved on, you’ll be willing to consider giving him another chance.

There is nothing healthy about this relationship at all.

Do your son a favour and leave before he learns to model behaviour in relationships based on this one - both yours and his fathers.

So basically he's awful and it's your fault and you make him like that. But he doesn't want to leave, he loves you more than anything and he's so sorry...?

Those two statements cannot possibly both be true at the same time. It sounds to me as though it's convenient for him to blame you (I mean, who is ever going to stand up and say 'yep, it's all me, I'm shit and I behave dreadfully'?) and to carry on doing what he's doing because you forgive him when he turns on the waterworks.

I have ADHD. I don't behave anything like this. I'm perfectly able to understand that I need to treat the people I love with care and respect. This guy is just being a tosser.

Although the pros are nice they are small and easy. They don’t outweigh the cons. The bottom line is the relationship doesn’t make you happy. Even if the reason is his ADHD that is not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. Many people with ADHD can manage it without treating people the way he does. It takes effort and it seems he is not prepared to do that. I think if he loved you he would.

You are excusing him by putting a label on him and that gives him carte blanche. Forget about the label, just think does he make me happy, Sounds like no. Is this how I want to spend my life, also a no. Do we love each other, well you seem not to love him (any more) and you don't think he loves you (any more). The only thing keeping you together seems to be his dependency on, or avowed love of you. You don't even get on sexually.

He doesn’t blame his adhd. I do.
ohh so it’s not the adhd. It’s you. Still not his problem though I guess. None of it at all is his problem and he has no responsibility or interest in improving anything or being a partner.

He hates the fact that I add on the fact I have done them the last 5 nights, he says it angers him and he doesn’t understand why I don’t just ask him if he can do the bottles.
has he considered simply doing the bottles without needing to be asked.

honestly op, with kindness, no one here can tell you how to fix this because you can’t fix it alone.
You can only work on your relationship if you both want to and he clearly doesn’t.

Adhd or not, he is gas ligting you.

There's a lot to unpack - some might be typical adhd traits like poor response inhibition but typically there would be remorse about having hurt your feelings if that were the case. There's too many red flags. The fact you've had to write out a pros and cons list shows that your head is conflicted, but think your instincts are telling you what you need to know.

My instincts are screaming at me every single day but then he will say or do nice things and then I’m completely confused. For example, yesterday he come home from work and I said “did you have a nice day” and he said “yeah, all the better for coming home to my beautiful wife to be and son”

sorry for the graphics in the next bit….

i could feel myself being weird with him all evening and he kept asking me to cuddle him and eventually asked me if I love him which i responded yes because i wasn’t ready to have the conversation.

when he got home from work, the baby was asleep and he tried having sex with me straight away, I was in the middle of cooking, in my gym clothes and he had just finished a full day at work. I said no, and he said “oh you’re rejecting me now?” Part of me think he knows I would have said no and that’s why he did it, he wants to pretend I’m the one with the problem and not him.

it happened again after our showers, we were on the sofa watching tv and he put his hands down my pants but the curtains were open, so I said stop it, the curtains are open.. he then said “rejected me twice now” and started doing this stupid sniffle he does when he throws his dummy out the pram.

we then get into bed and albeit that this was immature of me but he said “your turn to ride me tonight” and in the past he has said he doesn’t like having sex in bed because as soon as he gets into bed he’s knackered and wants to go sleep. So when he said that, I responded with “I don’t like having sex in bed because I’m tired” he didn’t say anything and rolled over.

about 6 months ago, we were watching something on tv and it was all relevant to what I asked him but I said name 3 things you love about me, and he actually couldn’t even name 1. I think that was the day it all changed for me, every single little thing then became a problem because I actually couldn’t believe it.

when I raised this to him. He says it was because he was on the spot and couldn’t think of anything in that moment, but then told me 3 things he loves about me once he had about an hour to think about it.

stupid really, the signs are all there and I’m just letting it happen

My instincts are screaming at me every single day but then he will say or do nice things and then I’m completely confused. For example, yesterday he come home from work and I said “did you have a nice day” and he said “yeah, all the better for coming home to my beautiful wife to be and son”

How easy was it for him to say that? How much effort did he have to make? How much consideration did he have to give to it? The answer is fuck all. It’s not even a thoughtful compliment, it’s the sort of generic bollocks you’d hear in a cheesy film. It could be adapted to fit anyone. He’s all the better for seeing his favourite colleagues or auntie or neighbour. He’s giving you the odd scrap of niceness and then you’re clinging onto that as proof that he really is the decent man you hoped he was, and all the rest of the time, when he’s being an arsehole, that’s not the real him. Well it is the real him. The real him is an arsehole and he’s making you miserable.

@WilfredsPies i get what you are saying! Last night we had a chat and I got really upset because all week he has been really nice to me, trying to connect with me and I’ve been super cold with him.

he has gone out with friends today on a stag do and I’ve been super nervous about him going. Not because I’m worried that he will cheat because I actually don’t think he would but I just worry that he enjoys it a bit too much and what I offer him will never meet that high. especially because he has adhd and dopamine is everything to him, our every day life isn’t that exciting and he seems bored half the time but gets very excited about going out.

anyway, I think he knew what I was getting at. Without me saying anything he ran me bath, poured me a glass of Prosecco and told me to go relax. Whilst I was in the bath he uploaded a post of me to instagram saying “what a women” when I come back down he said that he has realised what I have been saying. He said he sat and thought about if the shoe was on the other foot and he would feel like I’m hiding him or keeping options open. He reassured me that it’s not what he is doing and that he doesn’t know why it’s got like that.

deep down, I do think that is exactly what he has been doing but he’s now apologised and said that he’s realised it’s wrong and has obviously made an attempt to try make me feel better. It did make me feel better, however I sit and wonder if that’s really him and actually he just wants the best of both worlds.

he’s basically admitted it but then tried to fix it. What do I do?

all week he has been really nice to me, trying to connect with me and I’ve been super cold with him Do you think the two are possibly connected? You’ve been cold with him, which has made him realise that he’s pushed you a bit too far and he’d better be nice to you for a while until you’re back to normal, and then he can go back to normal. The only thing this shows is that he’s capable of being nice to you and wanting to connect with you, but he isn’t bothering to do those things until he thinks he’s in danger of losing you. He’s fulfilling your needs only when there’s something in it for him.

Running you a bath, pouring you a glass of something and putting a post on social media is nothing. Nothing at all. It has no thought or effort behind it. He has literally given you a couple of turns of his wrist and made a generic gesture and there’s something in it for him (ie, you go back to normal and keep accepting his behaviour). Please don’t give him credit for this. It’s just another scrap of niceness that he’s giving you so that he can carry on behaving the way he wants.

he’s basically admitted it but then tried to fix it Has he? Or has he said what you need to hear to continue accepting his behaviour? And what exactly has he done to fix it? I mean, he’s said the words and he’s run you a bath. But lack of baths isn’t your problem. The problem is the way he’s treating you. What has he done to address that? Has he told you that, with immediate effect, he’s going to start doing his fair share? Has he told you that he’s not going to spend his evenings ignoring you while he scrolls on Tik Tok? Has he contacted his friend and said ‘mate, I’m really sorry but I can’t come on this stag do, my relationship is in trouble and I need to put the time in to fix it’? What is he planning on doing to improve the way he treats you? Because all I can see he’s said is that if you treated him half as badly as he treats you, he wouldn’t like it. How is that trying to fix it? And he hasn’t even addressed half of his behaviour.

What do I do? I think you need to start looking at his attempts to ‘fix’ things and see them for what they really are. Once you stop seeing them as attempts to fix and start seeing them as attempts to shut you up and keep accepting it, the scales will fall from your eyes and you’ll be ready to tell him to fuck right off. I do understand what it’s like to cling on to a tiny little nice thing and put that right at the front of your mind, so that it blocks out all of the horrible things, simply because you really want it to work. Having come out the other side and married a man who is nice to me all the time, who makes me feel like he values me and enjoys my company, who does nice things when there’s absolutely nothing in it for him, who does more than his share of housework and who runs round after me like nobody’s business (I’m ill, not lazy) I can see exactly what you need to do to be happy. But it has to come from you, otherwise he’ll cry, tell you he’s nothing without you and you’ll fall for it.

If you’re 95% unhappy with the way he’s treating you, but are using that 5% of niceness you get from him to block it out so you can stay together, how do you think you’ll feel when you’re in your 90s and looking back on your life and things you wished you’d done differently? Do you think you’ll regret not taking steps so you’re happy 95% of the time?

Also, for someone who is so concerned about what people think of him, he doesn’t seem to care much what you think of him.

Yuck he is gross dump him