How can I kindly say I’m not interested in being friends.

[SoftAsShit]

Long story short, I started a new job 3 months let’s say it’s a care home for children and there’s only one other girl in my department.

There’s quite a lot I could go over context wise but it’s hard to do that without being really outing. But anyway; I’ve had to report her at work because her behaviour around the kids is alarming, I think it’s due to her having some trauma issues (she’s spoken about) and it’s made her quite immature for her age.

But that’s besides the point; she is pretty relentlessly asking to be friend side of work, it’s getting really pushy and at first I was vague and said I’d have to see, I’m busy have lots on ect to try and brush it off. But it’s becoming a thing where she’s texting me at 3am asking to arrange days out together ect.

We have two extremely different personalities; and although she’s theoretically nice enough.. I just don’t want a friendship outside of work.. I’m happy to be colleagues, she does make my job harder but we all have those people 🤣

I’m getting quite anxious and stressed about being asked everyday to go and do something with her and I feel like I need to put on my big girl pants and just tell her I’m not interested in striking a friendship outside of work.. but how do I do that without coming across as a total cow? I obviously don’t want there to be any hurt feelings; and given she has past trauma I don’t want to upset her in a way that might trigger her in any way. But I also get absolutely terrified she’s going to just turn up at my door one day.. because she has a really skewed sense of boundaries.

Speak to her manager. Her lack of insight / boundaries is an issue in relation to your work.

I have already mentioned the work related issues to our manager. I’m just stuck on how to navigate the issues that are unrelated to work now. I feel like that’s not something they could/should/would deal with for me lol

"Sorry x i need to be upfront. Youre really nice and perhaps if we'd met outside of work we might have been mates (even if this is a bit of a white lie, to soften the blow) but I've had issues blurring the lines between colleagues and friends (or between work and home) before so now it's very important to me to keep that boundary separate between the two. I like having our chats in work but it's important for my mental health to not mix work and home."

Basically pretend its nothing to do with her specifically, but you'd be the same with any other colleague. She might still be disappointed but she can't really argue with it. If anything I imagine a manager would support that if she raised it with them.

Can you just tell her you have a busy schedule and wait until she gets the message? In my younger days I was quite forward and told a girl that I didn't want to befriend her and it makes me feel horrible even now.

I really like this as a response! It’s being brave enough to send it 🤣 I keep thinking the next time I see her is going to be really awkward 😭

I’d just say I don’t like to mix work with my social life

It is work related though. She has a lack of boundaries with colleagues and is being overly intrusive to the point that you are uncomfortable coming to work because she will harass you again. If she was a male member of staff texting you at 3am wanting to arrange to see you outside work you would not have the same hesitation.
She needs to be spoken to by her line manager about work/ personal boundaries. She sounds like quite a vulnerable person and it may be worth your manager exploring if she needs additional support / Occupational Health.

I don't mix work and home, blurs boundaries especially if you or colleague gets promotion.

Would just put it that way, makes it less "I don't like you as a person", more work/home boundary setting.

I would block her number then she can’t bother you on your phone. No need to say anything and put yourself in an awkward situation that you don’t want to be in. It’s not your fault she can’t read social cues and pushes the boundaries.

If she asks you directly at work just say ‘aww I’ve got plans’ no explanations, just cut it off. She’ll get the hint soon enough and if she doesn’t then just keep repeating ‘aww I’ve got plans’

Off topic but how did she get your number? I always refuse to use a personal number at work and join work WhatsApp group. I used to get stressed and feel obliged to reply out of work.

Is she entitled to have your personal number?
If not, just block her.
Speak to your line manager.. reiterate that your keep work and private life separate at all times.

I'd be brief, "I don't want to meet up outside of work". Say politely and use as required, ensure you shake your head and make eye contact so your body language isn't confusing.

Hi x, thanks for the offer but I think it is more professional to keep our work-life and social lives separate. Nothing personal.

In the past I've used the phrase: I can't cope.

People who have had past trauma often understand not being able to cope. I'd just say, 'We get on at work, but I can't cope with new friendships outside work. I have too much on my plate right now. I can't cope with planning days out or gettinng texts at 3am. It's too much for me.'

I would do this. If you go into too much waffle she will latch onto some aspects of your argument and try to change your mind. The above response is short, simple and allows for no argument.

Tell her NOT to contact you at 3am! Who, in their right mind, sends a text to someone at that time? Tell her you haven't got a lot of spare time/spend time with family/see your own friends.

Just tell her you keep work and private life completely separate and always will.

I’ve done it a couple of times. Yes it gets their backs up, but nothing they can do about it.

Her lack of social awareness makes me think she has more than trauma going on, I’ve had similar. You have to be firm with these people because they just don’t get hints, or they do but they don’t care. I had to mute notifications

Its your/her managers problem too.
Her social contact is only becuse she met you at work.
She would not have your contact details if not via work ao your manager needs to explain why she should not be contacting you a 3am.

And if you want to be diplomatic go with "I have a lot going on in my life right now and would prefer if we keep our relationship professional and within work".

Thanks all, I will go with the majority here and let her know i just don’t mix work and home life and try to keep it short. I’ll also speak to my manager if she doesn’t get the just after that 🥲

Please dont be worried about 'upsetting' such a character who has the skin of a rhino and has zero concern about upsetting you or intruding on your personal life at 3am. Keep it short and sweet on text. Rinse and repeat (ie copy text once more) if pushed then zero response.

It really is that simple

It should be that simple, but some people really won’t listen unless shit gets serious