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Original poster

Partner not setting alarm

22 replies

KarbyBugger · 29/07/2025 09:49

My partner never sets an alarm in the morning and isn't someone who just wakes up around the right time and gets up.

It's always me waking him up because I'm leaving for work and he needs to get up to get our child to school or because I'm working at home but have noticed he's not up and it's nearly 9.

I woke him at 8.30 today and 9.15, he had to rush for a meeting but then was grumpy and quiet when I later asked him why he never sets an alarm.

He works completely remotely so can just go straight to computer but I just don't get it and am also sick of it being something I have to check up.

I feel like we are in bad habits because he is crap at getting up but also pretty much had a breakdown about 5 years ago and me getting him up kind of became part of getting him through it. Except we never talked about it and now here we are years later.

Feels like I'm not allowed to mention it either lightly or in irritation and he never changes. It's such a small thing to recognise that you are doing and so set an alarm and manage yourself.

OP posts:
Squishymallows · 29/07/2025 09:51

Don’t wake him up and let him miss his meetings obviously

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 29/07/2025 10:17

Why are you waking him?

Toddytoddyrumskin · 29/07/2025 10:18

Stop waking him up.

AnSolas · 29/07/2025 10:31

Buy a radio alarm set it to the time he need to be up eg 5 min before you leave the house

You can get ones which can be programmed for each day of the week and dont need to be reset every day and multi snooze options.

If he gets up on his own happy days

If he turns off the alarm function you have a relationship issue.

Original poster
KarbyBugger · 29/07/2025 10:38

Because of learnt behaviour meaning I am worried he will lose his job.

Which actually isn't the case anymore.

I spoke to him this morning and he went off and quiet. Am going to leave him to it tomorrow morning and see what happens as I am dropping our child at holiday club as it's on the way to work.

Think maybe a conversation is also needed as it's a silent bad habit and seems more sensible to draw the line. But maybe it's better if he just does it for himself - he's had fair warning this morning.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 29/07/2025 10:39

My H isn't a natural early riser, I am and usually take him a coffee and say haven't you got a job to go to.

If I don't or I don't have to get up, he sometimes oversleeps and is a bit "oh fuck" what he never does is blame me. He knows he's a grown man and is just as capable of setting an alarm as I am.

I would calmly, in the evening, say, right we know how it started, me getting you up 5 years ago, and it's been fine honestly but it needs to stop ok. I haven't minded doing it but now it feels like it's an endless expectation, and it has to stop. You are a grown man and mornings are busy enough for all of us. You getting yourself up needs to be sorted out, with alarms, radio, more than one alarm.

You are allowed to have feelings and be pissed off with things as well OP, and he should be willing to put in some effort to make changes for you, sounds like you did when he needed you, your needs should be equally respected.

Original poster
KarbyBugger · 29/07/2025 10:40

As for people asking why am I waking him - I think because he was very ill for a while plus I had parents with mental health issues so fall immediately into person who sorts things and so we get into a rut.

OP posts:
Original poster
KarbyBugger · 29/07/2025 10:41

He doesn't blame me if he doesn't wake up but it's a ridiculous situation.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 29/07/2025 10:42

Well he might not blame you but the sulking indicates that he still thinks it's your problem. To me anyway.

He might say it will be your fault if he loses his job.

I would respond "can you hear yourself, it's your job, not mine if you lose it it's entirely your fault and I won't be made to feel guilty about it"

amicisimma · 29/07/2025 10:42

You've told him once (more?) now leave him to it.

Or you can decide to be in charge of waking him up, in which case accept that that is your choice and do it without resentment.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 29/07/2025 10:45

Squishymallows · 29/07/2025 09:51

Don’t wake him up and let him miss his meetings obviously

100% this

Tell him you are not his secretary and will no longer be waking him up . He can act like a grown up, he is not your additional child.

Then step back

frozendaisy · 29/07/2025 10:48

When I first met my H his (too soft) mother used to phone him every morning to make sure he was up for work, he was 30 years old, he started staying at my house and I found this out.

Oh well, I told him he was a disgrace that his mum, who had recently retired, didn't need to be setting her alarm to wake up to phone you to wake you up, and when you don't answer for 20 or 30 missed calls, I kid you not, letting her worry whilst you sleep through that you might lose your job. Oh I kicked off.

He started getting up, answering his phone first call, saying "It's ok mum I'm already up" then she started missing days, then she stopped calling all together and low and behold he could get himself up. I was obviously her favourite for a bit for giving her her retirement mornings back, with a look of "please don't leave him" in her eyes. And yes I did partially blame her, she was far too accommodating.

AnSolas · 29/07/2025 10:56

KarbyBugger · 29/07/2025 10:40

As for people asking why am I waking him - I think because he was very ill for a while plus I had parents with mental health issues so fall immediately into person who sorts things and so we get into a rut.

He has a mobile?
If so he can set up alarms on it tonight.

Part of managing/ recovery from illness is finding what works if you want to step back he needs to find a solution which works.

Unfortunatly you will need to make sure he is actively solving the problem as you need to feel secure about your child when walking out to work.

It may be a "small" issue but is about how he needs to recognise the strain (even if small) it puts on your relationship when you have to "baby" him while trying to get out to work.

Original poster
KarbyBugger · 29/07/2025 11:02

Being quiet and grumpy is not because it's my job to wake him, it's because he is annoyed I've pointed out a behaviour he needs to change.

And yes leaving in the mornings when our child should be going to school is stressful.

I think I will sit down and tell him tonight that I'm not doing it anymore and ask him how he will make sure he is up in the morning. Being late for a holiday club is better than late for school so best do it now.

Ironically I don't think he has ever been late getting to the school so clearly he is capable.

OP posts:
welshcakesandtea · 29/07/2025 11:12

Ughhhhh my partner used to be like this, I’ve let him sleep through plans/until afternoon to teach him a lesson and told him I’m not his mother. He’s mostly learnt now, unless it’s like 5/6am.

U53rName · 29/07/2025 11:19

He is adding more to your mental load—yet one more task for you to do is wake him up because he CBA to set an alarm.

How did he manage to be on time and hold down a job before he met you?

Massive ick.

mindutopia · 29/07/2025 12:00

I’d be making sure what days it’s clear he needs to get dc up and ready for school. And I’d not be waking him up anymore.

If dc is late to school or he misses a meeting, that’s completely on him.

I wouldn’t be sitting down and informing him of anything though. That’s making it your job again. Just don’t do it. He will have to learn by natural consequences.

Makingpeace · 29/07/2025 12:01

Squishymallows · 29/07/2025 09:51

Don’t wake him up and let him miss his meetings obviously

Exactly this. He is responsible for himself.

Original poster
KarbyBugger · 30/07/2025 09:24

Didn't mention it again. He set an alarm and got up for his morning meeting. So day one good.

I'm working from home until 11 so could have woken him but didnt.

Have to see how it lasts.

OP posts:
AnSolas · 30/07/2025 10:35

👍

Original poster
KarbyBugger · 31/07/2025 10:04

Went fine this morning as well.

Might be an example of just say what you think rather than seething or making it a big deal when it's not really.

OP posts:
AnSolas · 31/07/2025 10:10

Yep and he has the whole summer to adjust as getting up in a bright room is easier than a dark one

So fyi a trick is a lamp on a timer

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