Do your teens swear af you?

[SilverliningHunter]

DD, 16, is generally a good kid. She works hard at school, has hobbies and a part-time job and a very active social life - parties/trips away with friends.

She’s just finished her GCSEs and I’m finding her behaviour at home increasingly challenging, it is just us and she’s estranged from her dad so we don’t get much of a break from her.

She’s not openly hostile but she often doesn’t do her small list of chores despite saying they are done when asked. They are not done. Eg dishwasher not emptied etc.

And, worse imo, she’s started swearing at me. Not all the time but she’s told me to fuck off and ‘oh look she doesn’t fucking answer’ that kind of thing. I find this absolutely gobsmacking that she has the audacity to do this when; for example, I’d picked her and her friends up from a party at 1am at the weekend.

So, do you have a zero tolerance approach to swearing? I’ve told her that she won’t be allowed to attend the next thing she is looking forward to next time she does it.

Definitely not! It's one thing we've been really strict about from the beginning. DH swears more than me, but it's not part of daily conversation which helps as it's not the norm for us or the kids to use swear words regularly (although the kids said Dad swears in the car!). Even one of my eldest son's uni housemates said he doesn't hear him swear much.

Mine are a bit older now (and it does pass!). I definitely got the thing with chores and saying they were done when either they weren't or they'd been done so quickly they may as well not have been, but not the swearing no. Tbh they wouldn't have given me the attitude you describe, even without swearing.

When DS2 was about 16 he used the phrase "some shit" in a casual conversation with me and his face when he realised he'd said it in front of me was an absolute picture 🤣

She’s not openly hostile

Not all the time but she’s told me to fuck off and ‘oh look she doesn’t fucking answer’ that kind of thing.

What would you consider hostile?

My youngest is 13 and his swearing is awful. I’m constantly pulling him up on it. BUT he’s a good kid, he is kind, helps around the house, spends time with me doing a shared hobby, always giving cuddles, does as he’s told, does well at school (to the point he had the best school report out of any of my 3 kids - all the teachers spoke about how kind, attentive, helpful and inclusive he is. That he will offer to do something for the teacher that he foresees they will need, he’ll always volunteer, always got his hand up to answer questions, etc etc). So although I don’t like it at his age, I have decided there are far, far worse things he could be doing - and it’s never sweating at someone, it’s always either in a joking kind of way or frustration at a situation, both of which I’m guilty of myself.

I will continue to pull him up on it and remind him it’s one thing to swear with his friends and another in front of his parents…. But honestly, if this is as bad as it gets, I’ll take it!

My sons don't. My daughter (17) does.

Not if they want to live at home and eat! First time would be the last time.

That is swearing at me, swearing in front of me would be told off for.

No and my dd was a right madam at times, esp between 15 and about 21.
But no, she never swore at me. She’s in her 30s now and if ever a swear word pops out in the context of something else, she always says sorry straight away.
I’ve never instilled it in her, she just knows I don’t like it.

Only when under immense stress and struggling - the night before his GCSE NEA was due in, and the night before his German oral.

Otherwise, no. Not if he wants his supper cooked and the wifi to carry on functioning.

If someone swore AT me, that would be a real ground shifter in our relationship. If a spouse spoke to you like that I’d consider it abusive. My teen doesn’t ever swear in front of me (I know he does with friends as I’ve heard it in his room) it’s a respect and understanding of who you are talking to.

swore at me….1. What’s started a shift in behaviour underneath it all and 2. Zero lifts / money / phone from now on. I’m no one’s dogsbody and punching bag.

Mine swear around me, but absolutely not ever directed at me in the manner you say in the OP

No they don’t

and I don’t swear in front of my parents either.

This. If mine swore at me it would be game over.

My 19yo swears in front of me very occasionally - usually when he’s repeating something someone else has said - but never at me and knows I just wouldn’t tolerate it. I’ve never sworn at him either.

I was an absolute nightmare daughter from the ages of 13-17. Defiant and rude, a real bitch - especially to my mom, but I'd never dare. I'd swear in front of her, but never at her.

I have 3 teens and while they can sometimes be difficult, they wouldn't either.

This really isn't ok.

Ds is 15 and swears around us. Not much though. I suspect it's because we're fairly sweary adults, so it doesn't have the impact it would have done when I was growing up.

He's never sworn at us. He's had a pull for his tone on several occasions though, which is treated to an eyeballs when he thinks I'm not looking. But I'll take that.

Dd is a bit younger and seems to have borrowed the Bunty book of swearing and will come out with gems like: "oh my stars " or "gosh golly". No idea how they're related.

Exactly this. I have a grandson (early 20's) who (possibly because of the job he is doing at present and the people he is mixing with) has started swearing like a pro.
If he ever swore at me, there would be big consequences.

I had a really really difficult teen, and one more like you describe - not doing chores etc

Neither of them would dream of talking to me like that even during really hard times (and we had some staggeringly hard ones)

My teens do not swear at me.
They may use swear words in conversations in relevant context - we all do in our house but its not daily language.

The 'C' word is not allowed in our house - I loathe it.

I’ll be the one bucking the trend of “no and they would never dare” brigade.

My dd when 15-18 swore at me often. Awful and abusive. It was hell. I tried punishing, it got worse.

In the end I continuously told her it was not acceptable, that it was abusive and we agreed (when calm) on a consequence, wifi would go off.

I did not retaliate (well, once) I am human and she had help from CAMHS. She was depressed and very anxious.

I feel she was taking her anger out on me, and I would rather that than she was self-harming.

We now have a wonderful relationship and she apologised.

Oh and I love bombed her, I made sure she knew I hated the behaviour but loved her.

Good luck, you are doing a difficult job.

I allow some swearing, in context. I do not allow anyone to swear at me, let alone my own child.

No. DD never did, and still doesn't and wouldn't.

We've always said swearing is useful in some circumstances for emphasis or humour (for the right audience) but never as an insult or directed at someone. So far DC have never sworn in front of us.

No and I would come down on that like a ton of bricks, they would have felt my wrath. Respectful behaviour only in my house or they can move out.

he should have sworn in German. I tell my daughter to use the french Merde which covers a multitude of curses. no one will know what she said. Scheisse also good as is Dummkopf

Never. Ever.