Re: Grief - have you experienced this? How to deal with it?

[OffRoad]

I lost one of my oldest and dearest friends to cancer almost 4 years ago. I was with her every day towards the end in the hospice, and was with her when she died. It was the saddest thing I ever have experienced.

I thought I had been through the ‘main’ period of grief. The first year after she died I cried my eyes out most days and just couldn’t believe she was gone. Then I got some acceptance, and had a long period of remembering the good times and how wonderful she was as a person, of course interspersed with those moments when the loss hits you again. I perhaps naively thought this was how it would be now.

I did have a brief period of feeling extreme anger at the unfairness of her death, but that passed.

Now suddenly I have been floored, seemingly out of the blue, with fresh grief that feels like just after she died. I don’t know what triggered it, but I cannot stop crying (about a week of this now) and all I can think about is her. It’s incredibly painful and has knocked me for six, as I didn’t expect it. I thought I had settled into the grief - that it would come in waves forever more, but not like this. So painful and so relentless. My chest physically aches and I don’t know how to soothe it.

If you have experienced this, how did you deal with it?

Sorry for your loss 💐
I've experienced similar after the death of my grandmothers who both died in the same year, 4 months apart when I was 8. Obviously I was a young child and was sad at the time (it's over 35 years ago now) but as I got older the grief would intensify and keep coming back to haunt me (for want of a better way to describe it). I actually think I blocked a lot out when it happened with being young but then began to subconsciously process it in my teens and adulthood. I know it's not exactly the same situation as you with your friend but just wanted to say you're not alone. I don't have any advice really other than take each day as it comes which I know is easier said than done. How about contacting a bereavement counselling service to talk to someone to help you process your feelings?

You're not alone OP.

Cancer is particularly brutal. I miss my dad more now I'm grown up than when I was a kid.

The world keeps changing and sometimes you need that connection at a specific time and there's nothing that will ever replace it.

Hmmm I haven’t experienced exactly this with grief, more the waves of grief you describe, but I will say that I sometimes find I have a particularly intense and/or long-lasting “wave” of grief if I am overtired or overstressed or starting to struggle with depression. It’s like my brain links up any sort of negative emotion with grief and just goes down that route sort of thing. Any chance you might be depressed at the moment or are particularly under pressure?

I am currently on the death watch for an old friend—45 years we’ve known each other. I can’t say how this is going to play out. Just wanted to say I appreciate your posting this thread.

10 months since my ds died and I had an awful week last week . I couldn't stop crying. We scattered some of his ashes and I kept thinking...this is what he is reduced to. Bone fragments.
Hes not a vibrant 25 year old living his best life and he is gone.
And my life will never be the same.
I'd been doing really well and now I feel knocked back. I am angry and bitter and resentful.

That sounds so hard OP..
It must be that grief is experienced differently by people.
My immediate thought is that something has triggered this and that it will subside.
Hang on in there , talk here and in real life.
Sorry to post such useless words.

@Mikart- you’re probably still in shock. You’re allowed to have all these feelings, don’t feel bad about how you feel. So sorry about your son. And your friend OP. Life is tough. I lost my Dad last year and it still seems unreal sometimes