Can I ask you about love?

[Herenergyisoff]

I’m very confused right now and I could really do with some other peoples perspectives. I don’t want to discuss this with anyone in real life.

I was previously in a fifteen year relationship and although emotionally abusive, I loved him madly. It ended (my choice) and I was on my own for four years.

I then met my current partner and we’ve been together for a year. It moved very quickly and we said we loved each other within a few weeks. Really felt like soulmates. As time went on though, I would question to my self if I loved him as much as he loved me. I would compare how I’d loved my ex and I didn’t feel the same intensity. My partner is perfect in every way and I feel deep shame in even comparing things.

We are now on a break, much to his despair and I just don’t know what to do. Can you love someone differently to how you’ve loved before or should your current partner be the true love of your life? I don’t know if I’m just older now and dealing with trauma so I’m more guarded..

I’m also going through perimenopause which I worry is clouding my judgement.

Any advice would be welcomed xx

The ‘intensity’ of your previous relationship is because it was abusive and the brain is fucking stupid when it comes to producing dopamine in response to marked highs and lows.

Good relationships don’t make you on edge, it’s not passion it’s anxiety.

if your new bloke is perfect in every way apart from making you miserable and you’re chucking him you probably really need more therapy to work out why you self sabotage.

I don’t think very much about love. I do love dp and I tell him so, likewise ds, but to me love is a verb. Someone who is good to me is showing some kind of love, someone who treats me badly isn’t, whatever they say. i also don’t know any perfect people or perfect relationships, nor do i believe in soulmates, fate, things happening for a reason, or ‘love of your life’ kind of stuff. I believe in loyalty and loving care.

If you weren’t comfortable in the relationship then you don’t need to be in it. But I’d also recommend some therapy.

Thank you. I’ve had a lot of therapy throughout my life. I also had a very traumatic childhood.

If you need a break in a relationship, then the relarionship is not for you.

The break is so I can process my thoughts. I have moments of feeling completely in love with him and have so much gratitude that he’s mine and then other times I feel almost nothing, detached. I can’t believe my own mind as it changes so much.

The first post nailed it!

@Herenergyisoff I can relate. One of my earlier relationships was so toxic (well over 40 years ago now), the abuse was off the scale, but the 'love' I felt for him was so intense that when I met my future DH, because I didn't feel that level of 'love' (which I now know wasn't love), meant I constantly questioned what it was that I felt, because the 'intensity' wasn't there.

I now know, after being in a stable loving relationship with DH for 38 years, that this is love. A deep, mutually respectful love. Not with fear and anxiety at the root, as it was before.

Like you, I had a traumatic/abusive childhood. I didn't have any positive male role models in my life either, so I had no idea how 'real men' behaved towards women as my male role models drank too much alcohol and were physically, mentally and emotionally abusive.

It tough to break the cycle, but it can be done. I hope you can work things out.

This sounds like your childhood traumas are unresolved. Have you ever had EMDR?

Thank you for your reply. You give me hope!

No I’ve not tried EMDR. My sister has though and really rated it. I’ve had regular talking therapy/ counselling and CBT.

EMDR is excellent. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and had several sessions of EMDR and I feel so much better for it.

Trauma and abuse in childhood fucks us up. It can then take decades to unravel it all. I found peri-meno the most challenging time in my life for dealing with trauma memories, anxiety, and just generally feeling unstable. In addition to EMDR, I started HRT (which I've continued with, with a few tweaks here and there) and that was also really helpful with stabilising my mood and dealing with the physical effects of peri-menopausal symptoms.

Also second EMDR as someone else with C-PTSD from childhood.

I’ve just been prescribed HRT so I need to pick up my prescription and get on with giving they a go!

I am not a highly emotional person and my DH is autistic. Personally I like to think of Love as an action and not a feeling. If you have a partner that you find attractive and get on well with, that is worth way more than any dizzy feelings that you might have with someone else.
I think Hollywood has a lot to answer for as most people are obsessed with feelings but they are not what makes a strong relationship.

"other times I feel almost nothing, detached"

This specifically sounds like a trauma response. I wonder if you are detaching out of fear of getting hurt? Wondering if he is actually doing things that trigger you? Or, even if you cant see red flag behaviour or abuse, but your body recognizes it.
Good for taking a break. Please get some counselling before you go back.

I am going back to therapy.

I certainly get triggered if he wants to discuss something/ issues and I take them as criticism and shut down, say it’s not working and want to end things.