How do I help my Mum now she's living on her own after losing Dad?

[BeingaDaughter]

I just wondered if I’m on my own about worrying about my Mum now she’s living on his own after losing my Dad? She gets really lonely and misses normal things like having a meal or watching TV together. She was also more confident going out to things when there was someone with her.

We don’t live close by and I worry about her. There don’t seem to be many good options out there to help.

She really doesn’t want to move to residential care and would rather stay in her home and the community she knows and brought the family up in.

We’ve looked at befriending services but they’re usually once a week at most and it’s the rest of the time, particularly evenings and overnight when she misses having someone there.

A friend has arranged for someone to share with her Mum and it’s worked really well. They’re company for each other and also share the bills. My friend is also there to give both of them some support.

I wondered what experiences other people have of trying to help their Mum or Dad once they’re on their own and what you think of sharing with someone you get on well with?

Is there a set of retirement apartments in her area? They seem quite popular now. Everyone has their own apartment but there are also communal areas for TV and activities IF people want company, and a cafe/restaurant in the one near us, although I know her own home is preference. Would she be happy for someone to suddenly move in?
Is she a member of any groups? University of the 3rd age is popular, any knit and natter groups, widows group or WI or anything?
DM has been single and alone for years and would absolutely hate to house share with someone else, as would I. I’m a young widow and no way would I consider a house share tbh. I am a bit lonely sometimes, but I’d rather be on my own than share a home with another single person. I’ve done house share in my younger days, after years living with DH & DC (now adult) I wouldn’t do it now.

Is there a U3A group in her area they are all over the country they do a lot of recreational and social group activities.
Do they have volunteer drivers in her area that give lifts for donations.
How old is your mum. Are you worried about her being alone in the house ie. accidents, falls.

How old is she, and is she still able to drive, do her own shopping and get to things on her own? If she can do that, then encourage her to get out and join things. U3A, hospice had a bereavement group where mine made friends, volunteering, social clubs, swimming/exercise class. Anything like that will help her to build up a network. And easier now in the warmer/lighter months than in the winter.

If she can’t get out on her own, then maybe supported or assisted living (sometimes called extra care housing) would be a good thing to look into. Own living space but has communal spaces to meet others in, and some of these provide meals too.

I’m not sure a house share would work for many people. Mine values her own space and would have hated having someone she didn’t know coming to move there.

Does she have friends? Like her own friends, not just couple that she and your dad would socialise with? My parents live surrounded by other old people, and I know they all pick each other up whenever there’s a death.

If she isn't too old to go out, can she join her local women's Institute to make some more friends and have some social activities?

A lot will depend on her age and general level of independence. Mum is in her mid-70s and has been widowed 3 years, and I had similar concerns to you. But she was always active in the community before my stepdad became so ill, and she now volunteers as a driver to take people to medical appointments and absolutely loves doing that.

She does have friends, although her best friend recently died and that has definitely hit her hard. But she deserves have other friends, people she knows through church, and so on.

Where she lacks confidence is in the things that she and my stepdad used to do together, like managing finances and purchases for the house. But my brother and I have been able to help act as sounding boards and support her to be confident in those decisions.

She’s a long way from being frail or needing physical care, and has taken the view that for so long as she can live independently she will do so. And when she can’t, she’ll sell up and move to a nursing home near me or my brother. She’s very pragmatic about it all.

Maybe chat to her about it. Of course this period is incredibly difficult while she gets used to being on her own. And Christmas last year was the first time Mum wanted to spend it with family and celebrate since my stepdad died, It takes time to be in the right frame of mind, and some days and weeks will be better than others. But you need to be guided by her. Mum wouldn’t want me fussing, but maybe your mum does want that. Let her lead on what she feels works for her and try to support that. It’s hard being a long way away and not being able to just nip round, but she may be content for now to just have space to get used to things.

Does she have friends and family? I think keeping active and social is very important

Mine would sbdolutely hate to share- and personally so would I. It’s been a huge struggle but she has slowly carved out a new life - dancing, book clubs, u3a all good. At her age (87) it’s not about packing the days, but just having points in the week with nice activities. She also enjoys her garden and the tv!! No company for meals has been very hard, but you do have to sometimes let them find their own way.

I’m 70 and my DH died very suddenly just before Christmas last year, so i’m in the same boat as your mum @BeingaDaughter .

It’s lovely that you care so much about your mum, she will know how much you care. For me, I’m settled in my home. My family have been on at me to move closer but the idea is stressful. Gradually I’m getting used to being on my own. I’m finding having a routine helps. I have a little dog and I take her to the park twice a day. I have my dog walking friends who I see for a chat.

Don’t put pressure on your mum. Losing your DH is very stressful. I’ve felt like I have a mountain to climb most days, so the thought of U3A or anything really, is too much.

I think getting a student lodger can be great! Someone who is willing to help out for reasonable rent, but that must be the set up from the start so you don’t get someone lazy.
it can be hard to welcome someone into your home, but it also totally changes the energy in your home life.

https://homeshareuk.org
This is an example of a matching service.

Residential flats are great for that age. They can go to the communal lounge to chat with people when they want. They have coffee mornings and things but she gets to go shut her flat door when she wants peace. There's always usually a warden on site or manager who is contactable etc. Was great for my inlaws and reassuring when one died.

My mother was widowed at 87 after 66 years of marriage and the first year was definitely tough for her. Seven years on, she’s really thriving. It was very important to her to stay in her own house where everything was familiar and, as PPs have said, she’d hate to share with someone. Regular calls and texts from us helped - having a routine was huge - getting involved with the church was key in being introduced to local people. Joining U3A was also really good.

i work full time but see her every weekend. After she broke her hip, she had a lifeline so that she can alert someone if she falls. Really key for her is her independence and not wanting to rely on someone all the time - but again, that first year was about finding herself again, online shopping, online banking, things my father didn’t approve of.

If she has her own property, a move to a retirement complex could be life changing (in a really good way). You don’t say how long ago your dad died so her feelings might be grief-related and she just needs time to process everything. You can support her through that by seeing her, have video chats, inviting her to stay, just things which will help her remember there is still life to be lived. Are there young grandkids in the family? Kids sometimes have a lovely way of helping to bring joy, fun and a relief from the heartache of loss.

My dad was lost for about a year after losing my mum but then (not to spook you!) he got a ‘friend who is a lady’ (as he put it) and they got married when they were both 80. I did NOT see that coming but I’m now very pleased for them.