How you mark anniversaries of bereavements

[way2serious]

I have three anniversaries of bereavements each year and feel I would like to do something to mark these as special days and just wondered what others do? I was thinking of trying to find somewhere nice to go on each of the days but am not sure where or what.

Depends what and how long for. For one grandmother we went out for dinner on the first anniversary by the second and had a little one so had other things on my mind quite frankly. For my other grandparents nothing specific. For mil we buried the ashes on the anniversary then went out for lunch, no plans going forward though as we have a strong feeling that it’s not healthy to dwell on specific dates but to eaches own

Do you want to do it alone, or in a gathering?
I have friends who mark the day by meeting for a toast.
You could go to church (or indeed stay home) and light a candle, visit the grave or scattering site.
DM likes to visit places they both enjoyed.

I choose not to mark specific days whereas DM likes to mark everything- birthday, death day, funeral day, Easter, Christmas, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, her birthday… It loses all meaning for me. I remember when I remember- when I see something they gave me, something we did together, etc. I think of Dad when I look at sweet shops and many many other times regardless of the calendar.

I lost my nuclear family early and mark every birthday, anniversary and Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I don’t recommend it. I have complicated grief syndrome and I know that this it’s not helping.

On my mum’s birthday & the anniversary of her death, I usually book the day off work & go for a long walk somewhere where I can remember her without being distracted.

I don't know why people choose to do this for years and years into infinity.
A bit like 'god'..do you need to go to a church to worship or are they always with you?

I go to church and light a candle

On my Mums birthday and her death day I go out for dinner with my sister and my dad. It’s lovely. Just the three of us and we value the time together so much. It used to be that we would talk about Mum a lot during these meals, and we still talk about her, but we have found naturally we have other things to talk about.

Think of them particularly on birthdays but couldn't tell you what day they died on my parents have been dead for over 30 years they wouldn't want me dwelling on it, better to remember good times.

It’s not that I am a dweller I would just like to have a bit of a routine on those days to think about the three special people and do something nice on my own. I might try and think of somewhere relatively local to me where I can go for a nice peaceful walk.

In Judaism we light a memorial candle on the eve of the anniversary of the death of a close relative. They are called Memorial Candles. Supermarkets sell them and they burn for 25 hours.

I don’t, I just let gem go.

I think this is very personal and individual.
I do remember special days, and I think about my mum and dad a lot especially on their birthdays.

My sisters and I go out for dinner on mums birthday.
It feels wrong to us not to mark it so it’s right for us.

I’ve always marked birthdays rather than the date they died. My family does the same so I guess I learned from them. The only exception is my twin sister as her birthday is obviously mine. Dm always has flowers in the house the week of the anniversary of my sister’s death and I’ve continued that tradition.

Why would you want to remember a sad day like that? I think about lost loved ones all the time. I don't mark anniversaries of deaths.

I personally don't do anything. I often think about them, and remember them, though.
It's very individual.

My Dad gets Mothers Day flowers and flowers on Mum's birthday as well as flowers at random times because Mum loved flowers. On her birthday and the anniversary of her death we get together as a family and visit the place where her ashes are scattered. We have scattered rose petals and wild flower seeds and her grandchildren and great grandchildren play poo sticks on the bridge over the stream, we go for coffee in the coffee shop she loved to visit and feed the ducks on the duck pond and we say hello to our grandparents, Mum's Mum and Dad who are scattered nearby but in a place no longer accessible to us.

I don’t do anything specific. I think of them quietly on my own - but I do this anyway, I don’t think the actual day is any ‘worse’ or more important than any other. It’s very individual.

For my sons birthday, I put special flowers with his age on his grave, also little battery operated candles in glass jars around his grave, the same amount as his age

Then his sisters and I go to his favourite restaurant for dinner.

His anniversary is Christmas day, so he always has a small Christmas tree beside him from mid December, sometimes we put it there on his birthday (also December). The family visit him on Christmas morning, then we try and get through Christmas day as best we can, for the younger members. Once I get home I open the tequila have a few shots for him.

I don't really do anything for my parents, its my mums birthday today, the first one without her but I don't feel sad, or feel like I have to do anything for her, I'm grateful that she was my mum and I had her for so long

I mark their birthdays but not the days they died. My dad’s birthday was near Christmas so we usually go to a light festival.

I acknowledge the anniversaries differently. My miscarriages, I quietly take a few moments on the day I learnt I wouldn’t ever be a mum, usually they to be near a body of water, have a walk and allow myself to grieve.

This year was the first anniversary of my husbands death. My friends and I celebrated (with tea and cake) that I had made it through the first year and was still here causing chaos as usual. In private, I allowed myself to wallow in self pity and grief. Not my best decision. Probably will stick to cake shared with friends in future.

Same here. The period round my dad's death was traumatic, to mark it as "an occasion" just seems grotesque. I don't mind meeting up with my mum and sister on his birthday if we are available but I wouldn't block the date off in advance necessarily.

I asked my 5 year-old what he would like to do to celebrate his brother’s birthday. He said, ‘Eat birthday cake!’ So that is what we do. I play his funeral songs and we take a few minutes to think about what he might be doing in heaven. We have also had a butterfly release and a dove release at his grave on anniversaries.

I appreciate people may not feel the same about doing these things for an adult though.

It’s lovely you asked him, @W0tever

I think it’s important people learn their own ways to remember- whether following traditions from their own or other cultures, celebrating special days, or marking moments day by day as they happen.

We all tick differently. I have made my preferences for after my death known to my nearest and dearest, but with the proviso that they must do what works for them!

I count myself fortunate in being almost time blind. I don’t know any dates except close family birthdays. I get to live each day without associations from previous years.

I don't. I don't feel the need. I do think of my Dad sometimes and wish I could tell him things that have happened and I remember my Step Mum with fondness, especially when I'm gardening, and my Gran when I'm playing piano, but the only date I remember is Dad's as he died on DD1's birthday.

But I think whatever works for the individual is fine as long as it doesn't impact others.