Any strategies for protecting yourself if you are an empath?

[Firefly45]

Im an empath and it can be exhausting. I have a tendency to feel like im responsible for fixing and helping everyone! I feel guilty if I can't.
I find a lot of friends use me as a therapist, offloading, wanting advice and pep talks. Its both flattering and exhausting.

When someone you care about tells you their problems how do you protect yourself from not carrying that with you? Or desperately trying to think of ways to help or try and fix it?

I appreciate its also an ego/self centered thing that i assume that this is what people what me to do?

I wondered if anyone has developed any useful strategies?
I work with vulnerable, traumatised people and ive managed over time to put in some professional boundaries to protect myself but its taken a long time and its still a struggle.

I dont want to tell people I care about 'i can't listen to this' because I feel that is cruel and horrible when someone is in need.

Do anyone else ever feel like this and what can you do to help yourself?

An empath....? So someone who feels empathy for another?

I don't think feeling like this is part of being a special "empath", it's just being human. In my experience, people who describe themselves as empaths are actually more self-absorbed and less empathic that the average person. Apologies if that doesn't apply to you.

This happens to me too but I don’t think I’m an empath. Are you in therapy to help process your reactions to your work life?That would be the best way.

Ok thats fair enough. Forget empath then.

I think i used that term because a lot of my friends and my DH do not have the problem i have. They can listen to others without it impacting then emotionally.

Have therapy to deal with childhood trauma, if there is any.

I think that many "empaths" have learned to read people well because they had to do so in childhood, to survive.

That’s what friends do. It’s normal
to confide in friends and sometimes close colleagues. If they’re telling you things you’d rather not hear, change the subject .

Yes, people don’t get it. I don’t see it as some wonderful special gift, it’s a weakness or vulnerability. It may be we are introverts who’ve been trained to act like extroverts, or perhaps we had inconsistent parents so we are hypervigilant people pleasers. Whatever, we find some of this stuff harder than other people . Don’t protect ourselves very well.

The same boundaries you use at work are needed in personal life too. I am careful now about the balance in relationships. I don’t feel obliged to seek people out to see if they are ok. If I’m tired and realise I’m dreading seeing them, I will cancel or postpone or not book in the first place.

I’m much better at keeping some space free so I can defuse, rather than going from person to person.

I realised that actually I listen and support far more than am listened to and supported and so need feel no shame at pushing back.

My sister in law claims to be "an empath." She has put on her website that she can feel what others are feeling without being told, and can read vibrations and auras. If that was true, she would not keep coming around to visit me.

It is human to feel empathy with others, and to want to help. We are complex societal animals. The most useful thing you can do is to watch yourself to ensure that you aren't acting like a grief vampire, or getting overly involved in the pain of others in a vicarious way. We all need to recognise the line between caring and self-absorption.

Maybe reframe it - you’re not an empath, you’re someone who gets overly invested in other people’s problems.

Because it’s a negative thing to be (unless you’re completely self-absorbed) but calling yourself an empath makes it sound like a positive/good/special thing whereas it’s just a pain in the arse.

I would suggest building up your own life and interests so you’re not filling the hole with others affairs

I appreciate its also an ego/self centered thing that i assume that this is what people what me to do?

Keep hold of this insight. It could well be that you are aggravating as many people as you are helping. Framing yourself as someone with the special status of 'empath' ( a nonsense term) suggests that you might be conspicuously jumping in to 'help' in a manner that others then feel cornered into appreciating.

They will play along with your self-image, seeming grateful while resenting the need to seem grateful. They may also feel guilty about what you are doing for them.

It might be better to back off a bit, cede control, give others the space to solve their own problems. When they tell you stuff, perhaps all they need is for you to listen and hear.

I think the clue for how to fix this is actually in your first post. You say you try to fix problems, get involved, feel flattered etc. This is where the ego-side of "being an empath" comes in. Instead of thinking that you are important enough or wise enough or whatever to fix other people's problems, instead reframe this as something that you can lend a listening ear to, and stop at that. Tell yourself that you don't have the magic answer to other people's problems and that they can solve them just fine without your input.

Are you an "empath" or a plain old people pleaser? I don't mean to be harsh, it's just that I find concepts like "empath" and "highly sensitive person" are suspiciously reminiscent of maladaptive strategies developed by victims of emotional abuse/neglect that now are coined and marketed as cool/aspirational qualities.
In any case, boundaries would be my answer.

There's an element of 'saviour complex' coming through OP. Do you really want to help people, or is there an element of feeling good about yourself for somehow fixing their problems?

You touched upon your job... don't you have clinical supervision?

You might be HSP - highly sensitive person, you could have a look at this to see if resonates with you:
The Highly Sensitive Person https://share.google/iKAMM8iDz2h7PBe0z

I think you’re getting a bit of a rough time here OP.

If someone’s mood is encroaching just say in your mind ‘I’m passing it back’ and let it stay with them.

Supporting to and listening to friends is normal. If people are over sharing or putting on you then you need to work on boundaries.

I don't think that's necessarily true in this case. I agree that publicly calling yourself an empath if you're over 15 may come across as pompous or even cringe. But the thing is these concepts (like many others) are everywhere nowadays. So, if you are really struggling due to a lack of emotional boundaries, this is the framework you're presented with (just like "demisexual" et alii). So I don't think people using this terminology means they are automatically self-centered or attentiom seekers or have a saviour's complex. I think they lack another (and actually useful) framework to understand their issue.
Other posters have seen it too: it may well be that OP had to play the role of hyper-vigilant parent-pleaser trhoughout her childhood, and until this day she still reacts automatically this way when presented with emotionally charged situations.

This thread is going to get derailed by people reacting to the E word…

OP, often the best thing we can do is listen, affirm, and then let people solve their own problems. It’s a skill they need to develop for their own wellbeing.

Could you have some stock phrases for in your head that you tell yourself to that effect?

Maybe limit your exposure to all these people too. Cut yourself off at the source a bit.

@MolluscMondayThat's good advice. You sound like you know what you are talking about!

Without meaning to derail the thread do you think there are ways to deal with, say, an elderly parent in these sorts of situations?

My mum (early 80s) always(!) had a tendency to moan about things while absolutely shutting down any suggestions of solutions. It's getting a little worse as her world has gotten smaller over the past few years. Mostly I cope ok, she is a good person and I love her very much but lately I am finding it a bit exhausting.

I spend 1 day a week with her and we talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a week. She complains about her sisters, her neighbours, TV programmes, food, where we go to eat, what she eats, the service, the coffee, the supermarket, shops in general, no ATM nearby, the queue at the post office, a person being a bit late doing a job at her house, the bins being collected late, her hairdresser putting up her prices, a service sending a (automated) reminder for something she had just paid etc etc etc.

She is lovely (honestly!) and would be shocked if I pointed out how negative she is but she would be very offended and hurt and I really don't want this.

I have tried agreeing with her, changing the subject, staring off into space, offering suggestions, none of it works and I'm enjoying her company less than I used to which is a shame. I would love our day together to be more positive but don't know how to change things or even if that is possible, maybe it us just part of ageing?

Any tips would be gratefully received!

@Wishimaywishimight I might try just repeating a stock phrase or two when she is moaning about nothing- “Oh well, i’m sure they’re trying their best” or “Well, we’re lucky in many ways”- if she clocks she’s hearing the same phrase so many times it might clock with her as to why? If she says “You always say that” you could then have a gentle phrase ready like “Well Mum I just find life is happier when I look for the good” or something.

I guess maybe you could also try praising the positive, both in terms of noticing small good things when you’re out and about “Oh look at that lovely rose bush in their front garden” etc, but also subtly reinforcing anything positive she does say whilst ignoring or gently closing down the negatives? Dog training. That’s basically what i’m applying here, ha. Maybe stop at buying a whistle though.

Obviously if there’s stuff that’s genuinely hard for her atm that’s different.

My Mum drives me mad in different ways, so please don’t assume i’ve got this sorted btw!

@MolluscMondayThank you so much for replying. I am going to re-read your response a few times and test out those tips!!

We lost my dad a few years ago which was terribly hard but she did and does cope well. She still has an intersst in the house and garden and has had work done (new flooring, a new cooker etc) since although I would never minimise the impact losing dad had on her and we talk about him all the time.

She has several family members nearby, also a couple of friends she meets for coffee, attends an exercise class weekly. Her health is good, she is very mobile, has amazing eyesight so doing well for her age.

I am actually going to print out your post now and thank you again!

I cringed at the E word too.

I do relate to how you respond to people's problems though. Though I just see myself as someone who has a stupid need to fix things for people. I hate to see things going wrong for people, and want to 'save them' from what might happen.

I don't know why I'm like this or why I worry about people who are not my responsibility. But I don't see it as a positive and definitely not as a virtue.

Some people definitely feel things more than others. DD feels very little of other peoples emotion, never has. She doesn't get moved by sad situations at all. She doesn't get why her brother does. She has always been like this and finds it funny that other people could get upset by someone else.

I work with vulnerable, traumatised people

Then your work should have a support system built in. My voluntary work is similar and my organisation (I'm a trustee) has a contract with a provider of both online and in person counselling for our staff and volunteers.