Feel like a failure

[Justdontknowhow]

I’m a mum to 3 kids. They are aged 8, 11, 13. I thought everything would be so, so easy by now as they were tricky babies and toddlers (bad sleepers-years of chronic sleep deprivation, extremely active etc). I don’t know why I’m finding it difficult but it just is for me 🤷‍♀️ They are very full on , loud kids . They eat a lot and due to being very physical , they do a lot of activities so we do have to drive around quite a bit , we car pool etc . They are also fab kids who will happily play outside with friends etc but still back in and out of the house.
We are lucky to live in a country which has beautiful, hot summers but the holidays are very long, 3 months off school… yup.
Work-load has also hugely increased since they have gotten older , laundry is 10 times what it was when they were small, they are constantly hungry. We do our best with chores , getting them to help but honestly it’s another job. One of my children is particularly challenging and has a slight LD. My husband and and I have the most unsupportive families known to man and we are both from very challenging backgrounds. I won’t go into it but absolutely no practical help in anyway.
We both work very hard with cost of living really affecting us despite decent careers .
In 13 years we’ve have zero help, absolutely nothing, I had to pay people when I went into labour to mind my other kids.
Our house is lovely and in a great location particularly for our kids as it’s near beautiful beaches , great schools -older child can cycle everywhere. The house is a bit too small but lovely . We had to save and save for a deposit and did the entire renovation ourselves (again we have had/will have no financial help ever from family and no practical help when renovating and when we had small kids-fine, that’s life).
The kids do activities, get invited to playdates etc -we do have good friends but they all have solid family support etc.
I am/was very into art (print-making) and as I’m a teacher I’m off all summer but I simply can’t get back into it even though I want to . I just saw a friends social media and she has 2 kids and produces loads of work , really beautiful stuff and I honestly don’t understand how she can do this. I will say she has a studio and I don’t . I can’t afford one yet.
My husband is great but has to work full time over the summer , he does take the kids out when he can but even when they are out I can’t seem to do anything, I’m just exhausted and unmotivated and there’s always so much housework . I can’t understand how other parents can do this. I feel like such a failure today after seeing all that woman’s beautiful work. I know how short life is but I literally don’t know how to carve out time or even if I have it how to get into the right headspace … I know it would make me happier but I can’t understand how others can do it , my youngest is just 8 so it isn’t like they can be left to their own devices all day . I just can’t get my head around when another parent could do this. I’m an organized person too 🤷‍♀️

Honestly I think they are of an age where you need to get them to pick up after themselves a bit more and be responsible for themselves a bit more.

In the holidays, do things like cook up a big batch of chicken drumsticks and leave them in the fridge for the children to snack on when hungry, with some bread rolls and some fruit, so they can help themselves and not pester you for snacks.

When they come in after playing, set a timer for 5 mins and they have the challenge of putting any scraps in the bin, wiping surfaces, putting dishes in the dishwasher or washing them up, before the timer goes.

Same before bedtime - 10 minute timer to race around tidying up and wiping surfaces from any mess they make. Put music on. Have a celebratory drink or snack or game or dance once it is done.

Have a routine, which they help with, of sorting laundry on specific days a week and get them to take turns helping. They need to peg it out when it is ready. Make it sound and feel like a fun activity.

They won't be perfect but they will be learning how to be useful adults.

Ring fence two sessions a week for you to work on your art during holidays. On those days make sure you don't have to cook - just eat bread and cheese or leftovers, or someone else cooks.

I used to do one day of activities with Dc followed by one day of them amusing themselves during the holidays. I'd help them plan - make a list of stuff - like fun books to read, Lego to create, dens to build, films to watch etc. They need to learn to amuse themselves.

Thank you @Cinaferna , they do chores, that isn’t really the issue . Your last paragraph was really helpful.
I still find it all a lot of work. They are generally good children and we love having 3 kids , I probably had unrealistic expectations that it would be a total walk in the park once they were older and it absolutely isn’t, it feels like I have less time 🤷‍♀️
I know there’s no point comparing but I just don’t get how the hell other parents of multiples manage.

Didn’t want to read and run - I’ve got 3 boys, same ages as yours except youngest is 7. It can definitely be hard! Please don’t compare to others, especially on social media. You’ve no idea what that other woman has got in place (or neglected) in order to do her artwork. Something always has to give.

It sounds like you’re a really hands on mum, but perhaps you are putting too much pressure on yourself to do lots with the kids. Try and let them occupy themselves a bit more (I totally get that them “occupying themselves” can still end up with extra work for you if it’s something that makes a mess!).
you mentioned that when you do have time for yourself you still struggle to get anything done due to overwhelm/exhaustion. I wonder how old you are and if you could be perimenopausal? I found myself struggling with my mental health a couple of years ago, which I put down to hormonal changes, and getting on antidepressants for 6 months really lifted me out of it and gave me a wee boost to get through day to day life (I didn't actually think I was depressed as I was functioning fine, just felt exhausted, overwhelmed and joy-less - and definitely wasn’t enjoying my kids. But the anti-depressants were exactly what I needed, and I didn’t need them for long). Might be worth speaking to a doctor or counsellor.

I really think you should consider working on your own headspace then make a plan for incorporating your hobby which you seem keen to do. You’re a teacher so I’m sure your planning skills with regards to the kids are already great so definitely use that at home.

hugs to you, I hope things improve.

Honestly, I think that if your art it’s important to you, you need to carve out time for it. If I’m writing, I say ‘Do not interrupt me unless it is an actual emergency. You know where the makings of lunch sandwiches/beans on toast etc are’. I am in my study.’ And I’m deadly serious.

A lot of people will read your post and feel like your life is idilic. 3 kids, nice house, warm country, both working etc.

Just live your life and enjoy what you have. You are just time poor at the moment but that will change in time. X

Change your mindset with regard to chores. You are not getting them to 'help' with chores, you are getting them to do their fair share and clear up after themselves. The older ones can make the three of them some sandwiches if they are all hungry, and they can all muck in with washing-up and tidying afterwards.

I know that getting them to step up and do stuff is a chore in itself and makes more work for you to start with, but it will pay off in the end, I promise you.

They are old enough to tidy their own belongings, make their own beds, put their laundry in the basket, set & clear the table, and load & unload the dishwasher & washing machine.

If there's a shop within reasonable walking distance, send the three of them there on the pretext of needing something. Hand them a few quid and a carrier bag, and tell them they can buy an ice cream each while they are out as well. That should give you some peace and quiet for a while.

There’s no amount of well meaning advice from strangers that will replace having a village to raise your children. I’m in the same boat too. It’s a hard slog! Unless you have done it yourself, no one will understand so there’s just absolutely no point wasting your time and energy trying to express it to them.

You need a break that’s the top and bottom of it. Can you send them to summer camp? That’s a short term solution, you need to carve out some time each week for yourself. Like you have a sat morning where husband takes the kids to the park or beach or whatever for a set amount of time then you do the same for him on a Sunday afternoon or whatever works for your family.

Do this urgently before you burn out and end up having a breakdown.

Please do not compare yourself to the other woman - she may have parents looking after the kids 3 days a week, or she maybe not doing housework or she may not be that bothered whether he kids are entertained or not! Social media is awful at fuelling are own worries or insecurities.

You are a great mum!

But you need time for you.

My sister (who is also a teacher) books the kids into a sport/ holiday/ dance club one day a week - just so she can do the things that are important to her. Is that a possibility?
I used to have one of the girls who worked at the school nursery come to mine 3 days a week when they were little 2 1/2 of those days I was working but my afternoon on my own to go swimming was a lifesaver. I had absolutely no help either from family etc.

I used to do each child a snack box for the day that they could eat at any time - strawberries/ blueberries, small cucumbers, babybel, crisps, some biscuits etc.
I outsourced cleaning- I let it slide a bit in the holidays, then paid for someone to come in and blitz in early september.
I don’t iron anything so that was easy to let go 😀
What else can the kids help you with? Is there a small incentive e.g and ice cream or a little bit of money.

Good luck x

Honestly, it is hard work. I've only 2 and they're hard work. Yes they help with chores and entertain themselves a bit but they still need a lot of input, food, washing, breaking up fights/arguments, booking days out, remembering activities.
I did see a "boredom" jar you make at the beginning, you all fill put slips of paper of easy activities and then put them all in the jar to pull out when they're bored and need ideas. I'd also have a massive drawer of acceptable help themselves snacks they know is always available and a fruit bowl and then basically say "never ask me for a snack again". I'm also getting my 9 yr old to make his lunches this summer, it's only sandwiches or wraps but saves me a job and gives him independence.
If you can afford a babysitter or cleaner, it does take a massive load off. Also just lower your standards, my washing basket is overflowing right now and both kids rooms are tips, it'll be a pain till Sept when I'll deal with it!

Well part of your answer to how she does it is one less child! Having 3 is significantly more work than having 2. It's not just the 50% more food to cook, washing, mess to clear etc. It's also doubles the number of relationships between children you need to manage and means you can find yourself needing to be in three places at once, rather than 2, with still only 2 parents to manage it between.

It is full is full on, especially with no family support (we have none either). My only advice is to lean into it and enjoy as much as you can with them because they'll be grown before you know it. Don't look at it as giving up on your own thing, just put it on hold for a few years until things get less busy again. In a few years you'll have a house full of teens spending time in their rooms or off with friends doing stuff and you'll have more time to yourself again.

Just want to say that it sounds to me like you are smashing it. You have active, happy, sociable kids. If you need the downtime to just rest then so what?

Having no support at all will be making a big difference from anyone else you're comparing yourself to.

You've got careers, are keeping afloat and even managed a renovation. You really are doing great, prioritise self care when you do get a bit of time off and the art will slowly find a place again.

Your youngest is 8, therefore old enough to amuse themselves. I am going to suggest you’re one of those forever finding something to do mums.
I had a friend like you, couldn’t understand how I could do things, when she couldn’t.
But, she would come around to my house with her kids and couldn’t understand why it was always cluttered with toys, she couldn’t relax, always wanted to go check what her kids where doing with my kids upstairs and was an absolute fidget.
Her home was immaculate, not a thing out of place and as her kids grew older, they spent more time at my house during the school holidays, than at hers. I used to dress them in my boys stuff, as she wasn’t to happy about them getting dirty at my house. (My garden was huge and had swings, a slide, a treehouse and we had a dog). At any one time I had at least 10-15 kids all having fun, in the back garden.
While the kids played I had my sewing machine and an abundance of hobbies on the go.
Meanwhile, if I went to her house, I would catch her forever cleaning, at one time even using furniture polish in the toilet bowl.
Her major complaint was how do other people have time for hobbies, time for themselves?.
On many occasion, my response was because we are not all slaves to the home, there is more to life than keeping the dust at bay, that a day not cleaning is not a major crime!.
I think you should stop and evaluate how you use your time, if anyone outside of your family and in your family notices your hard work.
Making time for yourself, does mean not being a wife or mother for an hour or two, it also means you put some trust in your kids and your partner, to be able to do your own thing.

They probably don't. I used to think this. My house was always a tip. I always felt on the brink of chaos and other people swanned around, seeming so effortless. then one day I bumped into a school mum at the train station, on my way to so something with the Dc and she said with real feeling: 'I always see you out and about doing so much with your children.' Like she thought she was failing. And I realised - having fun with Dc came naturally to me, so I did a lot of it and it never occurred to me that this was an effort or used up my energy. It was just something that happened a lot. But keeping on top of the housework or trying to ignore their presence while WFH during the holidays doesn't come naturally at all so I struggled and felt like `i failed at that. The other mum struggled to find the energy to go out and about with her children but her home was way more organised than mine. No one is a perfect supermum. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. But we notice what other people do better than us, not what we excel at.

As a teacher who also does a bit of art on the side, I find I need to physically go somewhere to draw or paint (print making would be even harder!)

I go on weekend art courses occasionally and attend an art class in the summer term when my teaching load reduces due to exam classes.

Plus that way you're not in the house doing that teacher thing where the academic year flies by and you see the heap of decluttering/house refurb/overflowing cupboard shite...

I hear what you're saying about the cost of living but maybe ask for a contribution to this stuff in lieu of birthday/Christmas gifts.

I've only got one kid so I can see why your time vanishes.

Book out some of it FOR YOU.

@Cinaferna's last line is very wise!

Also, stay off social media or at least mute the feed of the person you're comparing yourself to.

Thank you so much for this , I’m late 30’s so it’s possible for sure. I’ve often thought I might be depressed at times but drag myself a bit out of it through exercise.
Your post has really helped me as anyone I know on antidepressants just can’t seem to get off them and then get even more lethargic so I worry about that really . Your response really helps. I need to consider this .

I hear you on this , I’ve had this a lot but the main reason is my kids are extremely active and live wires (always have been ) so staying at home all day makes them agitated and difficult (obviously the older one does a lot of their own activities with friends now) so I’m out and about a lot.
People assume we are always active and doing stuff in what I think sounds like a positive way but in actual fact they would just fight at home if they’re a lot . Also I’ve got no family to help or even spend time with me so either I or my dh are with them all the time.
I hate mess though and our house isn’t huge so this can look like an absolute state if things aren’t tidied up so we are often tiding a lot and our boys are all very tall and the impact on the house is so much more than when they were small.
You are right though , I don’t know how things are in other houses !

Thank you. Really helpful , I love the idea of the jar as it’s their ideas ! Honestly where we live young people /old people whoever are just not interested in babysitting! There’s no babysitting website and I’ve asked many a friend of a friend.
Honestly we have tried , we did have a teenager who was around 18 so not too young but the kids were literally on screens the entire time I went out which was hours and hours and yes I told her I didn’t want this for the entire 5 hours etc.
Summer camps are also scarce here and often just 3 hours long !! So by the time I drop off..
It is what it is, I do manage time well I think. I think I’ve burnout, I’m tired. I was just taken aback by the amount of work this woman produced (she was in university with me) and she also has kids! I felt like why can’t I do even a bit of this !

Thanks for this,what ages are your kids ? Do they just do this and not interrupt you ?

This is it exactly, there’s so much that gets left to the house to sort when I’m off but then my kids are also all off so …

I agree with this 💯, it’s a completely diff world and experience if you have any family support vs absolutely nothing.

I love this post, it gives me hope. I get frustrated with the why I can’t do more but I honestly feel like im keeping my head above water most days but maybe im just more easily tired than others etc

My mother is an artist and my sister and I would certainly not have interrupted her...

But if you're even asking, you don't have that kind of relationship with your kids (I don't either - the 2020s are v different to the 1970s...) so you'll probably need to do the art out of the house.

I had one child, precisely so as to minimise the disruption in my life. He’s now 13, and realises I’m perfectly serious about not being interrupted. If I’m at my desk, it better be an emergency.

Tell me your child doesn't have ADHD without telling me.

I've got a lock on the inside of the office door (obviously only use it if DH is in).