How do you know if you're a good person

[dayslikethese1]

I'm worried I'm not. Does anyone else worry about this and how do you think we can do better?

😂I don't know why that tickled me. It's the last thought I would have had reading that comment, but also so true.

I think I’m a good person. I don’t steal or cheat and tell only tiny white lies, and that’s usually to save someone’s feelings.
I don’t think I’m perfect at all. There was a period in my life many years ago where I made some questionable decisions and still regret them to this day. But I have learnt from that and never repeated that behaviour.
At my funeral I’d like to think people would say ‘she was a good person, a loving wife and mom, caring daughter and loyal friend’
Thats how I’d certainly describe all the people I hold dear. Perhaps we flock to those that mirror our behaviours?

I agree justtry I'd want ppl to say that at my funeral or at least to say I wasn't an arsehole😅

Search up moral perfectionism and see if it rings a bell. I stressed out for years, sobbed, about every mistake, felt horrendous guilt and shame. Worried I was horrible.

I wasn’t. I made human mistakes. It was only after I made one really, undeniably bad mistake that I had to learn that our mistakes don’t make us bad people. They make us complex human beings - all of whom exist in the grey not white or dark.

Youll make more mistakes that have bad effects on you and others. All you can do it learn from them and try not to repeat the same mistakes again. And try to do good as well.

Yep that rings a bell newbie When I was a child I used to worry about my bad thoughts even. I don't do that anymore but some things still keep me up at night occasionally. I think I could work on the doing good part, as a practical positive action, rather than just avoiding bad if that makes sense. Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

We all have our own definition of what a good person is.

I generally treat people how I'd like them to treat me, own up to my mistakes, make an effort to see things from beyond just my own point of view, and above all be honest with others, and myself.

I don't always get it right, but I don't think anyone does.

We are all judgemental in our heads. It’s how we decide how we feel about things, what and who we like. If you are concerned whether or not you are a good person then you probably are, or it wouldn’t bother you. But good people aren’t good all the time, that would be a perfect person

How have you arrived at the notion that you aren’t good enough and need to do better?

I think there is something insidious about the whole be better/be your best self ideology. And it is a way to make your life miserable.

I try to leave situations better than I found them and if I do judge (which is natural) then I don’t show it or say it to people.

I think it’s about wanting the best for others. We have something in AA called the Just For Today card which encompasses a kind way of living (you’re not expecting to do everything every day, just to try). I think the fact you’re questioning it is positive in itself - people who proclaim that they’re a good mother/friend/daughter … always remind me of Prince Andrew telling us how honourable he was.

I've just listened to Margaret Atwood's book of short stories, Stone Mattress, she is so good at writing about people's evil private thoughts and opinions. Worth a read or listen. I got it from my local library.

I treat others as I would like to be treated myself. I put my ds' needs before my own. I give my time volunteering, over the years, a search & rescue team, a youth club and a parish council.

And I try to have as much fun as possible while doing as little harm as possible.

Hopefully that makes me a nice person, but if it doesn't, I don't have any spare energy for anything else.

That's a lot of volunteering meadow 🙂

It’s an interesting question. Aristotle thought that a good person was a person who lived a worthwhile life.

in this sense we have what we might call the boundaries of moral action- which is largely what people would recognise from the 10 commandments- don’t murder, don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t be jealous, don’t have affairs.

but this is just the limitations on action- no action that constitutes these can be something that contributes to a worthwhile life. Within this “field of play” we then need to make decisions about what we want to do to arrange our lives such that they are worthwhile. Which means we need to set goals that are good in themselves, and then pursue rational action to achieve those goals.

He then goes to consider what might be considered worthwhile in itself, is it money? Honour? Pleasure? Each of these he in turn examines and dismisses as limited in so far as they are fundamentally good for something else, rather than good for themselves.

Aristotle’s solution is that a contemplative life is the life that is worthwhile in itself- a life spent considering what is true, good, one and beautiful. My own view is that a life must be spent on self-sacrifice of some kind. We have one life, and have to spend it in some way, and so I hope that by choosing to be a parent and sacrificing myself for my spouse and children, to discover by this life my own limitations and selfishness (nothing will show your own selfishness like kids) and work to overcome them.

So- are you a good person? what are you pursuing in your life? Something that you consider good in itself, however perfectly or imperfectly you do this, or something that is a transitory good?

I would say that the very fact that you're worrying about whether you're a good person almost certainly means that you are one. Nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws and possibly traits that aren't so good, but your desire to be a good person is the biggest sign that, for the most part, you probably are a good person.

I have friends and family who think a lot of me. I volunteer. I love animals and care for numerous pets. I can be an arse but overall I think I’m generally a good person.

Because you care whether or not you're a good person.

I have to say I disagree. I don't think goodness is about just worrying inside yourself about things. That feels like a real cop out and pretty self-focused. If Hitler worried about what he was doing, would be be good? Obv not. I think it matters what you do. Nobody here is Hitler; we are all ordinary, so it's harder to see, but we can think about it in terms of a good parent, maybe.

Lots of shit parents think they are good (dads) because they "love their kids". But what they mean is they have an internal feeling of loving them. The kids don't actually benefit from this internally felt sense of love. It doesn't mean they feed their kids or pay for them or pick them up from school or read them bedtime stories. But a good parent, they do these things. They also feel love and worry about fucking things up, sure, but the important thing is that they show up for the kid. They do things.