A bit upset about DC's relationship with grandparents?

[LotsTrt]

I don't want to go into too much detail because this is a hot topic for us at the moment and I don't want to be too identifiable.

I've got young DC who adore my PILs. PILs don't seem particularly interested. This is despite me repeatedly inviting them round to see DC and trying to make plans. We all get on well, they live round the corner, no reason not to be more involved. They're always too busy.

DH's brother has similar age DC of his own. PILs see them regularly. Offer regular childcare during the week. We thought they may be able to help us out with a day of childcare too but they said no as they're already looking after BIL's kids.

Ultimately I can't make them want to see us. I certainly don't expect childcare, though it stings a bit that we're not getting any help in this way when BIL does. It's more the inequality that hurts. And not for me, but for my poor DC who absolutely adore their grandparents. They're only little now so don't really know what's going on, but my heart breaks thinking about how they'll feel when they can see how differently they're treated. They're going to have a totally different relationship with their grandparents compared to their cousins. It's already quite obvious now.

Before anyone asks; no, there's no backstory. DH gets on really well with his parents. Helps them out a lot. Our children are sweet and well behaved. I honestly cannot work out why things are as they are. It's just very sad. As it stands, PILs haven't seen DC in over a month and have no plans to see them anytime soon. My older DC asks to see them constantly. My littlest DC is very, very young and changing all the time, so they're really missing out on her life.

My parents can't get enough of DC and want to see them as often as possible. It really highlights how uninvolved DH's parents are.

How to work through this without starting to resent PILs?

Bump

Did your DH’s brother’s kids come first?

I have a similar grievance with my PILs and I sympathise. We’re definitely in resentment territory now which is a shame as pre-kids we got on pretty well.

In my case, PILs are definitely interested, do provide childcare and ask to see the DC regularly so it’s hard to properly articulate the issue on here but let’s just say there’s obvious favourites. In our case, the favourites are the ones who came first.

I imagine that PILs have noticed our relationship has soured but in a bid to keep things civil I’ve kept quiet about why. DH is also bothered by the situation and has tried to have a diplomatic word but no success yet. Sometimes I think letting it all blow up and blow over would be better than the growing resentment and distancing but we’ve not got there yet. In my family we’d have had an almighty row and made up by now but DH’s family aren’t the kind to have a fall out so I haven’t braved saying what I really think. I’ll be following the thread to see if anyone has any useful advice.

Yes, BIL had children first, ours followed very quickly after.

I really relate to what you're saying about wanting it to blow up and just getting it all out there. Like your DH's family, my PILs are the kind to sweep things under the carpet. They don't face things head on. I worry that over the years my relationship with them is really going to suffer. It's already going that way and it's early days. So very hard to know what to do.

How young are your children? How do they adore people they hardly ever see?

3 and 1.

Loads of children love family members they don't get to see often. I don't think that's particularly unusual. They know they're their grandparents and they get excited when they do spend time with them.

Are your BILs kids boys ? I agree with the pp that it’s a bit odd that your children adore them if they barely see them , however moving forward don’t say much about them and play them down a bit , it will be their own fault when they have little or no relationship with your children when they are a bit older . My in-laws hated me so they saw very little of our children when they were small and now they are adults they choose not to see MIL , who is their remaining grandparent , it’s her loss .

There is absolutely nothing you can do but protect your DCs. Both mine and DHs families favour our siblings children. With my family it’s easier I’m now totally NC so no issuers, DHs family is a bit harder. We’ve been relatively low contact for years but still attend most family get togethers each year, we started to let things slide thinking it’s ok dcs are happy but then some very obvious disparities in the way our DCs and other grandchildren were too much this year and upset our DCs so we have distanced ourselves again. It’s not just grandchildren but even the step-grandchildren who haven’t been around that long are treated better than ours.

we are back to making ourselves scarce and only avalible to see the grandparents without others around, our DCs at least get a bit of attention then but the moment anyone else is around our children don’t exists or are literally an afterthought even if they are sat right there.

i would stop making an effort, don’t make contact first, don’t invite them to things, let them come to you and if they don’t that’s their loss. Your DCs will get use to them not being around. I know it’s hard, both DH and I had amazing relationships with our grandparents, we wanted that too but now know our grandparents filled the gap our parents had left wide open.

I have had to accept that my IL’s prefer SIL’s children, primarily her eldest. My MIL once even said “she’s the favourite” in front of me. They are very close to her, I agree, however they fail to see they’re close to her because they made the effort. I can clearly put all 5 grandchildren them in order of preference. My DS is the only boy, so has a special place, but they barely know either of DH’s girls.

My own parents are very close of my DC and I think that might have an effect. You say your IL’s are close with BIL’s DC and your parents are close with your DC. What about the relationship between BIL’s DC and their maternal grandparents? Maybe they see themselves as ‘primary’ grandparents to BIL’s family but ‘secondary’ in your family. If you see what I mean.