Absolute WANKIEST estate agent speak

[LaurieFairyCake]

This is my absolute favourite so far:

”…. enriched by the intrigue of a 25 year lease”

every time I see this I do literally laugh 😆

Seeing your second word made me think that you were about to nominate a male estate agent for his 'self-love'.

Fuck me that is terrible.

“Enriched”. What the actual…
Im pissed enough at a kitchen being “enhanced by a range of fitted kitchen units”. What the f would someone expect to find in a kitchen in this day and age. It’s not 1950 when a Fitted Kitchen was something new, rare and desirable. And by the way the house was a dooerupper and the Fitted Kitchen was from around 1980….and certainly not a good feature.

The translation is ‘No one is going to want this property with a 25 year lease, so we need to make it sound a marvellous opportunity, but we know that anyone with a modicum of sense won’t be taken in.’ It’ll cost to extend the lease as well.

‘Enhanced’ by a fitted kitchen, love it. I’ve also seen a ‘range of interesting features’ to describe one of those hideous stone clad fireplaces and that mock pine panelling in a 70’s house.

Oh! pine panelling, a modern terrace house with wall to ceiling knotty pine, (cheap), and a bar, 1970sThey bought the house new.

"This utterly picturesque village"

Used to describe the village I live in. It's not bad, don't get me wrong, but it's an old pit village in NE England that now also has hundreds of newbuilds all around it and coppers screeching up outside our local Spar shop every night There are no chocolate box thatched cottages here for sure.

Saw this one recently....not sure I've ever been caressed by a smell before!

The smell 😱😱😱

Surrounded by mature gardens. Indeed the prince in Sleeping Beauty would be put off by the brambles.

Our village is apparently a picturesque bucket and spade it's really not it's ok few months a year the rest of the time the prom in user the sea, it's blowing a gale and you need to clean the sand of your windows, car and teeth more frequently than you could believe.

Ds1 is trying to buy his first home. He has a reasonable budget, a mortgage in principle and a great credit score. He is looking at around a 25 mile diameter circle, obviously has his preferences but wants to be in ASAP.

The estate agents may be using wanky language to describe properties, but they would sell them better if they post decent photographs= yes we want to see inside the built in cupboards for mold, yes we want to see around corners to look at plug sockets etc, but most of all, we want you to pick up the bloody phone when we call it, return our calls if you are not able to answer it, and/ or respond to bloody emails.

I never want to live somewhere where things ooze.

And you just know that estate agent speak is going to get a lot worse once they’ve fully recruited AI to ‘help’.

Every house listed these days seems to be 'nestled' 🙄

And “charming”

The current in-word round here for estate agents seems to be ‘sleek’. Used to describe kitchen tiles, anything really. For some reason the word makes me think of sea lions.

I remember the good old days when 'deceptively spacious' was the best they could come up with.😂

"nestled" = hemmed in on all sides by other properties.

"visually striking interior" = bring your sunglasses and migraine medication with you to the viewing, because the wallpaper will blow your mind.

"decor oozes understated sophistication" = they spent ££££ on everything they could find in HomeSense that was either white or chrome.

Viewed a house this week where a large kitchen storage cupboard (with rising damp) was described as a ‘wine cellar’ 😂. Needless to say we did not make an offer!