Help with toddler discipline

[L0singtheplot]

I'm actually so frustrated even writing this that I'm on the verge of tears.

Ds 2.5 is generally a wonderful, lovely wee boy but I am actually losing my mind with discipline. It just feels like I am CONSTANTLY correcting him on something or telling him no. He listens to nothing. Today has been particularly bad and I've been scratched to the point of bleeding, hit, kicked and he's bitten me repeatedly leaving bruising. He's listened to sweet FA I've said today, any time I've asked him to stop something or to do something it's like he's deaf, he just laughs and runs away or he just shouts no.

I just don't even know where to go with it anymore. I'm generally pretty capable I think, I'm very loving towards him, i try not to give a big reaction to his behaviour unless it's something deserving of it, try to keep a fair balance between being fun and giving him freedom and telling him no. I also consider how I tell him no so I'm keeping my boundaries without the word losing meaning. I try to help him reflect on how he's impacting other people. I try to help him regulate with breathing and directing his energy etc into other things, he gets plenty of outdoor time, time away from screens and I limit the amount of sugar he gets because there's a very clear correlation between poorer behaviour and when he's eaten more sugar. I engage with him loads, we play together and have fun and plenty of quality time. But I just feel like I'm hitting such a brick wall with getting him to listen to me and I feel like a broken record and the worst of it is I end up really dysregulated myself eventually.

I think it especially worries me because I'm a lone parent so I'm very aware I need to be on top of his discipline and to be consistent (I'm definitely good at being consistent) but it scares me how little impact it seems to be having. Any time I try to tell him off or explain that he's not allowed to do something and why he just laughs like it's a game. It has zero impact.

I try to be reasonably 'gentle' with my parenting while also keeping clear boundaries, holding consequences for behaviour and saying no when I need to but today I've ended up sitting him on a time out twice in sheer frustration because I feel like nothing is landing with him and the biting and hurting me had got to a point I couldn't tolerate it any more. He would be stopped, told off, apologise and then immediately repeat it again.

I just don't know what else to do at this point for the best and I am exhausted.

What kind of things are you having to constantly say no to?

What caused him to hit / scratch etc?

It's like he gets really wound up all of a sudden and then he needs to put that somewhere. It feels like it comes out of nowhere sometimes. The first time he bit and scratched me was when I was trying to dress him this morning and it's not like he was angry and trying to hurt me necessarily, it's more like a real frustration arrives and he wants to squeeze something. I've tried to teach him to jump/clap his hands/ stomp his feet or squeeze a teddy before so its redirected away from me/ other people but that only works when I catch him about to do it and can stop him in time, otherwise all i can do is try to catch his arms while he tries to get at me. This he thinks is a game even though I'm being firm and clear what I'm doing and why.

Sometimes it seems like it's him trying to play and get a reaction being silly and he's laughing. The most difficult time every day is bedtime, he always lashes out then even though we have a really nice consistent routine that's aimed at getting him wound down for bed and he does lots of running about time before to get his wiggles out. Bedtime last night took 2.5hours of him just unable to wind down. Tonight we're an hour in to bedtime and he asked me to pick him up for a cuddle earlier and I did because leaving him to settle wasn't working and he cuddled in for a bit and then just turned round and bit me hard.

Things I'm constantly saying no to are when he's taken to running away when we're out together, trying to hit or chase our dog, deciding to pour his milk out over his dinner/ the table/ the floor instead of drinking it or leaving it in the cup, if he's going to touch something dirty or unsafe, asking for screen time or trying to get him to slow down/stop if he's running - usually because he's not looking where he's going or he's going faster than I know his feet will take him. But mainly its being rough. I give a lot of positive reinforcement as well and sometimes I try to frame my no as a yes eg, he doesn't want to leave the park - "if you liked the park we can come back another day" instead of just "no you can't play more" or and that generally works fairly well. I feel like I'm painting him badly with all that, he's usually a good child and will for the most part play nicely with friends and help tidy up and likes having 'helpful' jobs to do about the house etc but today was just particularly rough towards me in particular.

No advice but solidarity. My 2.10 year old has all of a sudden started acting out. I can do everything possible but as he can't speak it's hard to make him apologise if you see what I mean. Really hoping it's a phase and will pass🤞

Reframe it. I try not to say no and use not now instead. Mummy can I have this? Yes but not today, we don't have enough money, shall we save our pennies up in a big jar so we can buy it?

If I want him to do something, I act like he's already done it. So pick up your toys becomes Chuck those back in the box DS, well done, you're so grown up, I can't believe you're already tidying up for yourself. Where did my tiny baby go!

Positive reinforcement doesn't work with defiant children.

If it's time to leave the park and he's kicking off you simply say "that's enough, we're leaving now" and carry him away if necessary.

What do you do when he's physical with you?

I generally do use a lot of positive reinforcement and I feel like reframing the no works really well in certain situations, like when it's time to leave the park I can head it off before he reacts by doing that so he's usually happy enough to go.

It's probably the running off and the physical roughness that's harder because I feel like I need to be very direct about those because they're safety issues.

If he's physical towards me I will see him about to do it and give him a clear warning "we do not hit kick etc" firm but neutral tone of voice. He'll then continue with the behaviour and I'll say "stop I don't like that, that hurts" because I've always tried to drill it into him that if someone doesn't like what he's doing he needs to stop but also if someone hurts him that's what he needs to say out loud. And then I'll restrain his arms or legs by just stopping them connecting with me and say "I will not let you hurt my body, you are not allowed to hit/ kick etc" and he'll start to laugh and I'll say "look at my face, my face is cross and sad you need to stop" and then when he continues I'll either set him down or move him to break it and get down to his level and tell him very firmly that he's not allowed to hurt anyone and noone is allowed to hurt him. That he needs to say sorry and that he needs to show me gentle hands, which he'll do and then I'll say ok now remember do not do that again. And I'll give him a hug and we'll move on and generally that resolves it for quite a while, but today was just that on repeat and then escalated to biting so I put him on a time out spot for 3 minutes and then went back to him and explained why he was there.

I always try to stay calm but when it's so repeated I do start to feel like I'm losing my temper in which case I'll put him in his cot and leave the room for a few seconds until I've collected myself.

My other issue is he's very very big for his age (not overweight, he's in proportion he's just a big lad) so even though he's the youngest in his group at nursery he's the tallest by a good bit and I'm very aware that if he acts this way with other kids not understanding his strength he could really hurt them.

Nothing useful to offer but you sound like you’re doing great, it’s just so rough sometimes