Writing a What to Do When I'm Dead book.....

[UnbelievablyStressed]

Going through absolute hell trying to administer mums estate after she died. Today I spent all day boxing her things (she has a large house) with no help from sibling. I've done it all...probate, IHT, funeral, maintenance of house and garden....it's been awful.

I'm determined to make the process as easy as possible for DS when the time comes for me to shuffle off this mortal coil. So firstly I'm going to look into a prepaid direct cremation. I'm going to have a massive declutter and list just a few things that I'd like preserved for future generations. I'm going to write a book with everything he'll need to get through the process.

What else do I need to think about?

Write a will and letter of wishes. Get it done officially and lodged at solicitors.
passwords for accounts written down
Someone to have health and money power if attourney for you
Im sure there are other things.
CAB could probably tell you

There are other options to a prepaid direct cremation. Can I suggest you discuss this with your DS? He may want a funeral to be able to say goodbye. You can organise and pay for that in advance as well.

My dad had a document box with everything we'd need inside. He told me that when his time comes i just need that box. He died unexpectedly from a heart attack last summer and it did make things easier.
Will, title deeds, bank accounts, pension. Everything was in there.

First, I am sorry for your loss - and the distress of having to do it all. Been there so understand.

But please give your family a few options on the funeral. The direct funeral can be very harsh/distressing for those left behind - less opportunities to mourn and less control over attending if they want to. In our experience direct cremation had to take place between 8 and 9 , before the "proper funerals". There was also no expectation that we would be there - we had to fight to find out the date - and then there was a long wait for a date, as there were so few slots available. It took weeks). So you could say something like I have prepaid a direct cremation and don't expect any fuss or bother from you, but if you want to get together and raise a glass or two, this is my favourite song/poem/picture of us all.

My mum did that. Right down to the picture she wanted on the funeral programme, the music, who should read and what to wear. She wanted a big send off and she had a huge circle of friends so a direct cremation wouldn't have been right for her.
The house however was a different matter. I did all the estate admin, probate, sold the house etc.
I definitely don't want to leave clutter for the DC so I have done a lot. You can't get rid of everything though, and none of us knows how long we have.
We did LPA and put the DC down as attorneys years ago. A will of course. A document with all your financial details, a list of passwords, list of utility providers. We've done all that and also made sure one of the DC understands it all.

I agree with @Notquitegrownup2 re not being too prescriptive.

Funerals are for those who are left behind, and many, many people get comfort from that rite of passage.

I think the most important things to do is to encourage talking openly, as a family, about the sorts of things you would quite like. But you should all talk openly and many times of (hopefully) years to come, about what EACH of you would like done in terms of things like organ donations, and possible 'dnr' requests. Not legally binding but makes relatives decisions easier if ever the time comes.

On a practical "What about the next few weeks" basis - these days, most life admin is done on the internet, so password access is helpful.

I've not got round to it myself, but I sometimes think I should write a list of all the people that write to me / know of my existence (in case I move house as much as dying).

Information about pensions and accessing in work benefits is something to write in the 'book' too.

AgeUK Lifebook gives you a lot of the guidance you need for this.

My dad had a death folder ready for me with his will, funeral plan etc in. He’d even seen the vicar about the order of service. My other relative who I’ll be executor for when the time comes, has sent me a copy of the will and shown me where she keeps all her life admin in her house.

I Think a page per section of what’s needed for the IHT/probate forms would help.
And info on all the household bills, so many are paperless now that it’s not easy to work them all out when the bank can be quick to block access to online banking.

Local house clearance firms (and letting them know you’re fine with them making things as easy as possible on themselves).

I started mine 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and DH and I have just bought a pre-paid funeral plan each. We chose the option which includes a simple funeral - although my DH was all for just being sent off to the crematorium without anyone there - until I pointed out that the funeral wouldn't be for him, it would be for the people he left behind.

I have cleared out my 'stuff' and got rid of a huge amount of junk. We have both made wills. I have made a list of how to disperse my personal possessions, things that aren't worth putting in my will. We both have a box file with all the necessary paperwork/information in. I have written down everything my executor will need to know when I'm dead. Who my life insurance is with, the policy number, the telephone number to ring. What to do about electricity bills, council tax etc. How to contact my employers pension scheme and the information they will need. If my DH is gone before me, the name of my solicitor and how to contact them, how to register my death. I have printed out the information on probate, inheritance tax (there shouldn't be any), that sort of thing.

I am working on the assumption that whoever has to deal with things when I die will be paralysed with grief. I know my DH would go completely to pieces, my local daughter will definitely not be able to cope, and the burden will probably fall on the daughter who lives 6 hours away. With that in mind, we are going to have the discussion with my daughters, when they are next both with us, as to what our plans are and who will be our executor. My DH is not the father of my children and has his own daughter, but he has chosen to appoint my daughter as his executor as he knows it will be a task too far for his own, both in miles and emotionally. He needs to have that discussion with her

We are both elderly and not in particularly good health so it is sensible to get everything in place. I have also had to act as executor for both of my parents so I know just how awful it can be, and just how difficult it is when you are grieving. You also need to bear in mind that if you appoint joint executors there may be clashes of opinion and perfectly loving, reasonable people can act very out of character when they are grieving. Hence making sure our wishes are very very clear and appointing a sole executor. They can, of course, choose to delegate their tasks to a solicitor if it is too much for them.

My mother had left detailed instructions for her funeral and how she wanted her personal possessions dispersed, and a folder with all the necessary paperwork, but I still had to negotiate the quagmire of arranging her funeral.

My MIL arranged her own funeral with a pre-paid funeral plan as soon as she was given her terminal cancer diagnosis. She had very little in the way of personal possessions to leave and nothing anyone was going to fight over, so that part wasn't a problem. It was so much easier to deal with the immediate aftermath of her death, knowing that we didn't need to make any of the arrangements or decisions.

We have tried to do both, arrange our funerals in advance, and sort out our wishes for what to do with our possessions. We want to make things as easy as we can for those we are leaving behind.

I've done this. .am mid 60s and although I had everything in place since I was 55, had to redo it due to death of ds.
My will is quite complicated but up to date. Dd and dh both know my wishes...direct cremation and ashes in certain places. They are in full agreement.
All my financial stuff is together and my pension in trust for dd.
I think a key thing is talk with your loved ones so there are no surprises

I've sold off dribs and drabs of shares and rationalised some of my savings accounts. But I'm one of those people who is always opening new ones / moving my ISAs for better interest rates and always switching utility suppliers so it's hard to keep up to date lists unless you remember to update it each time. I may slow down on some of this as I get older though, I'm only in my 50s now.

As regards the house and contents, having had to clear more than one house myself, I’m going to tell dds to take anything they may want*, and then get a house clearance firm in - well worth the money IMO.

*I will also leave a list of anything valuable, to remove or at least clearly label first.

A DSis organised a house clearance firm for our aunt. We hadn’t thought there was anything at all valuable, but DSis was present at the time, and saw them take more than a passing interest in a painting that had been wrapped in brown paper and stored behind a chest of drawers. She vaguely recognised it from our GM’s house, and because of the evident interest, had it valued. It turned out to be by quite a well known Victorian artist, and fetched over £9k at auction.

Look into ‘Swedish death cleaning’ and you can also but a book called ‘ it’s your problem now.’ 🤣

There’s a book you can buy called The Death Book (Google it) which has pages to set out all of the relevant information about finances, funeral wishes, etc. It’s about £12.

A very organised former employee and friend who moved to be nearer he family left a list of people to be advised of her death and contact details. Seems like a good idea to me.

Such a good idea.
Will look to do similar.
Don't have a will though, house is rented and less than 10 grand in savings which I hope to pass onto adult dds sooner.

I bought this recently. I haven't started filling it in yet, but will get it done then leave somewhere obvious.

I'm sorry for everyone who has lost someone close. I've just realised my post may be a little insensitive.
I love the idea of the book but my family are a bit weird and would see the funny side.

@MyNewRoom I just lost my dad and found your post amusing!

Don't have much to add to PPs advice. My dad was very organised. He left folders of info and lists of where important documents were. It is helping.

So sorry about your mum - I understand how hard it is, having sorted out my dad’s affairs after he died.

I’m starting to do this death book myself as I want to make everything as easy as possible for my children when I go and in addition to all the obvious th8ngs, I’m taking Polaroid photos of all my more valuable/meaningful things (jewellery, artworks, a couple of designer bags etc) along with a rough valuation, so that they don’t end up in a skip or in a job lot for the charity shop. I’m not sure my sons will want to go through everything, and nor do I want them to, but I would like to make sure that they’re aware.

I think it’s a great idea to get all this stuff sorted well in advance and to be pragmatic about it - it’s not like any of us is going to cheat death, after all. I really like those books - I think my sons would be able to see the funny side too.