Hope I am not being morbid. Back in 2020 I turned fifty and took a plan out for a cremation. From then on I have thought a lot about dying and what it will be like. I am single and don’t have children. I took out the cremation policy so that any surviving relative, mostly likely my younger sister, wouldn’t be left footing the bill. My mum is 81 and never mentions dying to me. I can see that she thinks about especially it if a well known person younger than her passes away.
My Dad died in 2007 of pancreatic cancer that was inoperable. They gave him two years to live in April 2006. He died in March the following year having just turned sixty. I will be that age in five years. It’s made me think about what it will be like and when it will happen. Cancer is a big thing in our family. It took my paternal and maternal grandmothers, my Auntie and my Dad. His side of the family don’t seem to live has long as my mum’s side. Both of her parents lived into their nineties,
Another reason I think about it is when someone of a similar age who I knew at school or know because they live in my village dies. In some cases they have passed away in the forties. I often think when will it be my turn and I hope it’s in my sleep.
i am catholic but I am not religious. The only time I have been to my parish church in recent years has been for a funeral. The last being my uncles in about 2009. I often think of calling in. I remember when Dad gothis terminal diagnosis. He phoned me. I knew he would because he had an appointment at the Linda McCartney Cancer Clinic at the Royal Liverpool Hospital. That day I was in Manchester City Centre and I called into a church there. It was a Church Of England one. I sat in a pew and cried. I often feel it would be something I would do when my mum passes. She won’t be buried there with my Dad, she also wants a cremation.
i suppose it’s part and parcel of aging. I have a chronic pain and fatigue condition. It has dramatically altered my life. I can’t work. I don’t go on holiday. I haven’t been out of our village other than for appointments in over five years. I suppose the way I feel is made worse by my lifestyle changes.
i will be speaking to a counsellor in due course for other reasons. I may just bring my thoughts about dying to them.
How do other people feel? Is it weird I feel/think this way?
Sorry about the length of this post. Thanks for reading and I wish everyone well.
Steph x
Photo is of my best friend. My chihuahua, Jack. He turned 3 on the 13th of July. I am a mum indirectly. I am a chihuahua mum and I love it!😂🐶💙