How do I stop being jealous?

[GreenAyedMonster]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we're early 40s and have two kids. Everything is in good order. Yet he has a (female) friend who I am jealous of. They've known each other since uni and she's just...that sort of perfect person, who is all of the things I'm not. We don't live in the same town as her, and she also seems to be happily married with kids. She and DH only see each other once every 3-6 months, they'll go for a couple of drinks and that's it. Occasionally we do something together with the kids and partners but mostly it's just them.

DH has describer her like a sibling. There was never anything romantic between them (going back more than 20 years at this point) and I don't have any reason to believe anything is happening now. And yet, if they're out together I find myself fretting and looking at the time and wondering where DH is. I'd like to not do this!

I don't have this with his other friends. I am well aware that people can carry on affairs whilst things seem fine at home. And that people can have fully platonic friendships with opposite sex friends (I have a few close male friends who I've never seen in a romantic light). And yet I also just can't let this one go. Is there a reason? Is it my intuition telling me something is going on? Am I just being absurd?

Any suggestions here appreciated. I don't like feeling so jealous and insecure. (I did have a boyfriend at uni who cheated and whilst it did give me a bit of a trust issue, it was also a uni relationship so not all that serious).

Don’t want to drip feed so will also add that I came from a very dysfunctional family, dad was always shagging someone else if he was even around at all. Also a drunk, which DH is not. But I reckon it’s made me prickly. And yet I still trust DH if he’s out with other friends or colleagues but this one person really makes me feel anxious and jealous.

I guess there’s two answers

comparison is the thief of joy - she’s not better than you

trust your gut - you’re even less likely to listen to your intuition if you’ve come from an abusive background. Maybe you have these strong feelings for a reason. Not necessarily an affair but questioning DH wishes/thoughts/intentions.

He presumably picks up on how you feel and isn’t changing his behaviour- regardless as to whether or not he’s cheated/cheating/physically or emotionally, he should be reassuring you.

I have been the ‘friend’ in this situation. I had a male platonic friend whose girlfriend hated me. We were just very different. He told me she was jealous of me and had a bee in her bonnet about our friendship. I knew he got stick if we met up, and I knew she regularly checked out my FB page. I could not have fancied him less, we were just matey and I just wanted to shout in her face ‘Look, he’s not my type, I couldn’t think of anything worse than having sex with him so just chill out’. But in the end I wrote every message as if she would read it, I never put kisses, I no longer included jokes that we shared as it was just to much stress. So over time it dwindled which is a shame, but I don’t want jealous women in my life, especially when there is no need to be.

Maybe cut them some slack.

Try and project the feeling that you have for your platonic male friends onto this relationship, rather than the more dysfunctional ones from your childhood. He chose you and is happy with you. She chose someone else, and is happy with them. If they had wanted to be together, they could have been - long before you and her OH came along. A few drinks a couple of times of year when they both come home to their own houses sounds like "catching up and laughing about old times" to me - it is what platonic friends do, and is fair enough. Equally, with your background, you are also not unreasonable to be worried and wary, so nobody is being unreasonable here - but I think you've got this, it's always going to be play on your mind, but, in the absence of any other flags, just personally, I'd try and chill out and let him enjoy a friendship he has had for a long time. xx

Have you had a discussion with your H about how his friendship with this woman makes you feel OP?

The going out for drinks, just the two of them, on a fairly regular basis does come over as rather date like. If your H knows it makes you feel insecure perhaps he could change their meet ups to something less intimate - day time coffee perhaps? Or perhaps there could be meet ups involving her H and yourself.

At the end of the day you are his wife and your relationship should take precedence over his friendship with this woman and he should be willing to do what he can to reassure you.