Friend in coercive controlling marriage

[PaxAeterna]

Has anyone been in a similar situation. I’m concerned about a friend. I realise now that over a long period of time; I have been pushed away. She no longer has her own bank account. She no longer works. She can’t have me around to the house anymore. After some worrying incidents I got in touch with her family who have similarly been pushed away and have similar concerns.

Any advice? I’m wary to push her too hard with questions as she has stopped speaking to any of her friends who have expressed concerns.

Coercive control is now against the law, you could report her partner to the police. If you're concerned about her reaction you can do it anonymously.

It's really difficult. I have experienced something similar.

I would urge you to stay 'in touch' - however loosely you are able. If you are right - and all things point in that direction - then her partner is counting on people giving up on her due to being pushed away/sidelined/ignored, but she needs outside contact - even if it's just waiting in the wings.

From experience, one thing that did work was just knocking on the door out of the blue and pretending nothing was wrong. A really jolly "Hi Joe - how lovely to see you! Was passing and just came to steal Amy for a quick coffee as she's been bloody impossible to get hold of on the phone!".

This is really hard for 'Joe' to deny and you might get a chance to get her alone and have a chat with her. And if you are able to get her into a conversation, even if she denies everything, there is nothing to stop you giving her some contact numbers and advice. Also telling her that you and her family suspect what is happening and you are all waiting to pick her up if she can find a way to leave...

And even if Joe makes an excuse, you can either put him on the spot and suggest coming in or make a jokey - well I'm round here again Friday so I'll pop back then. Tell Amy she's not wiggling out of it this time!".

I would say though, that if 'Joe' is openly hostile to you, don't push too hard. You don't want your friend to pay the price. But he will at least know that you have his number and this may give him pause.

And of course, you can speak to the police. Coercive control and financial abuse are both against the law.

Only you know the ins and outs of the situation, but just please don't abandon her - however hard she pushes. Thank you for caring enough to post.

As someone who was in an abusive marriage I would echo the pp above that genuinely keeping in touch with her is the most crucial thing you can do. Don’t let him cut her off and isolate her from other people who care about her.

It sounds like she’s not at a point yet where she can accept what is happening much less act on it so you’re right to be careful about what you say for now. A softly softly approach perhaps. Once you’ve built up some closeness and trust again she may confide in you or you may have the opportunity to point out where the relationship or his behaviour is abnormal, even just by looking shocked at something or saying something as mild as “that’s not ok” or “that’s not how things should be”.

I’d also say it may be helpful to gently challenge explanations for eg. bruises etc that you don’t believe. One of the things that really sticks in my mind even now (a “flashbulb” type moment) was a very sharp-eyed work colleague basically letting me know with her body language/tone that she wasn’t for a moment buying my excuse about banging into a door causing the fingerprint bruises on my arm (which I hadn’t even realised were there). And saying “ok but if your husband is grabbing you roughly while you are pregnant (which I was at the time), you know that’s not ok and I want you to know you can talk to me about it and I will help you”. I didn’t admit it to her at the time but it made me admit to myself how I’d got those bruises and face reality to a certain extent. It was a step along the path of waking up to the whole truth about my abusive husband and freeing myself from him. And I felt really loved and cared about, she wasn’t even a close work colleague, although I was still in a bit of denial at the time and never took her up on the offer, I will be forever grateful to her for illuminating the reality of my situation and volunteering to help me do whatever was needed to get me out of it.

Another “flashbulb” moment along that path was a friend saying that they were completely unsurprised that he had argued with me before I went out to meet her. Saying “of course he did”. And suggesting that he’d deliberately picked a fight with me in order to manipulate me into not going or at the least make sure that I didn’t enjoy it, would be acting withdrawn to the detriment of the friendship, or look super unattractive to any other me. I might come across while out due to all the crying. Probably all 3 of stopping me from going out altogether failed.

Thank you for caring about her enough to try to help. Just be there for her. That is more than enough.

Thanks all for sharing your experiences. I do get to see her alone but not for very long. Sometimes when I send her messages he replies to me pretending to be her (I can tell from the different ways he writes) and that was the final straw for me and when I contacted her parents. I actually drove miles to knock on their door because I had no other way to get in touch with them. They were very happy that I did though as they are also very worried.

I don’t think there is physical abuse. Financial absolutely and isolating her from all her friends and family.