Where do I start to get my life back on track…

[IdontknowwhatIamdoing1]

I drink too much. I vape too much. I then text men who I’ve dated / slept with asking for a booty call even though they aren’t interested and I just desperately want a relationship.

I eat crap. I am overweight, and I hate the way I look. I have no dress sense, no self confidence or self esteem.

I can’t break this cycle and I don’t know what to do.

I am not looking for sympathy, or maybe am I. I need some advice or words of wisdom on how to cut out these horrible unhealthy habits that are dominating my life.

I am early 30s, single (if you hadn’t already guessed) and feel like I am just throwing away the best years of my life.

Anyone…?

Ok, little at a time. Cut back on drinking, make sure you're eating healthily, delete these men's numbers.

Walking makes me happy, is there anywhere lovely nearby you can visit?

Well you can't break the cycle if you're trying to fix everything at once.
I would start with reducing your alcohol intake. Easier said than done, but that would solve the booty call issues, give you more energy and help you lose weight. That's where I would start. If you need help talk to your dr. There are medicines that they can prescribe to help you stop drinking if that is a problem.
In order to stop drinking so much though, you would need to replace it with something in order to break the habit - maybe going out for a swim or phoning friends for a chat etc at a time that you would normally drink.
You don't need to make huge changes. You don't need to fix everything at once. Tweaks are far more achievable. Alternatively you could focus on weight loss by joining a slimming group, which would also restrict the amount of alcohol that you can drink.

Motivation to do these things doesn't magically appear though. You have to force yourself to start the process. It's only when you start to make progress that you will be motivated to continue. Motivation then breeds more motivation. The NHS is also a great place to self refer yourself for mental health advice re low mood/self esteem/procrastination and motivation. They have some great apps online.

Good luck.

You have taken the first step by realising you want to change your life. Other replies are right about taking it step by step, but I think deleting and blocking any exes/hook ups is the first thing to do. Getting help for your drinking would be the next step as it leads to more issues and empty calories. Talk to your dr about stopping drinking, vaping and going on a diet. It is recommended you get a check up before doing any diet. Swap bad food for eaying some fruit, drink more water and walk to places you can instead of driving if you do drive. Find a hobby or 2, join a gym/exercise class etc to get out and feel motivated. You may feel overwhelmed, but admitting you need to change and are still young, is the path to changing. Good luck and do not berate yourself and some counselling would be beneficial for you too.

Thank you everyone 🥺

Give up alcohol.

Delete and destroy all the hook up call numbers in your possession.

What is your job?

Stop the drinking.

Everything else will be soooooo much easier if you do.

Check out Dr Alex George and Getting sober… again on YouTube.

Understand that a relationship won't bring you happiness as long as you yourself are in a fragile state. (And it will likely make you worse as you'll pick the wrong people and make bad decisions, which will only compound the downward spiral.) Delete these men's number on focus on yourself for a while. Actively remove yourself from the dating pool.

As people have said. Start with the little things.

Good sleep hygiene helps - bed at a regular hour, up at a regular hour. Shower daily. Put on clean clothes. Daily exercise also helps - I have always loathed exercise but it does genuinely help your mood. Even just a walk. Every time you make a good decision, however small, acknowledge this and see it as a small win. This might all sound obvious and patronising but small acts of self care are a good starting point. They help your body feel better and they help you realise that you are worth something. You are worth looking after.

The next step, identify some of the circumstances that put you at risk of destructive behaviours and try to tackle them. If you know you are likely to start drinking in the evenings if you are home alone, arrange to see friends, arrange an evening class, or the gym.

The longer term stuff is working on your mental health and self worth so you are happier. But it will be easier to take positive steps to sort this out once you've got a grip on the little things and feel more in control of the day to day.

You can do this, OP

This is self destructive, low self worth behaviour. Why do you feel this way about yourself?

I agree cut back on the booze, and spend the money you save on some therapy. When you love yourself more you’re likely to look after yourself better.

Giving up drinking is definately the start, but you also need to forgive yourself for the bad decisions you've made in the past. Getting drunk and looking for a booty call is damaging to your self-esteem, but you haven't hurt anyone. You need to be kind to yourself.

Try to be positive about the changes you're going to make - you're getting healthy, taking control of your life, taking up new interests etc.

Take a deep breath, and take one step at a time.

Regarding dress sense, get a style analysis done. This article talks through the different body shapes and what clothes suit which shape.

Alternatively, get a style analysis. There’s a few online companies whereby you send of photographs, answer questions etc and they advise you what to wear . I did it a few years ago, and it’s transformed my wardrobe (also overweight) and given me alot more confidence.

https://theconceptwardrobe.com

(And don’t wait until you’ve lost the weight, do it now and start living life).

last year I did a one month programme on line (nz coach) called ladies who thrive. Life changing. A month is easy, good eating, good exercise, up your skincare, stop drinking. A reset will totally set you up for success!
i wasted so many years on alcohol, bloated, ashamed, poor choices. The freedom of not drinking is incredible. I had a lot of help, I had a lot of issues. I’m so proud of who I have become in my 50s, o only wish I had sought help in my 30s.
i did stop the drinking around 11 years ago, the online programme I did was more for healthy living. Protein, fruit, vegetables, moving and exercising more, resetting sleep patterns. I lost 5kgs and was glowing at the end of it. A big group of ladies cheering each other along with a magical coach.

This.

Excellent ideas so far, especially quitting booze and exercising. You'll feel so much better just from those alone, honestly.

Your self worth and self esteem. Sheesh. You're a good person, give yourself some credit and respect. Treat yourself kindly, and forgive rather than berate and loathe yourself. Harness some inner strength and stick to one or two goals at a time so as not to make your aims too big and overwhelming.

More than anything though, kick booze and exercise.

Start TODAY.

You need to surround yourself with healthy, balanced people who have the traits that you want. It happens by osmosis.

No one transformed their life with a contacts book of loser men and people who vape and drink too much.

First step: find a local bootcamp/fitness class. Go. Go regularly. Gradually talk to people. Go to as many of the bloody things as you can commit to outside work.

I was in a similar rut, and going to a place regularly where there was healthy, disciplined people transformed my body, habits and social circle and confidence.

prioritising your health usually makes things fall into place

So sorry you are feeling like this OP. You are recognising the issues and that's a really good place to start.

One thing I would say is get help. Whichever way you want to start this, no one can do these things alone. I agree alcohol is the best start and you will need more than will power for that so get professional help. Throw out the alcohol. Identify your triggers and time of the day and make sure you are busy at that time. If you can master this you are half way there, then you can think about phase two.

Also I think you need to not have sex for a while, accept you will be celibate for a few months while you work on yourself. I think its really damaging your self esteem.

Accept you aren't going to have sex for a while and embrace that thought. Do that consciously. It'll be all the better when you go back to it and are having sex that you really want.

Sign up for something like a beginners running group - or swimming or yoga or anything.

Talk to a friend or relative - even better if they live near you and fix a date a week to see them for something sober like a walk. Admit you've got a problem.

Don't try and do it all at once.

Try and cook healthy lunches.

Also without sounding like a crazy person, i developed a weird strategy that helped me when I was really low and overweight. I would comfort myself and praise myself, sometimes almost like i was a child but out loud. Sometimes just muttering, depending on where I was, and sometimes to the mirror. For example going into a shop I might say 'you can do this you are strong, I'm proud of you' and then when leaving (after not buying chocolate) I would tell myself well done, you are amazing etc etc. But most importantly when I slip up I say 'it's ok pet, don't worry I'm still proud of you, we'll try again tomorrow'. I wouldn't tell anyone this IRL but it really helped me being my own guardian angel. It made me feel so much stronger.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I used to do similar with vertigo when I was a wobbly walker and very self conscious, I used to think one - two - one - two in rhythm with my feet and not beat myself up if I couldn't go far and tell myself "well done" even if I turned back. I figured that the worst that could happen was that I'd fall over. Actually I did fall forward and put my palms out to break the fall, wasn't quite over the road so I bunged my sandwich onto the pavement and swivelled to sit down on the kerb. I tried to rationalise it by thinking I wasn't shouting abuse or anything, just had difficulty walking for a few days!

@IdontknowwhatIamdoing1 it's strangely comforting to reassure yourself at little changes you make :)

Check your DMs. I messaged you.

Thanks everyone.

I agree, I think if I cut out booze I would feel so much better.

is going teetotal the best way, or should I gradually stop drinking?

Check out those YouTube sites I mentioned.

This Naked Mind is another good one, albeit a bit American.