My father has terminal cancer and I can't see him as much as I want to

[DarkPurpleSpots]

My father has terminal cancer. We're not sure how long he's got but it's measured in months, perhaps a year at most. My parents live 3 hours away (drive/train). I don't drive. I have two young children - one toddler, one primary-age. I work remotely.

My H is pretty useless. He works long hours and doesn't do any school or nursery drop-offs or pick-ups. He's not really capable of looking after both kids at the weekend. He might manage the older one but the younger one would be neglected/"parented" essentially by the older child. The relationship is past its sell-by date but this isn't the time to be doing anything about that.

I can't visit my parents as much as I want and I'm aware that I've got limited time to spend with my dad. I can take the kids on the train with me, but he's often ill/has low immunity so that limits the periods when I can visit with the kids given the amount of infections they get from school/nursery and also having two energetic young children running around a house with an acutely ill person recovering in it. I can't really leave the kids behind. I can't go and stay by myself as H can't do school and nursery drop-off around his work and would be unable/unwilling to care for the kids. I could visit at weekends around school, but it's a long journey with the kids on the train, the trains are often disrupted and the older one is then tired and grumpy at school the next day.

My father is having treatment in hospital at the moment and likely to be in there for most of the summer. There is the possibility that he may have a period of being in remission in the autumn (although ultimately the prognosis is not good) where we may be able to do something together. I'm thinking about taking my older one out of school for a few days so we can do something during the school term when it is quieter. Go and stay somewhere by the seaside or similar. I've never taken my DC out of school before, but in this case I might just bite the bullet and do it. It might be our last trip, we might manage to squeeze a couple more in. It might not happen because my dad might not ever be well enough again for it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really - a handhold maybe? Or some ideas which I haven't already thought of for getting through this and (awful phrase) "making memories" in the time we have left.

Take your eldest out of school as you need to. Stop thinking inside the box - set fire to the box with your husband in it. Take a leave of absence if you work and push your husband to take leave. He can take care of the eldest so let him. He can learn the ropes. He sounds like an idiot so you might as well put him to work.

i can’t say this strongly enough. You will not get this time back. You don’t need to be there for every moment but you will regret not being there enough.

Do sorry about your Dad OP.

Your H is a disgrace not being able to parent his own children. And horrible that he can't give you support when you are going through this difficult time.

You must do what you need to do as regards taking the children out of school.

Best wishes to you OP.

I'm so sorry OP.

Can you rent a house/ apartment near your parents for the moment. Take your toddler with you, and have your eldest there over the holidays/ leave with your husband during term time. Take a leave of absence from work.

Some other ideas:

• Long distance taxis
• Partially home ed
• Hire a nanny for 6 months

100% this!

This

You will never get the time back.
Set fire to the box then ram it up your useless husbands arse.

One thing I would look into is CMs near your parents who will do some ad hoc childminding so you can have some 1:1 time or adult time with your parents / dad.

A) Intensive automatic driving course. Put kids in the car at bedtime on Friday nights, lift into bed at the other end.

B) Tell your husband you want to separate. You can’t count on him and he makes little if any effort. He can either shape up and focus on supporting you now, or have the kids EOW and if he needs to pay a professional to help him, so be it.

C) Relocate with the kids for a year (subject to finances obviously)

it’s worth considering that with chemo you will have windows you can visit with kids and those you can’t. I would try to focus on making the most of the times when you can see him rather than v frequent visits.

Thank you - it means a lot to be heard.

The frustrating thing is that we are presently in a time when we cannot visit and yet I feel that time is ticking on. My parents live fairly rurally and the specialist centre where my father is being treated is an hour from their home. I've visited him once in hospital already (and did the trip twice during the last round of chemo) but that involved taking both kids on the train, staying in a rather insalubrious B&B, and taking turns with my mother to visit my father and entertain the kids in the hospital cafeteria. And then a couple of hours on cold platforms on the way back due to Sunday rail works/train delays. I don't mind the inconvenience myself but it's a lot for the kids to deal with. And my father can't see them at all - absolutely no kids allowed on the cancer ward. So not only is time ticking but we're also heavily restricted in what we can do.

H is a workaholic. Works late into the evenings. I can count on one hand the number of meals he's cooked for the kids in the past 6 months. On the one occasion a couple of years ago when I stayed overnight with a friend and he was looking after our older one, he fed him biscuits and crackers and nothing else because "he didn't say he was hungry".

He will go but in good time. I need him around for when my dad actually passes so I can leave the kids with him (at that stage, I'll just walk out and he'll have to sort work) and go to my mum.

@DarkPurpleSpots gosh, that's so tough.

Do you have siblings, in-laws, perhaps even friends that could help at all?

My in-laws live the other end of the country. They are very helpful when they're around but they're not often around - it's a flight or 10 hour drive. MIL came down to help with the kids one weekend when my father was first diagnosed (and very ill) so I could travel and visit him in hospital on my way

My siblings live quite near my parents (but a long way from the hospital) and are lovely but quite useless with children (they don't have any of their own). For various reasons (not their fault in any way - distance, mental health) they've never babysat or cared for the kids although very happy to see them and spend time with them at family events. My ill father is probably more use babysitting than them and can be left in charge of the older one for short periods when in his better times. We don't have local friends I could leave the kids with. H has never invested in out-of-work friendships and although I've built a lot of connections with other mums since having kids, it's more of the mutual "can you have Tom after school for an hour as I've got a pick-up clash?" or "can you bring Joseph home alongside Max after that club?" I have always done my share of that sort of thing when I can and I know lots would help, but we're all very busy and help would realistically be that sort of thing and limited to my more independent, older child. We only have nursery for the younger child and that is obviously not flexible in the least.

Could you recruit a weekend nanny from your youngest child’s nursery staff if that’s allowed?

100% take the eldest out of school. Spend as much time as you can and want to. Sorry

Honestly OP unless you think your DH is going to kill them, eating microwave dinners and watching too much tv for the next month/year is fine.

it is not useful for you or him to let him get away with shit parenting especially now.

stop letting him get away with uselessness he has to step up your father is terminal.

or can you leave them with his parents or his siblings.

im sure you will find your anger re him when you’re ready.

Massive handhold. I have just lost my father to cancer. (A month ago). He had one year from diagnosis. I was fortunate I able to take unpaid leave from work to go and visit him, as he doesn’t live in the UK. But, I always had my 3 year old with me. It was hard in different ways… (flying with toddler, unsettled toddler abroad asking for his dad who was back home working ). It was worth it.

to echo others above: do what you can to see your dad while he is alive. Do not assume you have a certain amount of time (the end came sooner than I thought for my dad).

yes to lowering your standards and letting DH parent more.

out of the box ideas, subject to finances:

-rent Airbnb near your parents so you can stay for longer and it’s easier than a B and B with kids (or can you stay with them? Buy a cot / whatever equipment makes your life easier)

-Find local childminders (local to your parents !) so you can have a few hours in disturbed with your dad.

-can you take unpaid leave / carers leave/ whatever your work will consider.

-it’s okay to use screen time when you are visiting if it means you can have a conversation with your dad or mum (my dads house was hideously un toddler friendly, full of fragile or dangerous stuff that was not to be touched. Screen time was the only way I could count on my son sitting still for a bit).

-absolutely take your child out of school and don’t even feel guilty about it !

sending much love. It’s really really hard.

PS use your in-laws. Ask for more than you feel comfortable asking. They may be delighted to help. Ask them to come stay at your house for a weekend / 3, 4 days, so you can travel alone to visit your dad.

you could even ask them to come to wherever your dad is with you, and you all stay in an Airbnb.

My mum.was dying when I was living abroad with q baby and toddler. I came home for weeks at a time. She enjoyed having the children there, even tho she couldn't do much.

If they were older, id have done the same and pulled them out of school. You've got the 6 weeks holidays, just take them there. Put up a tent in the garden for more space/to play in on rainy days.

Plenty of toys, maybe there's a toy swap/hire place in the nearest town. Lots of walks in the country to tire them out. Buy a cheap swing set for the garden, to keep them busy.

Your mum will enjoy having you there and the kids, for distraction. Find a teenager in the local area that needs some extra money over the holidays. They can help supervise in the garden/day trips out every so often.

Just go, you won't regret it.

@DarkPurpleSpots I am so sorry about your dad.

For reference, my father had acute myeloid leukaemia in 2000 when the DC were 5 and 18 months and we lived 00s of miles away. My husband was/is also a workaholic and domestically not very competent. Surgeon genre so he also had significant commitments that usually could not be moved.

I left the children with him but we had an au-pair and the baby had to do a bit more nursery for a while and other mums stepped in to do teas for the bigger one. It allowed me to spend 3 or 4 days a month with my dad. The upside of a workaholic partner is having money to throw at problems. If you don't have that, you have a bigger problem.

You also need to learn to drive - probably l not now as you have enough on your plate/mind but it will give you so many more options.

Sorry it's a difficult time.

@RosesAndHellebores . It's AML in my dad's case too, so you'll know how that pans out.

My DM also had AML, kindly OP leave your kids with your DH and go.... he'll manage and the kids will survive.

My DM lived 5 months from diagnosis, she had the intensive course of chemo but it also killed off all her healthly blood cells and she was too ill to have stem cell transplant.

Please go and be with him 💐

H is a workaholic. Works late into the evenings. I can count on one hand the number of meals he's cooked for the kids in the past 6 months. On the one occasion a couple of years ago when I stayed overnight with a friend and he was looking after our older one, he fed him biscuits and crackers and nothing else because "he didn't say he was hungry".
He will go but in good time. I need him around for when my dad actually passes so I can leave the kids with him (at that stage, I'll just walk out and he'll have to sort work) and go to my mum.

Have you sat down with your husband and told him you need him to step up?

One thing which might be helpful [albeit he should be more than capable of sorting] is to pre prep meals for the kids. He can sort himself out. When mine were little I used those silicone baking trays to make up frozen cubes of spaghetti Bol sauce etc. Then it was DD1 has two rounds with 20g pasta, DD2 has one round with 10g [or whatever] of cooked dried pasta. Boil some pasta, defrost some sauce and he's away and the kids have something you've made. Mini shepherds pies and other stuff freezes well.

You are essentially asking him to step in and look after two almost strange children. He knows them, he knows where they sleep but if you were employing someone to come in, you'd write all the obvious stuff down - a daily timetable, when to change nappies/do toilet breaks, when some tv is allowed and for how long, when do snacks and food take place, where to take them for a walk and for how long with or without a pram; scooters with helmets only. GP number is X

I completely accept that you shouldn't have to do any of this but it a) may give you the peace of mind to leave them all and b) makes it very difficult to argue against.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams - I have asked him many times to step up, he has not, and now I have stopped asking. Our children are not particularly difficult. The older one is a complete star, quite frankly - DC1 can be a handful sometimes, but will amuse, feed, get snacks and drinks for, keep an eye on and even help dress the toddler. I don't ask DC1 to do this - he just naturally does what he sees is needed. If we're getting ready to go out, he'll put the LO's shoes on after he's done his own. His father pretends that he doesn't know where the shoes are kept 🙄.

One thing that has shocked me is how much better my primary age child is at taking care of his younger sibling than the adult whose responsibility it is. As a result, I have very little sympathy with the idea of babying my husband any further as regards his woeful parenting. His own child puts him to shame. In a world where I can send DC1 into the hospital shop with my bank card to get sandwiches and food for the train for us while I wait outside with a buggy and a suitcase, I'm afraid I have absolutely zero patience for his useless dad and I'm not likely to develop any very soon.

That's really quite shit. You have my sympathies as someone who has lived and is living through similar but with a supportive spouse. I can't imagine trying to juggle it all through public transport and zero support. Would your parents be supportive of you moving in with them and the infection risk from all three of you? Apologies if you've covered this. I recognise that the recommendation will be not to do this but in practice children do live with parents with cancer. It's just a fair bit of work on germ control especially with school.

@DarkPurpleSpotsjust sending sympathy your way. You’re putting up with so much and clearly have no backup from the one person you should be able to count on. No advice just hugs.