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Original poster

What do i do about dd and her father.

25 replies

Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 11:47

I dd has recently started seeing her father. I have lots of worrys about it.

Dd is 15 she hadn't seen her father until a couple of months a go. There had been no contact at all. He says he didn't know she existed. I know I told him though but we let it go as it can't be changed.

First of all they were talking via messages. Then that went to phone calls then video calls we all met up a few times and now dd spends time with just him and her. So far they have been cinema, and watching planes at an airport.

There are things that worry me but its hard to explain. But I will try my best.

My concerns are. Dd spends alot of time in her room. Which is normal but its different. Before she would spend some time in the living room . Tell me about her day. Bit of gossip. She's hardly spoken to her younger brothers. Everything is one word answers there's no conversation. Its like she will talk if she has to. But doesn't want to.

Her and her father talk on the phone several times a day . If hes not at work they can be on the phone for hours If he is at work he calls her when ever hes on a break and snatched moments.

He has a wife who hes been with for a while they have a 12 year old. From what I have been told shes found this situation hard. It seems to me that from alm the time he kn the phone with dd plus work. Hes not spending anytime with his family. Same as dd is with us.

He had said to me things like he had a row with his wife about the situation. And he will say stuff like I been married to her almost 14 years but if she dont like it she can fuck off. "I have A (dd) now". They can all fuck of. I have never spoken to his wife but I cant help but feel we may feel a simlar way . Its like dd has dumped her side if the family and hes dumping his side. Oh he also tells dd hes arguing with his wife over dd.

He seems to project his voice and talk in a controlling way. He also told dd that he had lost his job but the only way he could get it bsck was if he done a course on bullying

I also feel like the amount of time they are spending on the phone is not healthy. Also I have heard him saying to dd when dropping her home im so sorry I have to leave you here. I dont want to leave you.

Hes also been talking to dd about taking her to Wales.

I also have a 9 and 10 year old. Me and their dad have not been together for a while now. Hes always been very good with dd. She gos on holiday with him and the boys. And stays over one weekend a month. And they talk via message or calls. Dd doesn't remember him not being in her life.

The weekend just gone dd went to a park with the 2 boys and their dad. Dd was kn het phone abd said to ex im just going over there . Ex thought she was just on the phone to a mate . He was feeding the ducks with the boys he turned round and she was gone. He tried ringing/messaging no answer so he contacted me . So I rang her and she had secretly met her father i told her that it was out of order and that it was her day with the boys father. I said how its really hurtful.

The boys dad feels really worried abiyt dd abd feels there's something not right about her father. He also feels extremely hurt.

A few mins later I got a call from dd father saying how sorry he was . He didn't mean to tread on anyone's toes or upset anyone. But he was passing the area and he was do excited that he just to see dd.

I feel like I need to take some control of the situation. But I don't know how. I dont want to do things that could push her closer to him. She Becomes more distant.

Im sorry its such a long post and a bit muddled. I was saying things as they came to mind . There may be things that have slipped my mind.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 15/07/2025 11:55

Start of a new relationship, lots if novelty for both of them. Bit like a romance without the romance. Hopefully it'll die back a bit especially if he's had issues with bullying.

Original poster
Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 15:47

BigFatLiar · 15/07/2025 11:55

Start of a new relationship, lots if novelty for both of them. Bit like a romance without the romance. Hopefully it'll die back a bit especially if he's had issues with bullying.

I was hoping that . But I am a bit worried. I he comes across as controlling. And if hes a bully he may be the same with dd.

OP posts:
BeamMeUpCountMeIn · 15/07/2025 15:57

You should be supervising contact. She doesn't know that man and is at a vulnerable point in her teens.

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strawberrysea · 15/07/2025 16:03

I’m sorry, how hard for you and the wife and the father of your other two children. I agree with pp that contact should be supervised but realistically she’s a teenager with a phone and so putting that boundary in place will be very difficult.

Original poster
Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 16:23

strawberrysea · 15/07/2025 16:03

I’m sorry, how hard for you and the wife and the father of your other two children. I agree with pp that contact should be supervised but realistically she’s a teenager with a phone and so putting that boundary in place will be very difficult.

I would love to have a chat to his wife. I really think she feels similar to me. But I cant do that.

Yes its hard at her age. She is still a child but its still easy for her to hide things or not be completely honest.

OP posts:
Swan6 · 15/07/2025 16:28

Why can't you chat to the wife
Is he paying maintenance
I d start by putting some ground rules in place
So they see each other every other Sunday or something
You could agree that the 4 of you meet with his wife included

Swan6 · 15/07/2025 16:32

I think I'd be worried to
She's at a vulnerable age
And he seems ...odd ...from what you say ..
Is he the father of his wife's child
Could you get your DD some counselling
She's had your boys father that you divorced from ,and her own father she's never known .
Yet both are in her life now ..I wonder if she needs someone to discuss things with ,who would know to recognise any red flags with her father
I'd be uneasy to op ,in your shoes

x2boys · 15/07/2025 16:34

BeamMeUpCountMeIn · 15/07/2025 15:57

You should be supervising contact. She doesn't know that man and is at a vulnerable point in her teens.

She's 15 though.

Original poster
Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 16:50

Swan6 · 15/07/2025 16:28

Why can't you chat to the wife
Is he paying maintenance
I d start by putting some ground rules in place
So they see each other every other Sunday or something
You could agree that the 4 of you meet with his wife included

Hes not paying maintenance the reason for that is i didn't want money to cause an issue for dd when shes wanting to build a relationship with him. Also hes not on the birth certificate. I know that doesn't matter with regards to child maintenance. But that could trigger him to demand he gos on her birth certificate. Which then means he woild legal rights. With how controlling he seems. Im not comfortable with that.

I cant contact her because I don't know if it could cause problems

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 15/07/2025 16:53

I don’t know, a man coming into her life at 15 and forming quite an obsessive “us against the world” bond instantly is a huge, huge red flag to me.

I’m not saying he would do anything nefarious, but I’m also not saying it has never happened. This doesn’t feel like bonding with a child. A PP described it as “romance without the romance” and I agree. They had no previous bonding or reference of each other from throughout childhood stages.

I would just be cautious. This bond should happen naturally and appropriately. It should be genuine. Talking about tossing his wife and the daughter he did raise aside to be with her is extremely concerning.

Original poster
Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 17:05

MissDoubleU · 15/07/2025 16:53

I don’t know, a man coming into her life at 15 and forming quite an obsessive “us against the world” bond instantly is a huge, huge red flag to me.

I’m not saying he would do anything nefarious, but I’m also not saying it has never happened. This doesn’t feel like bonding with a child. A PP described it as “romance without the romance” and I agree. They had no previous bonding or reference of each other from throughout childhood stages.

I would just be cautious. This bond should happen naturally and appropriately. It should be genuine. Talking about tossing his wife and the daughter he did raise aside to be with her is extremely concerning.

This is exactly how we feel.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 15/07/2025 17:14

Do you check her phone regularly? I would be reading their messages and also putting limits in place for how long she can use it for these phone calls.

MysteryNameChange · 15/07/2025 17:23

It sounds like lovebombing/grooming. Can you speak to children's services/safeguarding lead in school. I'd be really concerned too, it sounds really inappropriate.

Swan6 · 15/07/2025 17:24

Go for maintenance
And I bet that's the last you will see of him
A decent father would of already worked out what he should pay you and be offering it

MissDoubleU · 15/07/2025 17:26

Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 17:05

This is exactly how we feel.

Show quote history

If you can read any of their messages discreetly I would.

Glad I’m not the only one getting grooming alarm bells.

Gingercar · 15/07/2025 17:30

So did she not know anything about him until now? How come? I can see why she would be intrigued and want to know him. He’s her flesh and blood. This was probably going to happen at some point. Very difficult. She’s going to think it’s amazing. I don’t see how you stop a 15 year old seeing her dad. Can you make more rigid plans? Invite him over if you’re worried- form more of an opinion on what he’s like.

Original poster
Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 17:36

MysteryNameChange · 15/07/2025 17:23

It sounds like lovebombing/grooming. Can you speak to children's services/safeguarding lead in school. I'd be really concerned too, it sounds really inappropriate.

I did think about this. But they break up on 2 days. I could contact social services for advice.

I did ask dd if she felt safe around him. She looked at me like i was mad/asking stupid questions. She said she felt safe. And then I said if you didn't would you tell someone even if it wasn't me if you didn't feel comfortable telling me . And she said she would.

OP posts:
MysteryNameChange · 15/07/2025 18:11

Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 17:36

I did think about this. But they break up on 2 days. I could contact social services for advice.

I did ask dd if she felt safe around him. She looked at me like i was mad/asking stupid questions. She said she felt safe. And then I said if you didn't would you tell someone even if it wasn't me if you didn't feel comfortable telling me . And she said she would.

Show quote history

I'd still tell them with the 2 days. They can still advise and it gets it recorded now that you've got concerns. You could try the NSPCC too? I'm not trying to scaremonger, but quite a lot of red flags. If you could discreetly talk to the wife I would.

throwawaynametoday · 15/07/2025 18:34

I would be extremely concerned. Your DD's behaviour is completely understandable - she's a teenager who is enjoying the novelty, attention and validation, with absolutely no experience that could possibly help her see the red flags in this man's behaviour.

He on the other hand is a grown man, a father, who should absolutely know better. At the very best, he is (extremely) emotionally immature, and like your DD is fully indulging in his enjoyment of the novelty of this new relationship, without exercising any judgement or awareness of his responsibilities to develop the relationship at an appropriate pace, or with consideration to its impact on his wife and children. Such a man will not be a positive, stable influence in her life in the long term.

At worst, he is grooming her.

Original poster
Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 18:54

MysteryNameChange · 15/07/2025 18:11

I'd still tell them with the 2 days. They can still advise and it gets it recorded now that you've got concerns. You could try the NSPCC too? I'm not trying to scaremonger, but quite a lot of red flags. If you could discreetly talk to the wife I would.

Show quote history

No i totally understand. Where you are coming from . Its hard to talk to the wife i don't know her at all. And she may just tell him we have spoken.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 15/07/2025 19:43

Talking about tossing his wife and the daughter he did raise aside to be with her is extremely concerning Hopefully, she’ll realise that the ease with which he tosses one child aside doesn’t bode well for her if any other long lost children pop up in the future, before any real damage is done.

MakeItToTheMoon · 15/07/2025 19:54

I would be interested to know how his relationship with his other child is? He spends lots of time talking with/ meeting up with your DD, has his other child been shoved aside? That would be a “red flag”.

Original poster
Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 20:49

MakeItToTheMoon · 15/07/2025 19:54

I would be interested to know how his relationship with his other child is? He spends lots of time talking with/ meeting up with your DD, has his other child been shoved aside? That would be a “red flag”.

I think thats whats upsetting her. He has a day off work today . He messaged my dd to say good morning. Amd it caused an argument with his wife . I think hes shoving them both to the side.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 15/07/2025 21:19

I would be really concerned actually that he’s conjured up a relationship that isn’t a true parent-child relationship. I don’t necessarily mean that in a way that implies something truly nefarious (though it could). But I would read up on relationships between parents and children who meet in adulthood (she’s really almost an adult). They can struggle with boundaries and really intense feelings. It’s almost like what we would call limerance in romantic relationships.

I know someone who basically came to see his dd as like a partner rather than a child as his actual relationship with his partner started to break down. It got really confusing for everyone.

I think though that this feels like too much too soon, but it also kinda feels like the ship has sailed and it will be difficult to rein in. I would really focus for now on keeping communication open and making sure you have lots of time together. If you haven’t had professional support with their relationship though, I think now is the time to engage some. She needs some to help her navigate these feelings.

Original poster
Ddfather2222 · 15/07/2025 22:05

mindutopia · 15/07/2025 21:19

I would be really concerned actually that he’s conjured up a relationship that isn’t a true parent-child relationship. I don’t necessarily mean that in a way that implies something truly nefarious (though it could). But I would read up on relationships between parents and children who meet in adulthood (she’s really almost an adult). They can struggle with boundaries and really intense feelings. It’s almost like what we would call limerance in romantic relationships.

I know someone who basically came to see his dd as like a partner rather than a child as his actual relationship with his partner started to break down. It got really confusing for everyone.

I think though that this feels like too much too soon, but it also kinda feels like the ship has sailed and it will be difficult to rein in. I would really focus for now on keeping communication open and making sure you have lots of time together. If you haven’t had professional support with their relationship though, I think now is the time to engage some. She needs some to help her navigate these feelings.

Edited

My ex said simlar. Hes quite worried to.

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