Anyone else who had postnatal mh feel crappy about the CM case?

[theotherfossilsister]

When my premature baby was four weeks old, stupidly, I fell asleep breastfeeding. We’d just got him home from nicu and were painfully aware of the risks, but I was triple feeding, pump, then try at breast, then bottle. Somehow I fell asleep during breastfeeding, startled awake and he was blue and unresponsive. I screamed and my husband ran through, chucked his phone at me and shouted 999 now she began hitting him on the back like he was choking. Somehow, while on speaker phone to operator a load of blood came up and he gave a cry. When ambulance came, they were quick, they noted he was badly mottled and we were admitted to hospital to access damage. We spent three nights there, and they think he was unconscious for a short while as no damage noted.

soon after this I was admitted to an MBU with my baby. It was all so fucked up.

Keep thinking, there but for the grace of God go I.

Husband says there are no parallels but there are. I fell asleep holding my baby, around the same time she did. Currently sitting in Costa round the corner from his nursery about to go to work. I keep reading about whet a monster she is, but think, I was the same. I went to sleep holding him and he almost died.

You were nothing like that. Nothing at all.

An exhausted parent making a mistake is nothing like a neglectful one who put herself and her partner before her child's safety. And in CM's case repeatedly so to the point her four other children had been removed.

No, it's nowhere near the same... I hope you're feeling better now by the way, must have been absolutely terrifying for you.

Am sorry that happened to you and your baby, must have been awful.

your H is right. there are no parallels.

Thanks both

we had social work involvement too, and I feel so shitty about how it could have gone. I developed really bad OCD. I just know his awful that moment waking and seeing your baby blue is because it happened

I’m so sorry that you had those experiences, but your stories are not the same. The case might bring back some negative memories fair enough, but there are no similarities in the two.

Ok, thank you. I just feel sorry for her because of what happened with us. We’re not having more children because of how shitty it was. We are so lucky however. He’s just gone up to the big room at nursery and keep thinking Victoria would have as well and be like his little friends.

going up try to stop thinking about it at work today

I'm so sorry you had to experience something so traumatic 🫂 I've also fallen asleep while nursing from sheer exhaustion. Like everyone else has said, this is completely and utterly different from the case you're referring to! ❤️

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through.

You are NOTHING like CM. She showed a consistent lack of care towards her baby. Her baby did not die because of one mistake.

Please be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry that happened and how traumatising that must have been. They are completely different as others have said.
I fell asleep trying to breastfeed my baby on her first night in hospital. I don’t know how long for and looking back I’m not that surprised, but I beat myself up for it. I’d had maybe a couple of hours sleep over two days, had a lot of pain, then alot of drugs and eventually an emergency c-section.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

And sometimes things like the CM case can bring up our worst memories.

BUT. When you read the detail of the case this is NOT a mother doing her best and struggling with postnatal MH issues alone. There were years of poor decisions, domestic abuse, neglect, genuinely way beyond a frazzled mother trying her best but having a bad time.

Hope you can find some peace. Perhaps some counselling could help you work through it.

Have you actually read into the detail of what happened in the CM/MG case? It wasn't just "a hapless woman fell asleep on her baby and it ended badly and the mean bad judge prosecuted her for an accident" which is how she was trying to spin it in the previous trial and due to reporting restrictions until the verdict.
I felt for her too until I read the details that have come out yesterday and today.
It turns out this was a case where a woman and her partner completely refused to engage with services, to the point of concealing the pregnancy and not getting the child any antenatal/postnatal healthcare, because they lost their previous children, they went on the run in sub-zero temperatures, and they concealed the death of the child too. At every step they prioritised their wants and their relationship above what was best for the child.
And that's before you even get started on the fact they never bothered to see their kids that were in care, or that MG is a convicted armed rapist who was deported from the US after being in jail for 20 years, or that DV was alleged, and CM completely stands by him and put him ahead of the kids on numerous occasions, including, arguably, when V's death occurred. Or the fact they did everything in their power to frustrate the trial process and try and get it thrown out a second time.
This wasn't just a tragic accident that could happen to anyone and I strongly encourage you to not fixate on this, but instead get some therapy to deal with your own situation which sounds like it was just a terrible accident.

Absolutely no comparison between your own experience and Constance Marten. You were not on the run with a convicted rapist, not seeking medical care for your baby despite having 4 children taken into care.

You were simply overtired and fell asleep feeding. Your experience is a ‘there for the grace of God’ for most of us I would imagine. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe consider weaning to bottle a bit more so that others can help with feeds whilst you get some rest?

And sadly little Victoria would never have had that lovely nursery whilst she was living with her parents. They were in a freezing cold tent. Just a tragedy the police didn’t catch up with them earlier.

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience and I'm glad your baby was OK. What happened to you though isn't anything like CM.

CM didn't seek medical help for her baby at anytime. Her baby was photographed on cctv in freezing temperatures without socks on or a blanket to keep them warm. Even after death CM didn't care for her baby. She carried her around in a plastic bag and then dumped tge bag and dead baby on an allotment.

CM had access to money. She could have stayed in a warm hotel rather than a tent. At no point did CM prioritise her baby above herself.

The poor little thing never stood a chance. Your child is loved and cared for and always will be.

Oh sweetheart.

I know people will reassure you that it’s not the same (and it really, really isn’t) but the feeling, living it, and reliving it from the inside is magnified and distorts the perspective. And sometimes you have to feel the similarities first before you can find the differences.

My dd had a head injury as a baby from a terrible, stupid accident that was entirely my fault, and at the time I couldn’t see any difference between what I had done and someone deliberately bashing her head against a wall. To me they were exactly the same. And I had to deal with that version of reality before I could feel any sense of truth in the external validation from other people. I had to let go of my own distorted version before theirs made any sense.

It’s very hard for people to understand the devastation of a mh collapse - the awful car crash that your life can become, and when you’ve felt the pull of the outer eddys it gives you a terrible sense of what it is like to be pulled under the vortex. I can understand why you’re seeing these two things through the same lens.

I know you have to push down and go to work, but is there someone you can sit with later and talk this out - do you have a counsellor or therapist you could reach out to? Grief and trauma are like spirals. We move on, but then we can find ourselves back again, almost in the same spot, when something like this happens. And then we need to slow, be gentle with ourselves, and take time with it. Given that there’s a mh component too, it’s very important to reach out for some support.

I'm so glad your baby was ok. Mine was too - thanks in no small part to our reactions - calling ambulances, seeking out urgent medical care, doing everything necessary … don’t leave out that part of the story.

What happened to you happened despite you being good mum. What happened to CM happened because of who she is.

Thank you. I had a lot of intensive counselling in the mother and baby unit and when discharged had a CPN every day at first, then tapered down. You are all really kind. Just feel like that moment of horror she must have felt when she started awake and Victoria was unresponsive. It is such a horrible feeling.

@Blobbitymacblob thank you, I’m sorry that happened to you too. You do feel to blame always don’t you and all the horrible what ifs come up. The paramedics were so kind, they were really heroic and once they’d stabilised him they turned to my husband who was in shock and helped him, but I thought they must think I’m so shit.

it is something we’re working on. I’m really glad we have a gorgeous glorious two year old boy who loves running around and being joyful and asking for a cat.

Just starting work now. I am lucky to have a child, job, everything after this mistake.

and obviously @Blobbitymacblob you’re not to blame c

You had a terrible experience whilst you were an exhausted, new mum it must have been incredibly traumatic for you
But your child is fine now I'm not minimising your experience I nearly lost my then 16,year old to a medical emergency two years ago so whilst not the same i cam empathise with how traumatised you were
This is nothing like the case, they were both terrible neglectful parents who had already had four children removed.

Bless you @theotherfossilsister you are nothing like Constance Marten. Nothing. Her life has been nothing but chaos and poor Victoria was one of five children that she failed. I wouldn’t suggest to keep dwelling on the case, but do have a read of this article https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cn0zkg4g4zyo

The article goes into detail about their behaviour during both court cases and serves to illustrate the kind of people CM and MG are. I doubt she is capable of self-reflection or remorse - she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. I hope you’re ok, please reach out for support if you need it. You sound like a great mum