school want ds seen by their SENCO again - what happens now???

[TiredButTryin5x]

got a letter in ds’s bag yesterday saying school want the senco to “observe him again in class” after the holidays. said something about “next steps” n “building a support profile” – honestly i don’t even know what half of it means.

i already said yes to starting the EHCP process again – that was hard enough. i don’t know if this is good or bad or if they think i’ve done something wrong??

feel like every time i start to catch up something else gets added. i don’t want to mess this up for him again. he’s 10 now n i feel like i’ve left it all too late.

they said they’d “keep me in the loop” but that usually means they email n then expect me to just understand it all. i don’t. i never know what’s meant to happen when. i’m scared to ask in case i sound thick 😞

ds’s a good boy. bit quirky, bit full-on, but he’s got a heart of gold. i just want him to get the help he needs. but i don’t know what any of it actually looks like. what does the senco do?? will they think i’m the problem?

if anyone’s been through this please explain like i’m 5. x

We'd need to see the letter to explain it to you. But I'm guessing this will just follow every other thread.

It sounds positive. They want to observe him to see what sort of help he needs in class so they can put a support package together. Please don’t worry about sounding silly. Most parents wouldn't have a clue.

They will observe him to see how he copes in the classroom and what he struggles with so they can decide where he needs extra support so that can be written into his EHCP.

They won't think you've done anything wrong so don't worry.

What do you mean that you 'ront want to mess it up for him again'?

What's happened before?

thanks everyone x
reading all this has honestly made me cry a bit (in a good way). i always feel like i’m the only one who doesn’t get it but maybe i’m not the only one winging it after all.

for the person who asked what i meant by messing it up before – i binned the early help letter they sent last year. felt panicked, didn’t understand it, didn’t want “social services” on me again so i chucked it. only told the school the truth a couple months ago when everything started kicking off again.

ds’s always been a bit different – lovely, clever in his own way, but meltdowns over socks, noises, kids touching his stuff, things being “wrong”. i thought it was just him being him but now i think he’s masking at school n then losing it when he gets home. he’s so tired all the time.

i don’t want to waste more time. i just feel scared they’ll think i’m useless or that i’ve left it too long. the senco lady is nice but talks so fast i nod along even when i’m lost 😳

but thank you to everyone who broke it down. especially the bit about it being to help, not judge me. that helped me breathe a bit.

x

Sounds like school understandably think he autism. You need to ask the school for advice about what to do next but it sounds like you need to get the GP to refer him for assessment.

Do you have a friend who can help you with all this school stuff?
Someone who can attend meetings with you, help you understand letters, make sure forms get filled?
You really sound like you are struggling to stay on top of everything, which will only get worse when #5 arrives.
You could ask your m8dwife to see if you can get more support via social services. Better to get help now than waiting for everything to collapse.

School needs to observe to know what to write in their report for the EHCP assessment. You will also get a chance to write something and it sounds like you will need help. Start now writing a list of all the difficulties this son has at home and school, with examples, then you can add to it as you think of things.

Duplicate

I wonder if you can find a charity like SOSSEN or even your SENDIAS team to help you understand what you have been sent what to expect and what to do.

yeah i think you’re right tbh. they haven’t said autism out loud but i can sort of feel it hanging there if that makes sense? his teacher last term used words like “sensory” n “social communication” n stuff like that. and when they talk about what he struggles with it all just sounds like what people on here describe with their asd kids.

i’ve been dragging my feet a bit about gp because i thought school had to do all that first?? like i thought they needed to collect evidence before a referral. but if i can go straight to the gp i’ll try. i hate those appointments though – i freeze up n can’t explain anything properly.

might try writing it down. his worst stuff. socks. noises. panic if his pencils aren’t in the right order. repeating the same question over n over n over. talks to himself under his breath like he’s narrating a film.
he’s not naughty. just overwhelmed.

thank you for being kind x

Have you had SS involvement before or have you just been refered but not involved with early help?

I’m asking because if you’ve had SS help before then you your child background will be viewed as more complicated and he will need to be assessed by CAHMS. If there is no SS involvement then you ask for a referal for ASD assessment via right to choose which would be much quicker.

Look up your local parent partnership. Go to meet them . Ask if someone can attend school meetings with you. Don't focus on the past. Move forward now .

this is all really helpful – thank you so much. i’ve screenshotted bits so i don’t forget x

no i don’t really have anyone who can come to meetings with me – not regularly anyway. my sister helped once before but she works full time and has her own kids. i always feel like i’m dragging people into stuff they don’t have time for 😔

i’ve heard of sendias i think?? is that the parent partnership one? i’ll try to google my local one tomorrow when i’ve had more sleep. i didn’t know you could bring someone to school meetings or get proper help with all this so that’s already a relief.

re social services – yeah we were referred a few years ago when things were really bad with the older boys. they said early help, not proper SS, but it still scared the hell out of me. i panicked and pushed it all away. now i’m realising i probably made it harder in the long run.

i like the idea of writing everything down. i’m better at that than talking. ds’s always been tricky to explain in words, but i’ll try. like how he can’t cope if we walk a different way to school. or if ds4 touches his lego. or the time he cried for two hours cos the teacher used a different font on the whiteboard 😢

i know this stuff’s important. i just feel like i’m already barely managing. and now baby #5’s coming in january and i don’t even know where we’ll all sleep. but i want him to have what he needs.

thank you again for being patient with me x

@TiredButTryin5x I just wanted to let you know you included your son's name in your last paragraph - I've just edited that out to protect your privacy.

Best of luck with everything

The Senco being involved is a good thing not a bad thing.

Keep this in mind.

Write things down before the appointment so you have notes so you don't forget things. It helps enormously.

Please don't panic and worry OP. The school offered you early help to support you as well as your lovely boy and they're clearly focused on trying to get the right provision in place for him.
As others have said, meet with the SENDCO and take notes. Ask them for extra time to explain things to you - school staff can have a habit of assuming everyone knows the jargon but it's not done to make you feel daft, just because it's everyday language for them and they forget it isn't for everyone else.
The class teacher will have asked for this observation, and it sounds like your DS would benefit from the SENDCo offering ideas for ways in which the teacher can better engage him and help him as he starts his new year. Work with the school if you can - it's clear you think the world of your son and that you and they want the very best outcomes for him and that's a winning combination!

Ask to meet the sendco and ask all those questions to them, it's their job

i’m scared to ask in case i sound thick 😞

I had to reply to this OP, they deal with children all day, they are used to SEN terminology, reading reports, feedback meetings and all the rest. This is your first time dealing with this and it is absolutely OK to not know how the various processes work. Any person working in a school meeting a parent should know this and approach with this in mind. Please please ask the questions, don't be afraid what they think, the most important thing is that you both work together with your DC best interests in mind. For you that might be a bit of a learning curve and that's ok and normal. Just be open and honest and willing to listen and I'm sure they will be happy to help you as much as possible.

honestly thank you all so much for being kind – i didn’t expect this many replies n it means more than you know x

i’ve written down everything i can remember from today and stuck it on the fridge so i don’t lose it 😅 going to try and add to it each night when ds’s gone to bed. i’ve already thought of loads of little things i forgot earlier, like how he hums when he’s stressed or how he always lines up his cereal before he eats it.

i think you’re right that school are trying to help – it’s just hard to not panic when you get these notes home out the blue. especially when you’re still blaming yourself for binning the first referral 😞 but i’ll meet with the senco properly when term starts again and i’ll try to tell them i need it explained slowly n clearly. i don’t want to pretend i understand anymore just to get out the room.

i do think the world of him. i just want him to feel safe n understood. not weird or naughty or like he’s always getting it wrong. n if that means letting school observe, assess, write things down – then we’ll do that.

thank you again for not making me feel stupid. really. x

Remember you can take all your notes in with you to help you know what to say.

You can say things like

• please talk slower so I have a chance to really listen to what you are saying.
• Or ask them to repeat or rephrase it.
• or give you a moment to digest what they said
• ask them to explain what words mean

You could write out some sentences like that on another piece of paper to help you recall them when yoh need them.

Great start.

Once you have made your daily notes then try to group examples into categories.
E.g.
Need for order
. Lines up toys
. Lines up pencils - gets distressed if someone else moves them
....

Texture issues
. Very fussy on feel of clothes, hates seams
. Gets very attached to clothes even when too small, has meltdowns when ....

Coping with change
. Gets very distressed on off timetable days - cries for 2 hours on getting home
. Similarly if routine at home changes such as favourite cereal not in house

Communication
. Very literal eg ...
. Echos others speech eg ...

(My groupings may not be right but they are common ones I have seen for ASD )

To do this you could take a highlighter and highlight similar ones in one colour, then next group in another colour etc.

i’ve read these replies a few times now and they’ve really stuck with me 🥺 thank you x

i never thought of it like that – that of course i won’t know all this stuff, and that doesn’t make me thick, just new to it. i think because i struggle with letters n long forms people assume i don’t care or i’m not trying. but i am. i just panic easily and then i go blank or nod like i understand when i don’t 🙃

i love the idea of writing out them sentences before the meeting. proper helpful. “can you slow down a bit” and “can you explain that word” – those feel like things i can say if i’ve got them in front of me.

i’m going to email the school before term starts and ask for a proper meeting with the senco. i’ll take my notes, ask the questions, even if my voice shakes. i can’t help ds if i don’t understand what’s going on.

i’m still scared but i feel a bit less alone with it all now. thank you again. all of you. x

I’m an ex teacher so I forget how much I know already but I find the system confusing. I don’t know what support is avaliable and it’s hard work and takes lots of time to navigate. My DH has PhD so is intelligent but when I tell him things about an IEP meeting he hasn’t a clue what I’m taking about - teachers use a million aycromns. My daughter’s amazing teacher has a background supporting other teachers to improve their teaching of SEND pupils and she says she find it hard to stand up for own child in meetings. It is so hard.

Always after a meeting with anyone email back a summary of what you think has happened including things they agree to do and ask if they agree with the summary. I always say at the start of the email that’s I doing it help me remember which is does but it makes it easier to follow up if things aren’t done.

Hi 👋🏻 I wanted to come on and say there are loads of groups and charities that can help you and advocate for you. I'd recommend contacting SENDIASS stands for Special Educational Needs and Disabilities Information, Advice and Support Service. It is a free, confidential, and impartial service that provides information, advice, and support to children and young people with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND), and their parents and carers.
Here's a more detailed explanation:
What it is: SENDIASS is a service designed to help navigate the complexities of SEND, offering support to families and young people with special needs
Free: The service is provided without any cost to the user.
Confidential: Information shared with SENDIASS is kept private.
Impartial: The service offers neutral advice, independent of the local authority or other bodies.
Information and advice: SENDIASS provides information on a range of topics related to SEND, including disability, health, and social care.
Support: They help with concerns about Education, Health and Care (EHC) plans, making informed decisions, and participating in educational decisions.
Signposting: They also connect individuals with other relevant services and organizations.
Support for families: SENDIASS helps families navigate the SEND process, understand their rights, and work with schools and other professionals.
Support for young people: They encourage young people to participate in decisions that affect them and help them develop self-advocacy skills.
How it helps:
SENDIASS can assist with various issues related to SEND, such as:
Understanding the SEND process.
Preparing for meetings with schools or local authorities.
Challenging decisions or seeking mediation.
Accessing support services.
Resolving disagreements.
Making informed choices about education and other aspects of life.
Navigating exclusions and tribunals.
Who it's for:
SENDIASS services are available to:
Parents and carers of children and young people with SEND.
Children and young people with SEND up to the age of 25.
Professionals working with children an
d young people with SEND.

Hope you get the support you need and don't be afraid to ask questions. Im a teacher in a send school.

The system ismt the best but I hope you get the help you need.