I need to vent - DPs XW.

[Dilemma654]

I've been seeing DP around a year. He's the majority carer for his teenage child.

DP has just got home from a very long day at work to find DC is unexpectedly there on a day they should be with their mum. XW told DC she wasn't collecting them, as she has 2 very important work days tomorrow and Wednesday, and couldn't possibly have her child because of that. XW didn't ask DP if that was ok to leave her child unexpectedly. She just assumed.

XW has form for this. About once every 2 months, XW will ask DP if he can have DC on one/two of her nights. Normally I follow DPs lead when she does and remain quite chilled, as he is.

However we had a wonderful night round his planned tomorrow, as it's the last time we'll see each other for a month. We can't relocate to my house, as my children are here. So our plans have hastily changed to going for a walk. I'd put so much time, money and effort into prepping for tomorrow and it isn't going to keep.

I'm so cross that XW's behaviour means my wonderful evening is ruined. I'm cross with DP that he won't challenge XW on this, as he wants to keep the peace because of DC, and knows that challenging her won't make any difference to her behaviour. I'm cross at myself that I'm cross at him for (rightly!) prioritising DC. I'm cross that he doesn't get to do the same back to XW (not that he would anyway, as he rightly wouldn't use DC as a pawn). I guess I'm cross that his XW takes advantage of the good kind man and father that he is.

DPs perspective is that there's only a few more years to ride this out. He loves spending time with DC. And there have been times XW has asked him to keep DC, and DP has said no, as he and I have plans.

It's XWs assumption that has really got me tonight. Not asking DP, not giving him the option to say no, just telling DC she wouldn't be collecting. This is the first time I'm aware of that she assumed it would be ok, rather than ask DP.

Awful behaviour on her part. And I'm cross. So I'm venting.

Another man who is happy to piss off his current partner, in pursuit of keeping the ex happy.

Ah this is tricky op. I can see why you are annoyed. It’s unfair that your plans should change because the dc have been dumped on a whim. But also it’s good to see a father prioritising his children. It’s a shame his ex can’t do the same. I think he does need to have a chat with her about sticking to the arranged contact days and if there is an emergency or flexibility required she needs to at least tell him! But this should be the exception not all the time.
Could the two of you go out for a nice meal? A walk sounds a bit dreary!

Or possibly keeping his child happy. Just another perspective

I think this is the more relevant point. Where is the DC happiest? The ex being useless is irrelevant if the DC would rather be at home.

This. It is about the child, not about adult frustration.
I believe he is doing the right thing: showing up for his child when he has a somewhat unpredictable mother.

Of course he’s going to prioritise his child over you, as shit as that can be sometimes.

It’s why I would never date someone with children.

I get the frustration, but imagine the poor child being shunted around at the whim of a parent. The priority is the child.

But I do understand. It’s rubbish timing when you have plans

Nope.

A man who doesn't want his DC shunted around and feeling like they're in the way because his mum prioritises her life over her son's.