Feeling guilty about planning to leavey dh because he's not always abusive.

[PennyWhistleSweet]

In the next few weeks I will be leaving my husband and father of my children.

His anger has become more frequent and more intense towards me and the children in the last few months. Although he hasn't become physical he has threatened it when he's really angry.

There is no turning back as I've told my family and close friends so we are in the leaving stage.

However, I can't shake the feeling of guilt and duplicity as he has no idea and for the last few days has been nice. To sum it up he's sending me random memes to make me laugh whilst at the same time I'm recieving messages from my friend about us going to woman's aid later in the week.

Can anyone relate to this horrible feeling or offer any words of advice?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
Abusers don’t abuse 24/7. They sometimes love bomb and sometimes act completely normally. Or it would be so much easier to leave.

If someone is abusive once then they are an abuser, end of.

You're doing the right thing to keep your children and yourself safe. It gets better with time. Don't be afraid to maintain boundaries whilst living in WA housing and always advocate for your children. You're doing what you have to right now to keep you all safe, there's nothing to feel guilty about. Your husband is doing what all abusers do to maintain control, it's the typical pattern of abuse done precisely to make you feel guilt and stop you leaving. Once you know this you can see it for what it really is. Nothing should stop you from leaving now.

He's being nice because he senses that something has changed.

You're doing the right thing, OP. Telling friends and family was a very good idea - they've got your back and you've got the strength to see this through.

Every single abuser is like this. It’s called the cycle of abuse.

He DOES know that something is up, that’s why he’s being nice to you.

That's why they call it the cycle of abuse. If they were in the incident phase all the time, they would find it harder to be able to victimise anyone. They mix in periods of calm and periods of stress as well as the explosive incidents to keep you hooked. It isn't genuine kindness though, it is just another tool in the whole control and power dynamic.
You feel duplicitous probably because you are a nice honest person. It doesn't sit right to be pretending to be getting on OK but actually planning to leave. All you want to do is keep yourself and your child safe, you aren't plotting to harm him, please reassure yourself that you are making the best possible decision.
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I understand. This is why it’s so hard to leave.
People in normal relationships don’t really get it.

I love my husband. I wish he was a regular guy.
But he’s not. He’s an angry arsehole. Unfortunately!

When he’s good, he’s good. When he’s bad, he’s bad.
It’s the flick of a switch. Triggered by me, of course…

My DH is funny, charming, and has lots of friends.
On paper, he’s a good guy. Planning your exit is hard.

I hope you’re doing ok, and have someone to talk to about this. Sending love

He knows something is up. Be careful

Remember that every single serial killer has spent 99.99% of their lives not killing anybody at all. That doesn't make them generally nice people - or ones that you would want to be anywhere near to.

Wolfiefan nailed it with the first sentence.

That behaviour is typical from an abuser. It's the little bits of kindness that keep you in the relationship. It gives you hope in what is, essentially, a hopeless situation. It is designed to make you feel guilty, it's part of the playbook.

Thanks everyone.

The problem is we are genuinely friends. I've been with him since we were young. It's not random small bursts of kindness. He's grumpy in the day with bursts of anger about normal stuff like kids being slow to get changed then happy later in the evening. By then.hes usually kind and fun to be with.

None of this changes the fact we're leaving. It's just to show I'm not living in a hellish environment.

I have been listening to recordings I secretly took of him shouting at me in front of the kids and threatening to hit me (he was very drunk) to stay on track.

I still feel like I'm completely over reacting by even contemplating a woman's refuge. I can't help but reframe things from his point of view.

You are not over reacting, he has been abusive, you don't know when this could happen again and the only way to protect yourself and the children is to leave, be safe and then work out next steps.
To leave safely you cannot tell him. It's not duplicitous, it's the advice anyone with lived experience would give you.
The feeling of guilt is totally normal, you've spent years complying to keep yourself safe, and now you have to do the opposite so you will feel very uncomfortable.
Take care, it will be ok, keep talking to your friends and family too.

Oh bless you, he's trained you to ALWAYS centre him and his feelings in everything. That's why it feels so weird to centre yourself and your children instead, and why you default to HIS point of view - it's a coping mechanism, clinging to the familiar when your whole world is changing or about to change.

Accept it as part of the process. It is a sign that you are breaking away psychologically, it is NOT a sign that you're over-reacting.

Also, as a PP said, it feels duplicitous because you are basically an honest person. It's uncomfortable to lie - the cognitive dissonance makes you uncomfortable.However, you're not lying for personal gain, you're withholding the truth because, right now, it's essential.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you, sausage, hope all goes well.

If an abuser was abusive all of the time they wouldn’t have anyone for very long.

After they have been abusive they have to reel you back in with niceness just incase you up and leave. And repeat. Over. And over again

If he can be nice and friendly and loving then why does he shout and threaten.

This is a choice he is making. He is fully aware he had gone too far and now has to love bomb you to get you back on track

@PennyWhistleSweet it often takes abused woman multiple attempts to leave and what is worse is that your brain can become addicted to the highs and lows of the abuse cycle making leaving all the harder.

Try to remember this - we do not harm the ones we love (on purpose). We harm those we dislike, hate or disrespect. Love is not abuse.

Yes, you love and have loved him and the man you thought he was but he doesn't feel the same way.

He would never act at work or with friends the way he does at home because he knows there would be consequences.

You are also teaching your children what healthy relationships should be and leaving an abuser and explaining to the children that abuse is wrong is the right start.

Leave. You know he won't change, you know he somewhere down the years stopped loving and respecting you and you know that your relationship is harming your children. Save yourself and your children.

Abuse is a cycle. As PP says, if someone was abusive all the time, no one would stay with them for 5 minutes.

What is the Cycle of Abuse?

There is lots of info online about this and you might find it helpful to have a look through it.

I have been exactly where you are now and it is so hard. Of course he is sometimes nice to you. If he wasn’t you would never have loved him in the first place. The cycle of abuse makes it so hard to see what is going on, especially when you are right in the think of it.

It took me years after I left to realise how abusive my ex was. I honestly blamed myself for being frightened of him. Now I am in a much better relationship and I couldn’t imagine my partner ever doing anything to make me afraid of him.

Have a read of Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It is eye opening.

He could be the nicest guy in the world and you are still entitled to leave him without guilt if you decide not to be in the relationship any more. He doesn't have to meet any criteria of badness for you to be entitled to leave.
In this case, the only acceptable level of abusiveness is zero, so he's over that. Take care of yourself.

This thread was started in July. I do hope that @PennyWhistleSweet has left, and is safe, by now.

Remember you are at high risk if he knows you are planning to leave. Beyond anything else just be aware - it is brilliant your friends and family know you are leaving, this is really important for your safety.

No one stays in a relationship where there is nothing for them, abuse is one part of the person - they can be charming, popular, charismatic, funny, successful etc - a whole host of reasons why abuse is seen in a cycle. The move between terrifying and charming and apologetic, it’s just the cycle tends to get shorter - with more abuse and less ‘nice’.

hold your head high and know you are absolutely doing the right thing. It’s natural to wobble and overthink and to be scared.