Is your (relatively functional) autistic teenager "out and proud" about their autism?

[HappilyUrbanTrimmer]

My autistic&ADHD teenager has survived secondary school and will hopefully be getting some decent GCSE results in a few weeks.

They will be going to a different college for sixth form (not yet fixed where, but definitely not staying at the same school). At the senior school in y7-11 they made no deep or strong friendships, though there were a few classmates they were friendly with. They found the whole school environment very stressful and spent a lot of the lesson time in the learning support area. However, they do not talk about their autism/ADHD/Neurodiversity to any contemporaries and try to not attract anyone's attention as far as possible.

In a conversation recently about what it might be like starting the new college, where because of the course choice it will be quite likely that at least some of the other students are also going to be neurodiverse, I suggested that they might actually include talking about their neurodiversity during the "getting to know you" activities (e.g. they will probably play icebreaker games like "two truths and a lie" etc) and that this might help them to make connections with other students on their wavelength.

They say I am completely insane to suggest such a thing, that I do not understand teenagers at all, and that talking about their neurodiversity in a context like that would be like declaring themself to be the ideal target for any bullies in the room.

Is that right? I myself was only diagnosed as autistic in my 40s so I know how unhappy one can be trying to "be normal" in a class full of neurotypicals, but I honestly thought that having a diagnosis as a teenager would allow someone to be freely themselves and open and "out" about their autism. It makes me sad that even in this day and age a teenager would still feel they have to pretend to fit in, or hide and fly-under-the-radar and so not find the people they might really get on with.

If you have an autistic teenager who is in mainstream education (I appreciate it is completely different for those who are in a dedicated special-education envrionment) I would really appreciate it if you could relay their thoughts on "coming out" as autistic.

Yeah definitely don’t tell your kid to reveal their autism diagnosis during two truths and a lie icebreakers! As a fellow autistic I’d suggest they can mention it if they feel comfortable once they’ve got to know people more. Once you’ve said you’re autistic you can’t unsay it so you do need to be careful who you disclose to

Mine is now in their twenties and does tell people but this would have been their idea of hell as a teen.
They still wouldn’t use it as an icebreaker and I wouldn’t say out and proud, they’ve just accepted that sometimes it’s helpful to disclose their needs.

Mine isn't a teen (almost 12) but is happy that being autistic is part of her identity and will share that in certain contexts however I agree with pp that maybe ice breakers etc isn't the best time. Do you have any groups locally for neuro diverse young people where they could maybe build a bit of confidence first? Our library runs a few

Mine are 25 and 30 and both don’t care who knows.

The two truths and a lie icebreaker is a spectacularly bad suggestion too because not only are you suggesting your kid disclose autism in an icebreaker but also that they then have their brand new classmates who don’t know them at all guess whether they look autistic or not and whether they are telling the truth or lying in their autism statement. You can’t tell if someone’s autistic by looking at them, so you’re just reinforcing stereotypes here that people should expect autistic people to look a certain way

I have autism and so does my son (13) and I agree with this. It’s a big thing to reveal in a fairly light hearted into, I would just pick something daft like I have 4 Guinea pigs and I love to watch travel blogs or something (that would be mine). I think people are generally more accepting of autism now but I still think I’d hold back until I knew who the arseholes were.

100% this.

I have 2 and neither of them are "out and proud." It's their decision and not mine.

Both have nice supportive friend groups. I know that at least one of those groups contains some "out and proud" autistic friends.

I would wait for them to want to do it (if they ever do). Not everybody is comfortable with it, especially with strangers.

You also have to consider that "coming out" isn't necessarily a single event. Once people get to know DS, for example, they will probably gradually start thinking that he has autism, even if the subject is never raised. Even if they don't put all the clues together and put a name to it, they will still have a fair sense of who he is and what he's like. And they won't be hampered by preconceptions about autism, which can be very unhelpful when the diagnosis can cover such a widely varying population. So getting to know people in an organic way may actually be preferable to making a big opening announcement.

DD1 is out to a very small number of people and doesn’t like to discuss it. She is in year 10, so GCSEs next year. She masks really well, so people rarely suspect but comes at huge emotional energy cost to her. I think as she grows in herself she may choose to share it more but for now she views it as private and we respect that.

My 19YO DD is definitely not "out and proud".
It was known when she was at our local mainstream comp, because she spent time (some timetabled, some optional) in the special facility there. She had friends to begin with, but they dwindled. It is/was obvious that there is something different about her.

At sixth form college she rejected the help and accommodations offered and dropped out through stress and anxiety.
She hates her autism because it has, according to her, ruined her life. She won't hear it that she's clever, creative, beautiful and interesting company.

There may be a time when she's fine with being out, but I can't see her being proud anytime soon, sadly.

Thanks for these insights. I appreciate it all.

i didn’t know I was neurodivergent til I was in my 30s, but never had lasting friendships from school. College and uni was where I found “my people” (mostly diagnosed, the rest suspected/self diagnosed on waiting lists). Like you say, the courses are more niche so likely to attract ND people.

as others say, don’t use it as an ice breaker! IME NDs can spot other NDs a mile off 🤣

Mine wasn’t at sixth form.

she is now but she’s a lot older and has developed ways to handle the comments.