I’m 25, have never been a cute or attractive person and was particularly ghastly looking as a teenager, which combined with extreme social awkwardness did nothing to further my self esteem!
As an adult I’ve improved in social confidence but the awkwardness remains; I never say the right thing, my body language is all over the place and I struggle with knowing what to do and how to act. My only boyfriend was abusive and often called me ugly - he had his own issues and considering how unequal the relationship was (and how young I was!) I can’t trust his opinion. The men I’ve been with casually or tried to date have all been so odd, old and inappropriately matched that I can’t trust their opinion either! I’ve had men ask me out but most weren’t attractive (well below average, which wouldn’t be so bad if their personalities were compatible with mine!) and I declined. I felt most were trying it on with me because I was the only single women they knew, and some were quite desperate. Female friends are kind but skirt around my looks, my family largely ignores me and I can count on one hand the amount of compliments I’ve received over the years.
I’ve heard men say they remember every compliment like it’s the only one they’ve ever had, and I can relate more to that than the idea of getting so many they all blur. In many ways I feel mannish and inappropriate, and it doesn’t help that my female friends are much more successful with men than I am. I’m very happy for them but it hurts to fail so often when others succeed, especially when I don’t know what the issue is.
At weddings, bars, events etc I’ve tried to approach men I find attractive and “of my league” but it rarely comes to anything, mostly they find ways to avoid or ignore me and it makes me assume I’m ugly. I can dress well, I’m chatty and friendly, lots of fun to be around (according to my mates!) but awkward and unfeminine in every other way, and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I have no way of assessing my looks, some days I think I look cool and to me I’m not awful looking, but surely I’m ugly if I keep getting ignored and sidelined?