Coping when family life suddenly changes - teens growing up

[TeenLifeMum]

It’s a stunning weekend and usually (last year and before that) we’d have been at the river. Instead, this year dd1 went to the river with friends then is working, dd2 went off with friends, dd3 has a long show rehearsal, dh did his hobby (not begrudging that and it was only the evening). I miss family time. It’s hit hard, those days are over now dc are older teens. They are great, well behaved, and lovely so I know I should be happy, but I feel lost.

how did you navigate this stage and find your happy? It feels like it’s been coming for a while but happened very suddenly. I’m surprised how I feel about it.

Do you have a career or did you do one of the hardest jobs on the planet as a SAHM? Do you have hobbies and interests that you have kept up with yourself? Do you and your husband have shared interests that you also take part in, together, just the two of you, or with other friends?

I ask all of these questions because this stage in life with teens and young adults, as they start to move away from time with parents, and navigate toward more or nearly exclusive time with peers, is difficult for hands-on parents.

How you cope is to re-discover a part of yourself that you put on hold when you began having children, or even before you got married or met your husband . . . OR . . . you "reinvent" yourself . . . OR . . . something in-between.

This could mean, if you do have a career outside of the home, taking on new projects or a new role, or returning to school for other skills, or a change in career.

This could mean taking a community class to refresh yourself with a lost hobby or skill to start again, or finding a new one.

Bring socialization with other parents in similar stages in life into the mix as well, and this gives you both a sounding board and safe space to talk about these issues and feelings.

If you do not have that in place, "make it." Start a book club and name it something along the lines of "Empty Nest Mums" or such, and ask for space in the community newsletter, or put an advert in the local market window.

@anitarielleliphe i work full time in a senior role.
i do think this weekend is just circumstances coming together - big work week ahead as project launches after 2 year’s work, I have my period, friend I would turn to is on holiday, too exhausted to socialise with other friends so that’s not an option (due to work project). Next weekend in laws are coming (this always makes me snappy - love them but they are hard work). Also usual hobby is better with others (at least one), it’s so hot I can’t just go out and leave puppy home.

I had to give up running due to constant injuries. I’ve done some diy so I’ve achieved something. I just didn’t realise how suddenly the family days would stop. It’s normal and right, but I miss the dc. Not yearning for them to be little, just want to hang out outside of TV watching.

I’m not at this stage yet. One kid is starting school in September and the other will be going into year 2. I was feeling sad enough about that, a child in year 2 😭 it’s seems so grown up. I know it’s not and I’m being daft, but I can’t help it. Seeing your kids grow up makes you feel things.

I can imagine for you this is a realisation that you might not get to spend time all together as a group anymore, which is sad.
I would maybe plan on some specific dates when you all agree to be free and do x together. Also find some stuff you enjoy doing alone, so maybe you’ll feel the benefit of this new set up and get to do things just for you which you couldn’t before

Both good advice.

A mix of gradually doing a few more things that just you enjoy and planning in some dates to be together should keep you on the right side of sanity

It's hard but you need to give yourself time to adjust and accept some of the time you will feel sad. But then they all come back and the grandchildren start coming and suddenly you can't fit it all in!

It is gradual, every weekend won't be like this and you will still get family time, but might have to adapt, mime are still very happy to go out for drinks or a meal with us (us paying!) for example. And giving lifts etc still gives you time together, we still
holiday together too (mine are 19 and 21).

Honestly I have loved the freedom of being able to just say yes to doing things for myself or with DH at the weekend, even though we are still on call for lifts quite a bit. I have an allotment and go to the gym so I can do those whenever I have some free time and have a few friends with DCs the same age, we often go out for a weekend brunch.

Sounds like unusual circumstances this weekend. They will be moving on so you need to get something just for you.
I find that family holidays thanks to bank of M&D always brings them back whatever their ages!

Aw OP, I can relate to this. I definitely went through a couple of years of gentle, low-level mourning as I realised that family life as we'd known it for over a decade, since the day our eldest was born, was over. I absolutely loved (almost) every minute of life with them all as toddlers, preschoolers and primary aged children. Golden, halcyon days!

Now they are all teens the immediate sense of loss has passed, and I am thoroughly enjoying spending time with them all in a different way. I've carved out time for friends and creative pursuits that were neglected for a long time, and am putting more energy into work. I'm finally enjoying new phase of motherhood and am now finding I can look back on times past with pleasure, and not the gut punch of nostalgia.

Honestly, for me, I think it was a case of just needed time to readjust and recalibrate. I still get the occasional pang when I see family events being advertised and think "oooo, that will be fun" and then remember that we've left those days long behind!

Nothing to stop you suggesting you still do stuff together?

I never had this as a kid, so we don't socialise with family now (as no shared history of doing stuff together) so if I'd have had kids, I'd have wanted to continue the shared social time in some way.

I am struggling with this today. In our case, we are all at home but separately. It’s been a busy week, both DC played a lot of sport yesterday and were out in the evening, they have a week of school to go and it’s stupidly hot. So the fact that none of us can be bothered to speak to each other is understandable. But I feel we should be doing something together. I have suggested a walk and got a death stare. I can’t be bothered to go down to the river myself as it will be so busy so haven’t bothered suggesting that.
Like a PP said, I am worried that if we don’t do things together at this age they won’t want to do stuff with us as adults as we won’t have created those bonds.

We do stuff together but this weekend it’s just not happened and I think, combined with the good weather, it’s hit harder that they have separate stuff (which is right at this age). We do have a holiday together in a few weeks.

I think some days it just hits doesn’t it?

Yes, it feels like your feelings are definitely a factor of many things, of which the "pre-empty nest" feelings are a part of it, but you have a lot going on. To bridge the gap between added work stress, in-laws, and hormones, just make "real" sleep a priority, and good nutrition. You cannot exercise like you used to, but walking is just as good if you do it long enough. The puppy can't keep up, but hopefully you are getting help with the puppy so that you still have time to yourself.

Thank you @anitarielleliphe

puppy is 8 months and so well behaved (spaniel so lots of energy and our second so we’re used to it), it’s just too hot for me to take her and head to the fields. Spoke to dh and we’re going for an evening on the river with all the dc and dog. Dd1 (17) is less keen as she’s tired from work, but I’ve persuaded her as we’ll only have an hour before it’s dark so won’t be a long one.

Mine are 17 (nearly 18) and 15 so I definitely feel this, OP!

this stage of life IS sad. Despite having jobs and hobbies, life was primarily focused on the kids. This year the only family breaks we will be having was a night over Easter and a weekend in August.
I am pleased the kids still want to spend time with us and we all enjoy each other’s company. I do miss the family days when they were younger even though I made the most of that time too