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Would it be wrong to suggest dd puts GS in nursery.

21 replies

Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 22:32

Back ground: dd has been through quite alot. Domestic violence. Heavy involvement with social services. She also has bipolar. She has a child with autism.whos 7 and a 2 year old with special needs although no diagnosis. But his development is very behinde hes more like a 9-10 month old .

My own back ground. I have 6 kids dd28 , ds22 ds18 dd15 , ds10 , ds9 .
I have also been throgh alot with what went on with dd with the DV stuff. She was heavily supported by me. Which was needed at the time. I also had Dv situation myself that was from my so to me it was an absolutely awful time which went on for quite a long time. Ds is in a much better place now.

Dd28 is also in a better place shes been much more settled over the past couple of years and she's safe. Has friends who she spends time with.

Since gs who's now 7 was 2 months old I looked after him 3 days week whilst his mum went to the gym once he started nursery at 3.5 the gym baby sitting slowed down but I still had him alot due to the DV and dd was at mine alot for safety reasons support reasons. So obviously that's a special situation. Then dd had GS who's now 2 and again since he's been about 2 months old i have had him 3 times week whilst dd gos gym. Its not just whilst shes at gym though because her child gos to the same school as mine she ends up at my house till its time to go on the school run.

Dd is hard work generally i don't know if its apart of the bipolar or not but everything is dramatised. Like she will tell me the 7 year okd has been getting out of bed all night he won't settle and she's ranting like mad and she's sounding like she cant cope . Then I will ask ds who's with her and he will say he as in gs got up once asked for a drink. Ds had also send me videos of dd laughing with het friends seconds after she's sent me messages saying how bad things are. Or the neighbour is banging shit out of her door. Ds said she rang the bell twice and walked off. She's done it over more important stuff to . So i have been worried sick about things and some of it has not been true.

She also says things like . Im entitled to a break. I have a right to go out without the kids uts her right . She told a friend tjat she was going tl tell me about myself because she has a rigjt to go out. Baring in mind I baby sit at least 3 times a week plus maybe once a month over nigjt give or take.

I know I have probably come across as a slag dd of session. I dont mean to I just dont know how else to explain it . I do love her to bits and the grand kids.

But im also tired physically mentally etc. Im not old . I dont work . But im just so so tired and I want to have time on my owm I want to deal with my own stuff I feel like i want to be selfish. But I also dont want to be horrible to dd but she is entitled to 15hrs free nursery for the 2 year old she doesn't want to do it though. Which I understand but I dont want to have gs 3 times week anymore.

Am I being a cow should I just carry on for another year . He will be in nursery by then.

OP posts:
WeeAgnes · 11/07/2025 22:39

This is a lot of personal information to put out there on a public forum OP.

Of course you can suggest it, but it’s her child so her choice.

Hope it all sorts itself out.

Anna20MFG · 11/07/2025 22:41

He will benefit from the structure and continuity of nursery and they will be able to support if there are any special needs. It's a no brainer.

itstartedinthepeaks · 11/07/2025 22:43

I think she needs to use those fifteen hours. It isn’t just for you but also for him; it will do him good. I wish you well; you’ve been through a lot.

Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 22:47

I think im suggesting it for partly selfish reasons. I did say to dd if he went he would probably get referrals faster and there would be reports . Actually I think he already has a referral but nursery could also add about his development. Also originally it was dd who bought up the nursery thing. But now she's backing of because she thought he could go to the school nursery . But they dont take children till 3.5 . The selfish part is im thinking why should I baby sit when he can actually go to nursery.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 11/07/2025 22:52

The earlier he can be seen by the right people in the right setting the better, its selfish of her to keep him waiting for only her benefit.

Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 22:54

Edit : posted same thing twice by accident

OP posts:
Lafufufu · 11/07/2025 22:56

I would suggest nursery and a coil or some other kind of permanent contraceptive...

Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 22:57

TomatoSandwiches · 11/07/2025 22:52

The earlier he can be seen by the right people in the right setting the better, its selfish of her to keep him waiting for only her benefit.

I think she just doesn't realise. She sees it that he's already got a referral and she thinks hes not ready because hes behinde so need to be a bit older

OP posts:
Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 22:58

Lafufufu · 11/07/2025 22:56

I would suggest nursery and a coil or some other kind of permanent contraceptive...

She already does

OP posts:
Saz12 · 11/07/2025 22:59

It's OK for you not to want to babysit 3 times a week. I get that she has serious mh issues (bipolar), but she's also an adult who chose to have children.

If she has the right to childfree time, then so do you. Does she take care of your youngest in return? Or is it only you who has to facilitate her "right" to childfree time?

Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 23:06

Saz12 · 11/07/2025 22:59

It's OK for you not to want to babysit 3 times a week. I get that she has serious mh issues (bipolar), but she's also an adult who chose to have children.

If she has the right to childfree time, then so do you. Does she take care of your youngest in return? Or is it only you who has to facilitate her "right" to childfree time?

To be fare she didn't know her kids would have special needs.

My younger kids wont stay with her. Plus dd cant manage all 4 kids I do get a break from the the younger ones about every other weekend when they go to their dad's.

OP posts:
youreactinglikeafunmum · 11/07/2025 23:08

Yanbu at all

I think that you need to separate yourself from the drama, op, this is a lot

Be firm and kind but dont get sucked in to long conversations and arguments with dd

And insist she puts the youngest one into nursery. And tell all of the kids that you need a break! Can you carve out one day a week for yourself. So dinners all made, kids entertainment sorted, place clean, no babysitting, so you can have a day in bed?

Youre a trouper op, no idea how you manage, I'm exhausted with one 6yo xx

Edit, as the youngest one might be autistic, i understand her hesitation. But she could at least try it. Something has to give here

Saz12 · 11/07/2025 23:15

@Isitmetime , the DC needs werent what I was saying- YOUR DD has mh issues (bipolar), which was always going to make parenting harder. She must've known that after her first DC, but chose to have another. Of course, absolutely her right and prerogative to do so, but not fair of her to just assume you'd step in whenever.

It's harsh to say she can't cope with all of them but you just have to. Seems very unfair to you.

minipie · 11/07/2025 23:18

Sounds like she is taking advantage of you, and you’ve enough on your plate.

Tell your DD you’ll always be there for her if she needs a mum but for regular childcare she can use nursery. And it might benefit your grandson too as you say.

TourdeFrance25 · 11/07/2025 23:27

WeeAgnes · 11/07/2025 22:39

This is a lot of personal information to put out there on a public forum OP.

Of course you can suggest it, but it’s her child so her choice.

Hope it all sorts itself out.

I'm ts also the OP's choice to say she's not having GS 3x a week.

@Isitmetime your DD has every right to go out without the children, but no right to put the burden on you. She can pay someone ad hoc or put him in nursery. It sounds like, apart from anything, he'd benefit from going to nursery now anyway.

im sorry she has bipolar & been through so much else, but you've helped her loads & now it's time she stops taking advantage if that & stands in her own twisted feet a bit mire.

she has free hours, tell her to use them, then you might consider doing the rest of the time. (Or not if you don't want to)

get some if your life back!!

LeopardPants · 11/07/2025 23:32

You have done a hell of a lot for her! It sounds like you have done half of the work raising her kids for her. I don’t think you’re unfair in asking her to use the free childcare - she’s not entitled to your support. It’s lovely that you have given it, but as you say you have your own things to deal with and she can use the free hours. And if going out without the kids was that important to her (to the extent it sounds like it is) then she probably shouldn’t have had them!! She can’t demand you babysit so she can go out. No no. I get it’s nice to have time off but sounds like she has a lot off.

Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 23:34

youreactinglikeafunmum · 11/07/2025 23:08

Yanbu at all

I think that you need to separate yourself from the drama, op, this is a lot

Be firm and kind but dont get sucked in to long conversations and arguments with dd

And insist she puts the youngest one into nursery. And tell all of the kids that you need a break! Can you carve out one day a week for yourself. So dinners all made, kids entertainment sorted, place clean, no babysitting, so you can have a day in bed?

Youre a trouper op, no idea how you manage, I'm exhausted with one 6yo xx

Edit, as the youngest one might be autistic, i understand her hesitation. But she could at least try it. Something has to give here

Edited

I have backed out of the drama alot I used to get so upset and worried now I know it wasn't always as it seemed.

I can't insist she puts him in nursery but i can give her reasons to. Such as the special needs reports she woukd het to help gs towards diagnosis. Also on my selfish part of shes that desperate for the gym them he can go to nursery.

Also the thing with dd is she actually doesn't realise how much shit I have gone through as well. That doesn't take away her stuff not at all but I just dont thibk she realises.

Yes I could sort something for myself simlar to how you suggested really

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2025 23:35

Helping can become enabling. I think you need to step back, no matter how much you love her and her children. Your younger kids need you too and you’re doing so much for her she thinks she’s entitled to her free time at the expense of yours.

Her household sounds very chaotic and her younger child deserves the support and interventions he needs which he won’t get without nursery. The free hours are for exactly this situation, she’s the one being selfish, not you.

Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 23:40

Saz12 · 11/07/2025 23:15

@Isitmetime , the DC needs werent what I was saying- YOUR DD has mh issues (bipolar), which was always going to make parenting harder. She must've known that after her first DC, but chose to have another. Of course, absolutely her right and prerogative to do so, but not fair of her to just assume you'd step in whenever.

It's harsh to say she can't cope with all of them but you just have to. Seems very unfair to you.

I cant remember when the bipolar was diagnosed. Regardless though I think she always assumed . She does that alot to be honest

I did actually enjoy having the first gs when he was little. Although im not classed as old. I do feel like I have aged over the past 3 years

OP posts:
Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 23:44

minipie · 11/07/2025 23:18

Sounds like she is taking advantage of you, and you’ve enough on your plate.

Tell your DD you’ll always be there for her if she needs a mum but for regular childcare she can use nursery. And it might benefit your grandson too as you say.

I want to do this but I feel guilty . But I do need to do it. A good time would be now since the free nursery place did go through her head.

OP posts:
Isitmetime · 11/07/2025 23:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2025 23:35

Helping can become enabling. I think you need to step back, no matter how much you love her and her children. Your younger kids need you too and you’re doing so much for her she thinks she’s entitled to her free time at the expense of yours.

Her household sounds very chaotic and her younger child deserves the support and interventions he needs which he won’t get without nursery. The free hours are for exactly this situation, she’s the one being selfish, not you.

I think that's the thing though I allowed it to much. I will definitely bring it up. I will try and make it positive.

OP posts:
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